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I'm at a very awkward point.

Lately, I've been reacting before thinking, but in such a way that denotes craziness on a level not before known to me. I am "under the impression" that I know or understand things, when I don't really at all.

I mood swing a lot. I worry that I'm slowly, actually losing my mind.

I also fear for my approach to school. Amongst the mood swinging, I was able to realize that I falter when things aren't easy. When I was younger, everything was easy. When things started getting hard, I didn't know how to deal, so I'd shut down and assume I was bad at those things.

But what I fear, is my current approach; the ego-based, power-striving approach. I'm a very all or nothing person, so when I shoot for all, I really shoot for it. I've spent years studying about the illusionary reality of the ego - it is built only to lead you to suffering by imposing want, or a sense of lack. I fear letting my ego lead, since it did that when I was younger. For when it did, and I succeeded, I was disappointed with my glory.

But maybe I can trick myself into striving for things. If I can trick myself into enjoying this long enough. If I lose interest, then I have to move on.

As far as physics goes, I'm melancholy. Right now I'm on an up; I feel like I'll make progress if I keep studying, or at least reading tons. But I don't know if I enjoy it. I found enjoyment in realizing how things work if the world stopped spinning. But other than that...?

Regardless, all things considered, I just want to be happy, and spiritually at ease.