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Random Thoughts and Naive Values
I feel conflicted about myself.

Let's skip all the pomp and circumstance of my first journal entry and just get to it, shall we?

I am a fat person. I'm not just chubby, I'm 5 foot 2 inches tall and almost 200 pounds. Little bit more than chubby. I've always been okay with myself. I've always thought that I was beautiful and special in my own way, until a couple of days ago.

I was searching through Gaia for forums to post on, just to get some extra gold, when I saw a post (since deleted by Gaia, I think) titled something like: ARE FAT/UGLY PEOPLE PRESSURING YOU TO HATE THIN/BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE?... or something to that affect. For some inexplicable reason, I clicked on it. A, I'm going to guess, thin person ranted about how they were tired of jealous fat bitches with three chins hating on them because they were healthy.

Several posts were added, people writing things like "I can't stand to look at them" and one person wrote "Neither super fat nor super thin people deserved to be loved. So shut it." I turned away, sickened at the blatant hate over someone's body.

Then I read on and there were people saying things like "For God's sake, walk a mile and drink some water" and "You can rant all you want, it's still not going to make them get on that treadmill."

I have read a book recently called Big Fat Manifesto by Susan Vaught, about a Fat Girl using a high school newspaper column crusading for "fat acceptance", and about her dealing with her life and the consequences of her newspaper column. In the book her overwieght boyfriend has baraitric surgery and looses weight fast, wich affects her life even more.

Anyways, all of this coming at me so fast has made me think about myself and my life. What do I believe in? I know that being overwieght is unhealthy, and that it's stopped me from doing a lot of things in my life. Being sixteen years old, I'm still searching for my niche in life.
I've begun to think about why people hate and reject fat people, or are extra nice to them because of it.

Do I not hate fat people only because I'm one of them? Do I hate myself for letting this happen, and for every second of my life that I spend not doing something about it? When I say "I'm fine with myself, don't try and change me", am I really fine? If I do lose the weight and become healthy, how will I treat fat people in the future?

Or maybe I'm allowing the world around me to make me think what they want me to think, and that I'm actually special and beautiful like my friends tell me?

Does this actually have anything to do with happy and sad, beautiful and ugly, love and hate, or is it about healthy?
I feel so confused, and I don't know what to think anymore. This post was more about getting my feelings out than looking for answers, so if you don't have one, no biggie.
If your comment actually makes sense and you're actually trying to make a point, and you're not just "Trashing fatties", then I will NOT delete your comment simply because I don't agree with you. All opinions are welcome here, and if you can be nice about it, I welcome it all the more.

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  • [11/29/09 06:09am]
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