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I find myself writing in my journal for the first time in a longtime for a number of different reasons, all of which concern people and their problems and my ponderings on their problems (so if you're not up for a long and thought-provoking read, go someplace else).
The thing that got me to writing this in the first place are the two words "You Coward" which were sent to me in a PM and are probably the most offensive two words I have ever received from the sender.
I have never considered myself a coward and I haven't any fears to name.
I do at times feel nervous of various things, like climbing to the top of a tall tree and hearing a twig snap near your feet, or walking by the seafront at 2am in the morning and passing a loud group of drunk guys, but not to the extent of calling it a 'fear' and have easily conquered the nervousness on those occasions when that feeling magically appears.
However, there is one thing that does make me feel more nervous than most things in this world, and that thing is 'people'.
'People' translated as 'those who are important to me, whether friends, family, teachers or co-students'.
This got me thinking, that maybe I am afraid of people, but I realized that couldn't be the case considering I have a large circle of friends and I do laugh and talk with them at ease, but then it occurred to me that though I may talk and laugh with them, on few occasions am I actually at ease.
So from this I concluded that it's not that I am afraid of people, it's that I am afraid of upsetting people, of disappointing people and of being hated by people. That is why I can never feel relaxed around people, and also why I rarely fight others in ernest.
I find myself constantly thinking on everything I say and on the way I say it, so all quirps sound like a joke so as not to cause offense, so all the things I say to others of others can't possibly be something the subject of discussion didn't want getting around, and so all things I say are things I hope will make those around me feel better and not so agitated (this coming from the Empress of Paranoia, of the irony).
Now I am a little shamed at admitting to it, but it is a big problem.
In little arguments I am the first to apologise though still seething inside and am left to act as though I've forgiven when inside I want nothing more than to run far away and never go back to the horrible people I find myself trying to keep happy, I am becoming more and more reclusive and telling people less and less of how I feel about things and of my troubles, and I don't think this level of paranoia is very healthy at all.
I have always been quite proud of the fact nothing really scares me so much so that I cannot face it or will not try to face it, but the thought of trusting people enough as to rely and confide my troubles and thoughts to them absolutely terrifies me, and this in turn angers me because don't feel fear like this for anything else in the world and I hate it.
But I can't seem to find a way around it, other than a promise I have made to myself, or an excuse more like, that I will allow this one fear to live on, and in exchange will not allow myself to even flinch at other minor fears and will face them straight on so as to destroy them. I feel that's a fair enough compromise considering 'people' are not the most reliable of creatures and I don't feel like placing my trust in something that can change from friend to foe in the blink of an eye.
And that is my resolution, I doubt it will change because though I am indecisive on many things, usually when I make up my mind, it stays that way.
So, is this resolution cowardly? Or a fair compromise?
Because some things in this world there are no means to conquer, so compromise is the best you can get.
 Strange Little Being · Sun May 06, 2007 @ 08:14pm · 0 Comments |
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