Senior Year.... Sometimes... well, sometimes it feels like nothing has changed. I feel like I havn't changed in the least bit. At the beginning of last year, I wanted things to be different so, I ended up dating a really crappy guy. I wish I hadn't dated him, but then again, I wouldn't be any smarter now, would I?
This year started the same, only the guy was nice. He was respectable. He was everything I wanted in a guy, the only problem? There has to be a problem, right? I can list a bunch. A bunch that could hide how I really felt in the end.
I hate computers. I work well with them, I can find things for people, sure no doubt. But computer relationships? Those are my most hated. I was, in a way, convinced into a relationship online. Thought, maybe, some how, it would be okay, Maybe, I could get used to something like it. But the thing was, every time we talked about a future, it scared me. Scared me more than I could believe. I could never meet this person.
I've been hurt before. I've been betrayed, raped, silenced, left behind, and physically unable to speak. And this? On some day's, the thought of actually someday having to meet this person.... reminded me of every pain I had felt. It was not the person who made me feel this way, it was a thought.
A simple thought, one that could just sit there in the back of your mind eating away at your cells while you are working on a chemistry paper, or maybe just chilling with your friends on top of some hay bell, driving around town yelling out "We have senior power, we are number one." A simply thought that has more than once ruined my life.
I will always wonder how this would have turned out, meeting someone at the end of an isle, "Hey, I'm that person you have been talking to for the last twelve months. How are you?" But the thing is? That's not me. I don't meet people that I've met online. I am physcally unable to form a relationship and follow it through for the life of me. I cannot and will not do it.
I can honestly say that I loved this person, but sometimes, it makes me wonder.... Was it the person? Or the thought of the person? In the end, I think both parties feel the same way, one is just too chicken s**t to admit it. Or maybe, too psycotically involved to care. I'm not saying that the other person is a nut job, no way am I ever going to say that.
I'm saying that the other person is enjoying the robot posing as a human, so much so, that he doesn't realize he doesn't actually love it. He loves the idea.
If only he really knew me. But he doesn't. He just hears me, not know me. I don't think that I can do that. Maybe I'm only hearing him, maybe that's the real problem. Either way, I can't do it. I am bound to a life of unhappiness until I can change some things in my life.
The beauty of ... well... everything.