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pfft xD |
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...-Nikki_Karalyn-...
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Posted: Tue Aug 14, 2007 @ 04:06pm
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titles are so pressuring :/
mm it's journal time once again ;D vi just needs to type sometimes XD well, type a wall of text. something satisfying to look at xD went to the mall on thursday. bought eclipse. (not to mention something to wear for the stupid pictures. why do we need to dress up for schedule pick up? no idea x___x) but eclipse was... amazing. like, i've read it twice now, and cried both times, and it's not that i love the story or anything, it's just so hard to put down, and there are quotes that make me go eee that's what i was trying to say all those times! o=
"Jacob's suffering had always triggered my protective side. It was not entirely rational - Jacob was hardly in need of any physical protection I could offer. But my arms, pinned beneath Edward's, yearned to reach out to him. To wrap around his big, warm waist in a silent promise of acceptance and comfort."
"... the emptiness when we were apart left it's own bitter aftertaste, something I didn't consciously notice until it was removed."
but enough eee'ing xD
yesterday my... er, grounding, i guess you'd call it, ended, so i got the phone back (home phone usage, i don't have a cell T___T) and called artiom ;D that made me feel so much better. and before i'd left for my lake house, i'd caught up with jmie and david and started talking to endi already, and yesterday i talked to sri and robertt :D and today i started talking to albert until i think his internet shitted out from china. XD at least i won't be horribly out of touch when i get back to school :]
i can't wait for lunch xD
i want my spaghetti. :D
i feel bad. i'm getting paid for this babysitting thing, when i'm just letting the kids stay at the house during the day. and i don't even do anything except like, get them their lunch. their mom even packs it with them. i feel horrible! but i do want that new camera :[ not that i'll have enough money for it anyway. because i had to buy my last camera x___x and i'm tired of it XD
0o i watched greek number five on ondemand yesterday :D the gay guy and his gay lover are cutee <3 XD and it rained beer! XD
a new medication // in theory just started playing on my tv. their vocals sound familiar XD but not as good as whatever it's reminding me of. why do i listen to this channel if barely anything i like plays? o___o because i'm crazy and lazy. ><
both artiom and sri apparently can't stand 'hey there delilah'. which breaks my heart, seeing as it was the only song i could pull off on the guitar and i really really like it T___T
i don't know why i still ask jessicafishie to get my music for me. she's not big on quality if she's tired. but at least she checks the quality XD so i'm forewarned.
all my brother and sister watch nowadays is funimation T___T
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Posted: Thu Aug 09, 2007 @ 02:52pm
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well.
``<3 yesterday would be my first day back to gaia in a while. i guess the announcements gave up on having me click them, so i had to go look for them myself XD some effort's probably good for me. (pft) i had a headache from yesterday until this morning. then i did the sensible thing and had some tylenol. but i'm not sure it matters because i don't think artiom can come over today if the people are gonna be here to fix the sprinklers.
hmm, i think i might just die if my parents knew that i do more on the internet then check my email (xD). rather smart of me to leave records of all my rulebreaking everywhere. but the rules are stupid anyway, n'est-ce pas? it's what i get for being asian xD
anyway, i came back yesterday because my darling jmie was like omgvi i was in this sf thread (it took me a bit to remember what sf was :/) and there was this guy and he had this longlong thing and at the end it was funny so i sent him a trade with 1337 gold (that didn't take me any time to understand, thankfully xD) and he pm'ed me like, i know who you are! you're nikki's friend. (knowing this from dem). wow i suck at telling stories XD anywayyy i was like 0o i should check that out.
so i did.
yeah. story telling skils = nonexistent.
i ended up stalking jmie for a good bit
at least there wasn't any banner waving.
/not so hot on following banners after reading dante.
i wonder if we'd already read that when we were doing the whole banner waving thing... jmie?
(not that i expect anyone to read this)
so i've been feeling a bit horrible lately
when i do sit down and gaia, it feels like i've lost the connection
not with the site, that's a given, with the people
but what can i expect? i'm online, and i haven't seen these people for forever.
plus, real life got more exciting. i didn't need to spend time online.
but i always feel guilty for drifting :/ it's a curse :[
like, who have i really spoken to this summer?
i broke up with a guy and then got a new one
(that sounds horrible, but that's the gist of it. though not quite in one sentence like that >< wink
but i've told... two fish, emylysobertzeph, evan, jmie, laundry jean sri...
not many people. a bit more than that, but not many.
and i'll walk into school in a few weeks and be like "hello."
"VI! how was your summer? we didn't hear from you! what happened?"
"well... there're some things you should probably know..."
i'd rather just walk into school and have everyone already know
but if i tell someone else to spread it, it'll come out wrong XD
i love jmie. i can talk to her whenever and there's never a drift from the time we've been apart. at least not a big one. nothing i can't get over, you know?
and emily and lys and zephan and robert, of course i can talk to whenever.
lately, i seem to only speak to my fish when i want something.
gaby'll always be there, and i know it. same with david, even if i haven't spoken to him since june.
drifting sucks.
damn my tendency to pick one person for a summer and run with it.
(and this summer, it wasn't gaia. that was summer 'o5)
maybe it is just that gaia's gotten kind of stupid.
but i think i got myself too involved and then felt responsibilities
and why have responsibilites here when i haven't got them irl?
i miss the closeness i felt with everyone around me
like, i hadn't been checking my profile
i learn that dem's left, since june, and i hadn't known
i haven't spoken to illy since like, he started vending.
but with drifting comes a certain detachment.
and that's what kills me. (*~
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...-Nikki_Karalyn-...
Community Member
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Posted: Sat Nov 04, 2006 @ 09:59pm
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hmm
x[[ It does feel nice to rant away without having to worry about too many people reading it; at least not too many people that affect my irl life. Isn't that just jmie? No one else from irl besides my fishies get on gaia, and they wouldn't read my journal. Greattt. <3 Mmm will jmie read this? XD HEY JMIE KEEP READING THIS PLEASE i'm about to talk to you :D <3 all right here you go: when you tell me I seem fake, I don't understand. That's okay. Not comprehending is a part of my life. When you tell me I don't know what love is [telling it to Jonny is the same thing in my opinion] all I can say is that I probably don't. But I think I do. I think I've known since I was born; I think everyone knows. And I must say it kind of hurts to be told that; but it's okay, see? It's okay because I think you need it more than me- I think if being mean is gonna help you then go right ahead because I can take it. I promise. Because I do love you- and damn that sounds cheesy and gay Dx I don't care if I don't really know you but emo from people I don't like doesn't eat me. When you're emo I want to help. But I can't- how could I? I don't understand. I'm stupid. Ta-da! I know I'm lame <3 I like being lame. I was always happy with myself; it's a part of my nature, but it took me a longgg time to become proud of myself. I've built it up to where only I can tear it down, but my ego won't even let me. And I really do believe it's a key to happiness, is being proud of what I've made here today; I made me. I am happy with me; I am happy. <3 And now I'm at a point where I can't see why people don't like themselves. I want to grab them and shake them and tell them there's nothing wrong with them. I want them to believe me.
Emotional dumpster~ the computer XD
I am overly sensitive. I promise. Thinking about the stupidest things makes me cry. Movies that make people laugh make me cry. Happy things make me cry sad things make me cry emo friends make me cry... it's a wonder that people think I don't. I don't think a catharsis would do me any good because I cry all the time. But then again, it doesn't take much to make me happy again... Just talking. Talking makes me happy. So there's no such thing as too much talking for me <3
Future. FUTURE PFFT who needs you?! I do. Dammit. I don't want to need the stupid future but of course I do; I don't want to die, so therefore I want to be alive. But what am I supposed to do? Even if I'm not good at anything, there is nothing that I want to do, nothing that I've considered, nothing I can imagine, nothing I love with a passion besides my friends. I'm immature; not like haha little kid immature; I've just never learned to be responsible. I've wormed my way around things and snuck and lied and depended on looking and sounding innocent for too long. I'm not smart. Okay I am. But I don't know how to study. I just go off of what I remember and that's it. I don't know how to learn. I've depended on luck for the longest time; around 5th grade it showed hints of not working anymore; last year it backfired. Math ate me. And I didn't care. But of course my parents did.
My parents are asian. Yes. But they don't bug me to do well. They just let me do what I want and then when it comes to the grade they tell me if they're upset and they're gonna take everything away or they're okay with it. I have no motivation; I do care out of habit and nature- I've cared for too long to stop caring now, I've become too used to success to accept failure. But I don't care enough to try. That immature illogical thought- "why can't everything just come out great without effort?!" It used to. It doesn't anymore.
I feel so guilty. Why the crap do I feel guilty?! Because I'm self-centered. I SHOULD CARE. Why don't I? Because I don't understand. I need to understand. I don't. I'm screwed for life. I feel guilty because I don't have to try, and I'm still doing well / okay. But I see my closest friends try and try and try and they can't get where they want to. I've been doing better then I could want and not trying at all. The fall is natural; I only have myself to blame. But who do they have to blame? No one. They're doing all they can but they can't get past this wall. Who am I to get past this wall when they can't?! There was a quote in Akeelah and the Bee that kind of fits this; I'm not scared of failure. Maybe I'm scared of success? Who are you not to? I don't know. But really. It's not fair. But I know I wouldn't pass up my end of the deal; because i'm selfish. And then I sit and feel bad but don't do anything about it.
Why do I get so hung up on prettiness? Not like, myself, physically type thing. Like... my font has to be pretty. The color has to be pretty. The things around me have to look pretty. It's like, what the crap Vi, that doesn't matter. But apparently it does. And you know what else? This long wall of text and stuff; it satisfies me. Because I want to be able to draw, to be able to write. But I can't get inspired to write about anything more than myself or the flashes of thoughts that are running through my head. I don't know enough about the rest of the world; stories require planning, and I don't want to know the ending before I write it. I want to live for now; I want what I write to be the same way. So I never plan. I just go.
Lighten up while you still can, don't even try to understand, just find a place to make your stand and take it easyyy. I wish I wouldn't be like that. I wish that I wouldn't take things so lightly. I mean; I don't take things lightly... I don't know. It's a paradox that I can't phrase. I do spaz, I do, I swear; this is proof. Butbutbut... I just spaz. That's it. I don't do anything about it. It never occurs to me that maybe I should... We may lose and we may win, though we will never be here againnn~
Mmm. All I know is that what I have right now; this is the best thing that could've happened to me. It's good for me and you and it's what we needed. Of course I won't be okay if it ends; I won't be okay right then anyways. But I'll take that risk for the now; the future can come and take me like it's been trying to. But I'll stay in the now for all of my life. That's the only place I can really be. I don't have to think about forever; I'll think about today. Who knows, what could happen, do what you do just keep on laughing, one thing's true- there's always a brand new dayyy. I'm gonna live today like it's my last day~ There's not a doubt in my mind that this isn't right for me; not like I could step in the same river twice, eh? o= I'm okay. I'm happy.
For now, I'm okay.
This is good, this is right.
I think we're going somewhere, we're onto something good here; Out of mind, out of state, trying to keep my head on straight. I think we're going somewhere and we're onto something here; there's only one thing left to do, take all I have and go with you. Somewhere back there I left my worries all behind, my problems fell out of the back of my mind; I'm going in and I'm never knowing, never knowing where I'm going and to go back to where I was would just be wrong- I'm pressing on. Pressing on, pressing on- all my distress is going, going, gone, pressing on, pressing on. And I won't sit back and take this anymore because I'm done with that, I've got one foot out the door ... I think we're going somewhere, we're on to something good here- Adversity, we get around it, I looked for joy and in you I found it ... I'm pressing on.
No, I'm not christian. I never could be; it goes against me. I'm agnostic.
But I can press on nevertheless <3 |.
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...-Nikki_Karalyn-...
Community Member
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...-Nikki_Karalyn-...
Community Member
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Posted: Sat Oct 14, 2006 @ 06:31pm
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Journal Time?
Journal'ing isn't really what I normally do, but whatever :D I can rant for a bit. Ranting doesn't mean bad things in my life though, because accordding to jmie I am unnaturally always happy XD <3 Maybe I'll try something a little stream of consciousness...
So let's start. I'm kind of hungryyy XD Oops there's an 'XD', I need to stop using that so much... but I'm always feeling that way XD Oh crap there I go again. Really though. "You're just jealous because we can act stupid in public and people still love us" <3 HAHA =] God, I can't guess jmie's thingyyy. I should know, or I feel that way. Mmm... Stanton comparing Stoicism to Christianity made me feel that being Christian is kinda crappy even more. All those poor happy people. XD I'm happy =] Maybe too happy? I didn't use to be happy. I used to have fun, but I don't think I was happy. Now I have both :D Probably since 8th grade, my life has been perfect to me <333 Well not perfect, I guess, but as close as it gets :D
Oh, Jonny's on AIM!
-ends journal- XD
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