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Well last night was not a whole lot of fun. I had to go to the Hospital. I have a bad habbit of bittingmy inner lip and cheek. Well last night I bit it to deeply. It was bleeding quite badly. The staff at Mainestay sent me to the ER. I ended up with 5 stiches in my mouth. They have already started to come out. I don't know if that's a good thing or not. Maybe it is. Maybe it means that my mouth is healing. Granted I learned a lesson last night. I'm not going to do that again.

Work was dead today. I ended up getting pissed off at one of my co-workers. She was telling me what to do. She's not even a shift leader. She thinks she is, but she's not. It really annoyed me. I did what she wanted any way. I mean the stuff had to get done. She could have asked me nicer though.

I finally have every thing in at Avesta. I should know soon when I'll have an apartment. If it's more then 1.5 months, I'm moving back in with my parents. I really can't stand staying at MaineStay to much longer. The stress there makes me want to hurt myself and or others there. It's actually one of the reasons why I started to "chew" and bite my cheek and lip.

I'm going to a spagetii supper tonight. It's being put on by the Jukado competition team. My mom is going to be going as well. I'm just happy it's getting me out of Mainestay for a while. I really hate being there. I mean I am hardley ever home. I'm really only there to sleep. It's sad when you don't care any more. I mean I feel at time like I'd rather be living in the shelter. I wont leave till I have another place to stay, but that's how I feel.

I'm looking forward to next week. I'll be back in school. I mean there have been times that I haven't wanted to go to class, and I'd be lieing if I said that I never skipped class. I'm still going though. I'm going to pass both classes this semester. It's a good thing for me to.

While I have been doing reserch for my english paper, I have been doing some serious thinking regarding my religious preferances and spirituallity. It's time that I got some "traditional" Wiccan training. I'm going to need to get mylicence first, but I've already started to look at Covens and groups out of State. Some of them have replied to my inquiries already. This is a good sign. Of course I'll meet them in person before I do anything with them, but at least I have started right?

Well, that about somes it up.

~Devi~

This is a copy of an e-mail I wrote to my BF. It explains how I am feeling and the like now.

Hello my darling.

I love you very much and that's why i'm so scared now. I see myself going back to how I used to deal with some problems. It scares me, because it will ultimatlly do the very last thing I ever want to do, specially to you.

I wanted to explain earlier while I was in your arms but I couldn't. You were able to soothe me for a while. It did help during the time. I believe you and I have the same dream you have, but once you left my brain just wouldn't shut it's self off.

I know you realize I'm scared about going into EMDR, but thats only a part of it. It's the larget part, but it's still has more to it then that. There is nothing you can do, or have done, it's just part of me and it's a demon I thought has long gone away.

In the past when ever things have gotten hard for me I would turn to those I loved the most. I would ask them to hold me close and keep me safe. But I wasn't there. I was making myself be there. My mind however was far away and not wanting any contact with any of the people that I cared most about.

This now is my fear. I do not want to end up pushing you away like I have done with every one in the past. I need to be with some one on this journey I am about to undertake, yet because of some of the issues I have to face I dont want any one to be close to me at all. Ever.

I'm so scared that I'll end up doing the same to you and I dont want to. I dont realize it till it's much to late and the people I wanted to be there for me have left me for good. I'm scared Ben. I really am. I dont know how to stop it either.

Please help me not do this. You are the most important person to me and I can't let myself get that way again. Yet I dont know how to stop it, and the thought of me pushing you away, makes my greatest fear come true, and that is that I can't hold on to those who I love and care about and I never will be able to and ultimatlly I will be alone.

Along with this is the fact that I feel from that point that I can not trully love and I am not capable of being loved by any one. I know this not to be true. You have shown me that more and more. I dont feel as if our love is something that like so many my age believe to be love but in reality it's not. I believe us to be soul mates and truelly ment for each other, but this pattern of behavior is starting to return.

This is why I am so scared. Not becaue of EMDR, but because of what it will bring to me. That is why my heart doesn't want me to go. Because it knows what will happen. My brain will be clouded and confused and all that I love will become lost in that confusion. I dont want to loose you in that confusion, let alone at all.

This is why I was crying earlier and this is why I am crying now. I love you to much to loose you and let this happen. I can't stop it though. I dont know how. Don't let me start to push you away. Don't please. I couldn't bear it.

I'm scared Ben. And I dont know what I can do to stop this from happening. I can useually postpone it for a while, but ultimatlly, in the end I push away from every one and every thing and I am alone in a dark corner that is my brain and my heart because of what I allowed myself to do.

I love you so very much. Please... Please dont let me get like that. It allready started with the not talking to or caring about Jean any more. NNY is pretty much gone from the picture so it's just you left. Please help me.

All of my love,
~Charity~

right now I am very scared about
something. I am going to the DR soon to figure ot out. It's
probablly nothing but I'd rather be more safe then sorry.

If your wondering its about my belif that I could possiblly have
breast cancer. I have no idea about a familly history of it but I
have these cysts that have become painful and larger. I had a
suggestion in November to cut back the cafinee and take Vitamine E.
I've done both. And they are still quite painful and large.

My mother is making me an apaointment to see my Dr hopefully this week
about it. If not this week then soon. I've been meaning to have this
checked out for a while but I haven't out of fear of what might be said.

Either way I want something done about the pain I'm feeling. So I
hope to know with in the next few weeks what is going to be done. I
might end up having to have a surgery done to have the cysts removed
eventually. If thats the case then thats the case.

So if you could please send me this energy thats great.

~Silver~