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love is like falling...and falling is like this. i love ani difranco.
i also love housesitting and quiet, but not dog walking or really hot days. make this heat go away, please, i am begging you. the woman i am housesitting for forgot to leave me her mail key, among other things. and this house is a mess.
it's only 7 and i am already bored. ngggh.
Bituminous Sky · Sat Jul 01, 2006 @ 01:49am · 0 Comments |
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wakeful eyes.
once upon a time, you knew more about me than i did. like a butterfly wraps itself in a cocoon in order to metamorphasize, i wrapped myself in you. inside the damp, bloody cavity of your chest - a dark place of longing and fragmented thoughts - i curled myself up and found oblivion in changing my identity completely. little did i know that one day i would have to climb back out and that i would miss the safety more than anything ever before. you were first my window to a new world, and then my door. if i knew, beforehand, that i would become so completely dependent on your presence in my life, would i have changed things? i'm not sure.
being dependent on someone, in such an emotional way, is a godsend when you need it, but a crippling effect when you try to become independent again. having someone else there to always bouy you up when you fall is wonderful until they are no longer there to do it. once they are gone, the support system is gone, and you fall flat on your a** without any preparation for the darkness that brings.
with him in my life, everything was brighter. i saw more clearly, was infinitely aware of what i believed to be the truth, and found a blissful amount of confidence in my ability to survive. my best friend, my lifeline, the voice in my head, he was everything and he never should have been. i never should have allowed it. he's walked out now, and it happens more and more often lately that i find myself in a void and don't know quite how to get of it. he is not a voice on the other line, talking me through it. he is not a constant presence at my side. and because he was everything, i have no one else. no one who would ever, ever be able to fill his shoes.
i'm scared of who i will become without him. and scared of how much my dependency on him has crippled me. i will never stop loving him, and how can i love someone else if i am still wrapped up in him?
you left and now i can't remember how to breathe. what happened to us?
Bituminous Sky · Tue Jun 27, 2006 @ 08:16am · 1 Comments |
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WHY ARE PEOPLE SO GODDAMN STUPID?
UGH. GROW SOME BRAINS OR AT LEAST SOME ******** COMMON SENSE.
Bituminous Sky · Wed Dec 28, 2005 @ 06:16am · 0 Comments |
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i spend hours running from sunlight and life and the possibility of love. in desperate moves of fear, i've ruined every relationship that could have gone somewhere. and this is solely the reason for my conviction that i will spend the rest of my life seeking unconditional love from cats. i'm doomed to become an angry cat lady, taking care of more cats than i can count and shooing rambunctious hoodlums off my lawn.
it's frightening how easily i can envision that future.
Bituminous Sky · Tue Dec 27, 2005 @ 09:21pm · 0 Comments |
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golden-winged laughingthrush, dovekie, hoopoe, firecrest, white-tailed iora, fairy pitta, malaysian honeyguide, rainbow bee-eater, pygmy lorikeet, emporer fairy-wren, scarlet sunbird, sulawesi myzomela, shikra, balicassiao, splendid astrapia, singing starling, nias myna.
have you ever heard such wonderful names? thus are the birds of asia, only a mere handful in comparison to the thousands of species. i might be in love. the names roll of my tongue like spell-words and i am completely enchanted. beautiful names, beautiful birds, beautiful continent. i never really considered it before, but i'm thinking perhaps i have been looking in the wrong place. it was always about europe or the united states - either spain or san francisco. but what about asia? it's part of my heritage, after all. is it possible that i could live in indonesia, beijing, thailand? maybe it would feel like going home.
i am constantly searching for home. there is a part of me that is always missing this place, making me homesick, and it won't be relieved because i don't know where it is. in the margins of all my notebooks, my textbooks, the surfaces of my desk, i write, "home?", but it is not there. this is not home. where is home, and how can i find it? is it in asia? indonesia, china, thailand? is it in europe? spain, holland, scotland? the questions remain at the beginning: who am i, and where do i belong? all i know is that i do not belong here.
i want to find the people of my ancestry. the people from whom i got my moonface and my tilted eyes [so out of place, being blue and on this face]. if i had darker eyes, you wouldn't have to look closely to see the asian blood that runs in my veins. the brightness of the blue throws them off.
a perfect mix of strange ancestry. asian-like height, eye-shape and face-shape, my scottish hair, hands and nose, and the dutch eye-color, body-type and ears. heritage that can be read in the shape of the features, the curve of my cheekbone or the slant of my eyes. i am the physical history of a dozen generations. i want to marry an asian man and have dark-eyed, moonfaced children.
from birds to ancestry, this is the way my mind works. oh, the strange connections it makes, though maybe not so strange for birds and i are connected in an ancestral way also: the ancestry of the spirit. lovely.
Bituminous Sky · Sun May 01, 2005 @ 08:18pm · 0 Comments |
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mistress of the geek brigade. |
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lately being on gaia turns me into this like...bitchy monster beast. all the little n00bs are driving me bonkers. for juno's sake, grow the ******** up. kthx. i'm also sick of internet speech like nothing else. if i get lol'd at or omg'd or ur'd one more time, i swear i'm going to bitchslap someone.
i blame english AP. lately i'm blaming it for all my problems. it makes me think too much and makes me enjoy proper english far more than i should. it's also making me noticeably eloquent, which is not usually a good thing. i hate it when people look at me like i'm crazy because i use "big words". umgh. i am not a walking dictionary, i do not read the encyclopedia.
GEEK ALERT. sigh.
Bituminous Sky · Wed Mar 09, 2005 @ 07:26am · 0 Comments |
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