Rose sighed. Of course John wanted to follow her to Torchwood. He seemed so adamant about getting back into Rose's life to the same extent that the Doctor had once been. And, honestly, Rose wasn't sure whether she wanted him to be there. It had been a safe-haven before, a place that she didn't have to think about him or the Doctor. And now, she was forced to see him. Her safe-haven was quickly falling apart. She needed somewhere where she could just forget about her past and focus on helping people.
Rose had attempted to talk to her father about not giving a job at Torchwood to John, to think of her, but nothing seemed to work. Maybe her father thought she needed John there. She had been adamant about not having him leave the mansion when he suggested him moving out a week ago, and she wasn't sure why she did so. It wasn't like she ever took any time to talk to him. It was always by his insistence. And, often-times, it resulted in an argument. That argument was, most times, brought on by her refusing to believe that he was the Doctor... just human.
Really, why was it so challenging for her to do that? He was incredibly smart about everything like the Doctor was. He had an odd balance between rude and kind... just like the Doctor. And, honestly, he was rather sweet to her and it was obvious that he loved her. Sure, the Doctor had always been kind to her, sweet, even. But he had never been obvious about any love toward her... not in the same way he had been with Madame dePompadour.
She had seen it in the Doctor's eyes when he discovered she was dead. He had even offered to take her to see the stars. Beside Sarah Jane, the only person he had ever invited into the TARDIS himself while she, Rose, was traveling with him... well, the only female. And the fact that he had crashed into a glass panel and destroyed his chance to return to the TARDIS. To her, Rose.
Perhaps this was why Rose refused to believe that this man, John, was truly the Doctor. She didn't want to feel the pain of knowing that he fancied someone else enough to cut himself from the TARDIS. From her.
Rose knew this didn't make any sense. How could it? She had hardly spoken to the man in the days that he had been in this universe. And, when she did, she was always guarded, unsure what to say. She had learned not to discuss what she was thinking. How could she? She knew that she hurt him whenever she said that he was "like the Doctor" or "supposed to be like him" or even discuss the past with the Doctor as if John didn't know what happened. That really hurt John when she did that, so she was determined not to hurt him like that again. But she honestly didn't know what to say to him without doing so. So, she figured that it was better not to say anything. It was better than hurting John.
It was a few weeks after John was added to Rose's team at Torchwood. Things had been going pretty well overall. Rose had to go to the range and practically force John to learn how to shoot the guns. She was absolutely pissed when Owen called her and told her that John was refusing to learn. She had stopped and picked out an amnesia pill on her way out, even. If John was going to do this, there was no way on Earth that she was going to let him stay around long enough to hurt her team. Needless to say, John started cooperating when she was there and threatening his memories.
And now, it was a few days afterward. Rose was sitting at her desk, going over some paperwork needed for tomorrow's assignment. She should have had it done by now, but John being there was exactly the distraction she thought he would be. She was constantly finding herself thinking about him and the Doctor, about why he might be hard for her to think him as the Doctor. And that's when it happened.
Rose had been glancing around the room, thinking more about her own problems with John instead of actually scanning the room to make sure everyone was doing their work. That was, however, until she saw it. There he was, in the corner by the bubbler. This seemingly harmless and objectionless action was only the tip of the iceburg. What really got to her was the fact that Gwen was talking to him. Not only that, but they were both smiling, possibly flirting.
Rose knew that the shock would be very evident on her face, her anger, her jealousy. She felt the urge to go over to Gwen and tell her that John was off limits. Sure, there was no rule about dating employees, but Rose, at this moment, wished there was. Maybe that would make Gwen deter from going after John. Maybe then Gwen wouldn't attempt to sleep with everything out there even when she had no right to the man. John was hers, Rose's. John had told her that he loved her, Rose, that he would spend his one life with her, Rose. He never said anything about another woman.
At that thought, Rose could feel tears struggling to escape her eyes. She hastily looked down at her work, refusing to let John humiliate her like this. She wiped her eyes quickly and started to attempt to tackle her work once more.
Later that day, after the briefing of the assignment that was to occur tomorrow, John came to her desk and told her that he thought he needed more work at the range before tomorrow's assignment. Rose had to admit that he did. He was the only one she had ever known that was uncomfortable shooting a piece of paper coming toward them. But she was still very upset about what she had seen by the bubbler. She agreed, mumbling as she stood up and grabbed her purse.
She could feel John's eyes on her as she lead the way to the range, but she refused to look toward him. She suspected that he was attempting to decipher why she was so upset without actually asking her. It was something that the Doctor did rather well. She wondered whether John had that ability, too.
When they got to the range, Rose pulled out her gun, which she was completely used to carrying in her purse, and shot the piece of paper in the middle of the target. Again and again she shot the paper. It felt good to take her anger out on something.
"Rose, stop," John said, and Rose finally forced herself to look at him. He still hadn't picked up his gun. "What are you so upset about?" he asked.
So he didn't figure it out. "I'm not upset," Rose said, looking away from John and aiming her gun toward the paper again. She refused to let John humiliate her or let herself tell him that she had seen him flirting with Gwen.
"Yes, you are." There is voice was again. "Rose, you're not as good at pretending as you think you are. I can't read your mind and I can't force you to tell me. But I want you to consider me someone you can trust and that requires a little pull on your part," the Doctor... no, John... said to her.
Rose sighed and set down the gun. "You want to know what upset me?" she asked, almost incredulously. How could he be so stupid as to not realize that she could see his flirty conversation with Gwen?
John sighed. After a moment or so, Rose could hear his voice again. "All right," he said, "so you're upset with me." It wasn't a question. It was a statement. John finally realized who this anger was aimed toward.
"Ding, ding, ding," Rose said, then looked toward the paper again. She raised her gun, letting out a shot. Then another.
"Rose, stop," John tried again. Rose sighed and set the gun down. "Don't I deserve to know what I did to upset you like this?" he asked.
Rose sighed and looked toward John. She shook her head. She knew it was stupid, she had no reason to be upset with John. But, yet, she was. "So, you don't know why you're so upset with me?" John asked.
"It's not that," Rose said. She sighed, then continued, "Just - just be careful with Gwen. She has quite the reputation."
John's eyes squinted in confusion. "Be careful with her? What do you think is going on, Rose?" he asked.
Rose could tell that John was confused. "You're little chat with Gwen by the bubbler," she said. "I'm not telling you that you can't go out with her, but I want you to be careful."
Rose knew that she couldn't be selfish with John. Sure, the Doctor had given him to her in hopes to make her happy, but what made John happy could be the complete opposite. And she knew that she had definitely not made things easy on him. For all she knew, it was her behavior that made him interested in Gwen.
"Rose," John said, almost desperately. "Nothing is going on between Gwen and me. I'm not interested in her. I was getting some water and she just came up to me and started talking. I didn't want to hurt her feelings, that's all. And, after she got everything out that she wanted to, I told her I wasn't interested."
Rose sighed, looking back to the paper target and picked up her gun, shooting it again and again. Who did he think he was fooling? She had watched the conversation, and he had been just as talkative as Gwen had. "Don't patronize me, John. I saw it. You were just as involved as she was."
"Wait," John said after a moment. "You're not -- Are you jealous?" he asked.
Rose really got upset when John suggested that. She couldn't be jealous of Gwen. That would mean that she was over the Doctor and looking at John the same way she had to the Doctor. And she refused to give up on the Doctor, whether or not she would ever see him again. "I definitely am not jealous of Gwen," she said adamantly, placing her gun down on the table once more. "She has been with so many guys, she probably has gotten a STD or something." Sure, she generally was not one to normally bad mouth one of her teammates, but she was upset. And, even worse, she didn't know what was making her so upset.
"That's not what I meant and you know it," John said.
Yes, Rose knew John had meant that she had been jealous of Gwen talking to him, John. Even if that was true, and she wasn't even sure if it was, Rose would never admit that to John. It seemed incredible that he would even ask her about it. "Yes," she said, almost mockingly, "I am so jealous of Gwen, making a fool out of herself like that. I would kill for that level of social ineptitude." Her voice was very sarcastic, still very upset.
John sighed. It was becoming clearer and clearer to Rose that he hadn't asked her there to practice his shooting. He had seen that she was upset. "Please, Rose, just talk to me," he said earnestly. "Without the sarcasm, if you don't mind."
Rose looked at John, trying to figure out what to say. She was terrible at speaking with John. Every time she saw him, he reminded her so much of the Doctor, and that thought alone made her want to cry. But she wouldn't. She had to remain strong to survive this. To let her guard down would mean catastrophic results for her. "Look," she said, "you have as much right to date anyone you want to as anyone else. I shouldn't have gotten as upset as I had, and I apologize for that. But I'm not jealous of anything Gwen has done."
John reached across the table and slid the gun away from Rose's reach. Apparently, he had been afraid that she would attempt to use it as an escape from this conversation again. "I promise you, Rose, I am not interested in anyone but the one in this room," John said.
Rose looked around. She couldn't help it. Had Gwen come in without her, Rose, noticing?
"You," John said, as if he had sensed what Rose had been thinking. "You need some time, I get that. But you can't close yourself off. I am available to talk, even if you don't believe who I am."
Rose shook her head. She couldn't open up to John, she just couldn't. She didn't want to talk to him about all the thoughts in her head. Those thoughts were for the Doctor, questions about John that would hurt him. How could she purposefully say things that she knew would hurt him? No matter how upset she was. He was saying he didn't do anything wrong. And, truthfully, Rose wasn't sure if he was telling her the truth. She wasn't sure how much she could trust him. And, to some extent, that must be why she was so reluctant to open up, to let herself into such a vulnerable position with someone she wasn't sure if she could trust. "We came here to shoot, and that is what we're going to do," Rose said. "If you don't want the help, I'm just going to head back."
"Rose," John said, rather sadly. Rose couldn't help but wonder why he sounded so sad, though. "Please don't shut me out."
Rose took her gun back and put it back into her purse. "I'm heading back," she said, then she started toward the door.
A hand wrapped around her arm, and Rose was forced to stop walking. She looked toward hte person in which had grabbed her arm. John. "I can tell that you're upset, sad even. Why are you so sad?" he asked.
Rose slowly removed his hand from her arm then started out the door again. She refused to let herself believe that she was sad. she refused to take herself back to the dark place she had been in for so long her first time in this universe without the Doctor. At any given moment, she had been ready to commit suicide, end her life because of the deep, deep sadness she had felt for months. Honestly, Rose could feel herself slip a bit into that feeling when she was alone at night. And that was why she tried so hard not to let her guard down and to stay busy. She allowed herself to stay busy to keep her mind off of everything.
Rose didn't stop walking until she had made it back to her desk. Sitting down, Rose set her purse down and looked around, watching the team prepare to go on the mission tomorrow. It was a few minutes before John walked in. She looked away, not wanting him to accuse her for being depressed or whatever. She wasn't... depressed. No, sad maybe, but definitely not depressed. That was what she was suffering from the first time around.
The rest of the day, and night, went rather slowly. Rose could feel the sadness creep up on her. Dare she say it, the depression, that she had refused to believe she had. To admit that she was suffering from depression would be to admit that she needed help, that there was something wrong with her. That something inside her had broken when she lost the Doctor.
And that was how that night progressed, slowly and with Rose refusing to believe what was going on with her. But the fact was that she did not eat that evening. She had long lost her appetite by the time dinner rolled around and, instead, she went straight to bed.
The next morning, Rose awoke early, yet quickly got ready for the mission. She still had no appetite, but she took it as nervousness. It wasn't as if she had gone on another mission since she had been back. Perhaps she was worried that she wouldn't be good enough for this mission. She refused to believe that she was depressed, even after sleeping. She had to keep thinking about the mission, what she needed to do to get the job done with the least amount of injuries possible.
But she did eat at the insistence of her father. She didn't want her parents to know what was going on in her head. She had to at least pretend that nothing was wrong.
After breakfast, Rose and John headed up to Canary Warf to meet up with the rest of the team. The ride was silent, awkward. Rose could tell that John was trying to figure out whether or not he should confront Rose again. But Rose was just happy that he didn't bring it up again.
Soon, they arrived at Canary Warf. Instead of going to her normal parking spot, however, she drove into the parking garage at the far end of the property.
When parked, Rose got out and started toward the Torchwood vehicles. Again, Rose felt John's hand wrap around her arm as he forced her to stop. "I know you don't want me to," he said, and Rose couldn't help but look at him. "But I have to try again. What is so wrong? Please, just open up to me."
Rose forced his grip off of her arm and said, "Drop it, John. If I don't want to talk about it, I don't have to talk about it." And she left it at that.
It was a good thing, too, for soon after she had said that, she could hear footsteps coming around the corner. She looked over, and she saw Tosh first, followed by Owen, then followed by Gwen. They were all there. Good thing that John wasn't attempting to question her when anyone else was around. It was obvious that he didn't want to bring anyone else into the mix until absolutely necessary.
The trip down to the location in which this mission was to occur was cramped and loud. Two good things came out of that, however. One, John couldn't ask her again about her sadness, her depression. And, two, all the noise distracted her from her own sadness. She almost was able to join in on the ruckus.
Stepping out of the vehicle when they were there, Rose could automatically feel herself sinking back into her sadness, as if there was some sort of depression magnet where they were or that the alien was intensifying her sadness for some twisted reason of their own.
Trying to ignore that, however, Rose lead the way into the forest. It was full of steep hills and thick trees. It was hard to see anything in front of them, and Rose couldn't help but wonder whether they would ever find the alien.
When they were almost to the area in which inexplicable events were documented to occur around, Rose took out her gun. She could feel eyes on her, not the team's, but something almost sinister. She looked around, attempting to find the source, then started up the hill. Hearing a noise, Rose looked up to the top.
And that was when she saw the creature. While she felt as if she needed to shoot it before it took its upper hand and attacked them all, Rose found that she couldn't move, not even to look away. She tried yelling out to warn her team, but she couldn't get her voice to work, much less her mouth to move. She was frozen on the spot.
A moment or two later, Rose could feel John touch her shoulder and ask her what she had stopped for. She tried to do something, anything, to warn him, but nothing happened. She wasn't even sure if she was breathing.
John's face suddenly came into view as he tried to look her over, figure out what was wrong. He waved his hand right in front of Rose's face, but not so much as a blink occurred. "Rose?" he asked as a hand of his quickly went to her neck and checked for a pulse. She wasn't sure whether he found one or not.
And that was when he seemed to figure out what was going on. She was the trap and Rose knew it. He followed Rose's eyes and she knew he must have seen the creature she had seen, but he immediately looked back at Rose. She wondered immediately why he hadn't frozen, whether she had because she was just so sad all the time or whether they could only control one person at a time.
Rose could see John look past her, to where she assumed the rest of the team was. "Stay back!" he exclaimed, then turned his eyes back to Rose. "Why didn't you just tell me what was wrong?" he asked her quietly.
Rose wanted to scoff, do anything other than just stare at the creatures who forced her like this, but she couldn't. Surely John knew that, right? He must be able to tell that with the Doctor's mind.
But, as she was finishing up that thought, Rose saw the creature raise something in the air. She tried to warn John somehow, anyhow, but nothing worked. No movement could be seen from her, not even a blink.
Coming from the Doctor must have helped John be able to sense what was going on, though, for, just after she had seen the creature moving and had attempted to warn him, John looked around back at the creature. Recognition filled his eyes as he spun back to her. He had obviously recognized this creature.
That was when John did something Rose wasn't expecting. Instead of moving them away from that space as she thought was going to happen, he gently kissed Rose's temple and muttered a quiet, nearly silent, apology, then pushed her out of the way.
Rose had no way of catching herself, no matter how hard she tried. She could hear a scream that sounded vaguely like the Doctor's voice as she fell. Worse yet, it wasn't an upset scream, no. It was a scream of agony, as if he was being tortured. Rose tried to reach him, pull him away from the source of pain, but it didn't work. Nothing was moving. And then, Rose landed, her head hitting hard against a rock and then silence and darkness.
A small groan erupted from Rose's lips. Her head hurt, a lot more than she cared for. A hand went to the side of her head, and, for a second, Rose hadn't been aware that it was her own. Her eyes slowly opened, but everything was a blur. She could tell that she was in a room instead of the forest, but, past that, she would have to guess.
The feeling of a bandage under the hand suddenly forced Rose to realize that she was no longer under the effects of the alien, but she still had no idea where she was. She sat up immediately. John. The last thing she remembered was him screaming in pain. She had to find him, make sure he was all right.
The sound of a door opening interrupted her thoughts. "Miss Tyler," a female's voice came, but Rose had yet to find the source of the voice in her dazed and confused state. "You need to lie back down and try to relax."
"Where's the Doctor?" Rose said, attempting to get out of bed. She needed to know where he was, if he was still alive.
"Miss Tyler," came the female voice, and hands were slowly pushing her down to the bed, "you already had a doctor check you over. You have quite the concussion and you need to rest."
"No," resisted Rose, trying to get around the lady. "I need to find the Doctor. He had been with me."
The lady didn't talk for a moment, but managed to force her head back onto the pillow. "You're confused, Miss Tyler. You need to rest and, since it's clear to me that you're not going to do so by yourself, I'm going to help you along."
Rose didn't know what the lady was talking about at first. "You're going to help me find him?" she asked right as a wave of tiredness washed over her.
"No," came the lady's voice, "I'm going to talk to your father."
As Rose's eyes drifted shut, she could hear a door open, followed by her father's voice. "How is she?" he asked.
"Frantic, clearly delusional. Most likely from the concussion. She was asking for someone she referred to as 'the Doctor'. Do you know who she's talking about?"
There was silence for a moment, then Rose heard his father's voice as she slid into the subconscious, "Yeah. The man she was brought in with..." and she heard no more.
What felt like a second later, Rose slowly awoke. Her head felt groggy. She opened her eyes. After her eyes adjusted to the light, she looked around and her eyes fell upon her father, who had been quite obviously watching her. "Hey," he said pleasantly... even if Rose thought he sounded tired.
"Where is he?" Rose asked him.
"John?" her father asked. "He just got out of surgery. A nurse is going to let us know when he's able to have visitors."
Rose watched her father for a moment, then asked, "How is he?" She had to know. It was her fault that he was hurt. And, at that thought, Rose struggled with her sheets. This task was a bit easier now that she could see correctly.
Her father forced her back down onto her pillow gently. "They're going to run some tests on you in the morning, make sure you're all right. But they want you to relax until then. You had quite the head wound."
Rose sighed. Was anyone going to let her see the Doctor? John? Those two words, in the blink of an eye, had become synonymous. There was no difference to them anymore. "He's going to be fine, Rose. And I think I can speak for him when I say that he'd be furious if he found out that you weren't taking care of yourself."
"When am I going to be able to see him?" Rose asked, trying to relax.
"Tomorrow, if they say you're fit to be released," her father explained. "Your mum brought some clothes down. She would have stayed, but Tony was having issues sleeping in the chairs."
Rose nodded. She didn't know what to do. She felt so useless stuck in this bed. "Why don't you get some rest? It'll help kill some time," her father suggested.
Rose nodded. That was probably the best idea. Get some sleep and try to get it out of her head how much she needed to apologize to the Doctor. To John. So she shut her eyes again. Before she knew it, she was out.
The sun was shining into the room before rose awoke again. As she opened her eyes, Rose was forced to squint and look away quickly from the windows. "Your tests are in about half an hour. Afterward, we can go down to the cafeteria, get you something to eat, then we'll go see John."
Rose nodded, sitting up in her chair. "Any word on how he's doing?" Rose asked nervously. A part of her hoped that he was conscious already, but another part of her wanted to be there before he awoke. She didn't want him to think she hadn't wanted to be with him while he was recovering.
Her father shrugged and said, "He's stable, responding well to the medication, but he hasn't awoken from the surgery."
Rose sighed. Her father was looking at her as if she was some glass menagerie, and she didn't like it. "I'm fine, Dad," she said after a few moments.
"You called him 'Doctor' last night," her father said, watching her seriously.
Rose shrugged. She vaguely remembered doing that. "Yeah, so?" she asked. It wasn't as if it was such a stretch that she would call him that.
"When he applied to Torchwood, he told me that you were the one who had wanted him to find a different name, that you were refusing to cal him by his name."
Rose sighed. She should have known that her father would mention something like that. "I didn't believe that they were the same man at first, yeah," she said, "but I do now. I feel that, I don't know, he proved himself or something."
Her father watched her for a moment, then said, "You are the only one who had any issue with him, Rose. You hardly spoke to him."
Rose sighed. Why was her father doing this to her? Couldn't he just believe that she saw the man as the Doctor now? There wasn't anything wrong with her head. "Look, I was unsure how much I could trust him, but I'm sure now. That's all."
It was obvious that her father wanted to respond to her, but, as soon as Rose had said what she said, a nurse came in to help Rose prepare for the tests.
An hour later, Rose emerged from the hospital room, in her own clothing, and walked over to her father. "What room is he in?" Rose asked him.
"Don't you want to get something to eat?" Pete, her father, asked.
Rose shook her head. She had absolutely no appetite. All she wanted to do was go see the Doctor, go see John. It didn't matter that he probably wasn't conscious. She should be there.
"He won't be happy with you if you don't take care of yourself to take care of him," Pete said and Rose couldn't help but sigh.
"Fine," Rose said after a few seconds. Her father had won. Rose knew that the Doctor would be extremely upset if he found out that she wanted to skip meals to take care of him... even if he would be ecstatic that she did want to be around him now.
So, they headed down to the cafeteria.
A half an hour later, Rose and her father walked down a hallway and entered a room. Rose immediately sat on the chair beside the bed. She gently took the Doctor's hand, resting it on the bed.
A phone went off, and Rose looked over to her father, where the source of the noise was coming from. "Sorry," her father said as he answered the phone and stepped out of the room, closing the door behind him.
((Potentially more coming.))
GinnyWeasley161 Community Member 
|
|
