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My Sister Loves Telling the Story of the Cabbage |
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My sister loves telling the story of the cabbage.
"Sis?"
"Yeah?"
"Three people have asked about the story. I want to post it now."
"So post it."
"Tell it to me?"
Sis looks at me from the fanfiction she's reading. "Okay... um... well, where to start? Do you want background?"
"Yeah."
She sighs. "Okay," she says, pushing herself away from the computer. "In the beginning, the land of Egypt was ruled by Osiris and his wife Isis. But Set, their brother, was jealous, and he killed Osiris. Isis revived her husband, and they concieved Horus the Avenger. So Set killed Osiris. Again. And chopped him into thirteen little pieces. And scattered the pieces. Isis found all but the genitals, which she replaced with gold, and Osiris became king of the afterlife. But Set wasn't done. He wanted the throne of Egypt, and he fought Horus for it. One day, Set devised a new plan to defeat Horus, something he couldn't do mainly because of Horus's meddlesome mother. He called his nephiew to his house for a meal and told him he wanted no more fighting. They ate together peacefully, and then Set motioned to a couch and suggested they sleep after their long meal. Horus was suspicious, and only feined sleep, and sure enough, Set tried to have his way with him. Horus caught the seed, or semen, in his hand and did the worst thing he could possibly do. He ran home to mommy."
Sis is grinning like a loon. She loves telling this story. She loves the reaction it gets. She loves the fact that I'm helping to spread it. I feel a little guilty.
"See, Horus's mommy is the greatest goddess of them all. But what's more, she's a magician and a trickster. And that's a very, very dangerous combination. So of course Isis is enraged. And the first thing she does is chop off her son's hand and throw it in the river. And then she gave him a new one. So he wouldn't be tainted, you know?"
"Some loving mother..."
"Oh, she was! She was the greatest! Anyway. So she replaced his hand, and then she thought a while about how to turn the situation around. And then she asked her sone for some of his seed. Horus obliged, and she took it to a garden where cabbage grew. The cabbage, she knew, belonged to Seth, and he ate some every night. So she sprinkled the semen on it."
I accidentally make a noise of disgust, and Sis tilts her head to the side. "I've told you this story before and you still have problems with it?"
"Everyone has problems with this story."
"True. Anyway, Seth, not knowing what Isis had done, ate his cabbage for dinner. And when he did that, the seed entered him and he became pregnant with Horus's child." There's a silence, and then, "Isn't male pregnancy awesome?"
"Most people are traumatized by the thought."
"Ain't it great? Anyway, the next day, Seth went to the other gods to brag about how he'd achieved dominance over Horus. When asked if the story Seth told was true, Horus replied that no, it was not, and that he had, in fact dominated Seth. And then there was a really big argument. The gods argued until Thoth, the wise ibis-headed scribe god, made a suggestion. 'Call forth the seed of the two gods and see what answers.' So the gods called for the seed of Seth, and it answered from the river, where the severed hand had been thrown. And Seth was pretty pissed. But not nearly as pissed as when they called for the seed of Horus, and a tiny voice inside Seth replied, 'I am here!' Seth was really, really, really pissed, and he wanted the seed OUT! So the other gods called it to come out. 'How shall I emerge?' Through his nose, perhaps? 'I am the seed of a god! I cannot be borne of the nose!' So come out the ear, then? And the seed did, and Seth birthed a golden globe out of his ear. He would have gladly disposed of it, but Thoth in his wisdom took the globe and placed it on his head, thus making himself into the son of Horus and Seth and cementing the fact that yes, Horus had totally gotten one up on Seth. All the gods had a good laugh at Seth before going home, and Seth was left to fume and wonder how the hell this had happened. And Horus went back home to his loving, wise, clever mother, and eventually managed to beat Seth, and lived happily ever after, at least until the Christians came and squashied his religion. And that's the story of the cabbage!"
"It amazes me that you can recite all that from memory."
Sis's eyes twinkle. "Can I tell the story of how Isis tricked Seth into denouncing his own attempts to take the throne?"
"No!"
"Awww... Well, how about the one where she steals the powers of Ra?"
"No..."
"You're no fun at all..."
 Fleurica · Wed Apr 12, 2006 @ 04:25am · 2 Comments |
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My Sister is a Dirt-worshiping, Tree-hugging Hippie |
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My sister is a dirt-worshiping, tree-hugging hippie.
Yesterday she sat reading comic books and laughing. I asked her what she was laughing about, and she handed me a comic about a mummified cat. I read the line she was cracking up about. And I became very, very confused.
"Sis... isn't this making fun of the gods you worship?"
"Yeah? And?"
"You think it's funny?"
"Well, it is."
I didn't get it. This comic was making fun of the ancient Egyptian gods my pagan sister worshiped, she knew it, and she was laughing. "How can you think this is funny?"
Sis sat back with a thoughtful look on her face. "I guess I just get the joke because I know the myth it's talking about."
"No, how can you think it's funny when it makes fun of your beliefs?"
And then Sis looked really thoughtful. And then she shrugged. "Pagans have a sense of humor."
And then I did something really stupid. I asked for clarification.
"Well, it's like this. We're accepting of others, and we accept that they won't all be accepting of us. And we have a sense of humor about it because we can accept that. Not like Christians."
Christians? Sis has something against Christains?
"No! Of course not! I even tried to be one for a while. Florie, Christians are, for the most part, good people who genuinly care about the souls and spirits of others. They just... can't take a joke real well?" Sis shrugged. "See, Christians don't like being targeted because... well, because they can't always argue against it very well. They have a messy past. Fact is, the Christians have killed more people than any other religious group. And they don't like being reminded of it." Sis sits back with a devious grin. "Makes 'em fun to talk to. You ever want out of a conversation with a Christian, just bring up the Crusades."
"Why should I bring up the Crusades?"
"Because stuff happened that Christianity really isn't proud of. See, the Christians were going along, killing everyone they met, plundering cities, la la la. So, the people of this one city decide they don't want to die, and they say, we surrender. We don't want to die. Take the city, do what you want, you win. And the Christians looked at them and said, well that's just boring as all hell. So they killed them and ate them."
Sis had to be making this up... except she never lies in religious discussions. I know that. "They ate them?!?"
"Yep. They resorted to canabalism as a cure for boredom. And Christians today hate being reminded of that, you know why? Because they can't make it go away. It happened. And they know it." Sis looks strangely satisfied. "But us pagans, we know we've done weird things, and we don't mind, because everyone is weird to someone else. Me, I think Christianity is weird. I mean, really. There's a big man in the sky watching every thing you do, and there are ten things he doesn't want you to do, only ten. And if you do them you're sent to a firey abyss. But he loves you and will forgive anything! Uh-huh. And he's perfect. Who's perfect? My Gods are gods, but they're far from perfect. I mean, Nepthys banged her brother in law! Ra was senile! And don't get me started in Seth. But they are gods and should be respected, and I can relate to them even more through their imperfections. Like, say a man has problems with his virility. He can take it up with Osiris and feel fine, because Osiris can relate. Isis never did find his genitals. It gives you common ground."
"Your gods are strange."
Sis gave me a big grin. "Ask me about the cabbage some time."
I thought about that conversation all afternoon yesterday. And I sat and read the Sheba comics my sister was reading. They didn't just poke fun at her religion, they hit everyone. But I read them. And I made a decision as I read them.
I'm never having a theological discussion with big sis again.
And you never, never, NEVER want to ask about the cabbage.
Fleurica · Sat Apr 08, 2006 @ 04:58am · 2 Comments |
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My Sister is a Bishojo Drama Queen. |
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My sister is a bishojo drama queen.
Sad, isn't it? She's twenty years old, but she thinks she's still sixteen. So does everyone else. But what's even sadder is, her life is vastly influential on me. I don't think she means for it to be, it just is. My sister, or half-sister, if you want to get technical, is only six months older than me, and she used to be the standard by which I judged myself.
Until she got weird. She got very, very weird. Around the age of seventeen, she said, screw you people. I'm going to be me! And she started dressing funny.
Now, that's not to say that my big sister didn't already say screw you people. She did. She just said it louder once she turned seventeen.
So what does this have to do with me?
I first met big sis when I was twelve years old. She was thirteen, in high school, and full of amazing stories of the amazing things she'd already done- climbing mountains, facing down bullies, sailing ships. She'd sit with a photo album and tell me about all the people she knew at her amazing old school. And her school was amazing! It was for gifted kids, and they did special things, like climbing mountains and sailing ships, because you could do things like that at a very young age when you were that smart. She was the coolest person I'd ever met.
I never got around much as a kid, I guess.
Over the years the stories kept coming- about the things she did in high school. She once waged an all-out war with a teacher, she stood up to and stood down the seniors, she helped direct a play... And she grew an ego. I didn't mind. She was my perfect hero.
And then I met Kima Marie. "This is our baby sister!" I was crushed. She was the baby? What about me? I wanted to be the baby sister! Not fair at all! But Kima Marie lived far away. Oh. Okay, then. I can be the baby sister when she isn't around! Besides, Kima was hardly there for my sister to confide in. A teenager had a lot to rant about, too! But I listened to every word. I was a good little sister.
Then after a year or so, my perfect hero wound up desperately sick, and I got to see how weak she really was. I'll never forget how she looked lying in that hospital bed.
"Sis, if you were hurting that bad, why didn't you tell me?"
"Didn't want you to worry... there's nothing you could have done anyway..." And she smiled at me, but it was a weak smile, as if she was giving up. My sister! My perfect sister was ready to give in to whatever was bringing her down!
That's when I realized big sister wasn't perfect. And she needed me. She really, really needed me when she was lying in that hospital bed. That's when I realized that even heroes were human, and I started growing up myself. It was the turning moment in my life.
So really, my big sister was a big influence on me as I grew up. She was cool! And then, as I said, she got weird. Right now, she's walking around the house in gothic lolita. Who in America wears gothic lolita?!? She does! AND PEOPLE THINK IT'S SEXY! And then they find out she has a sister, and they want to meet her! Both hers! Wow, there's three of you?!? One problem.
Kima Marie and I are nothing. Like. Aeris. And people have a really hard time accepting that. THESE are your sisters? They're... normal! And then they look at us like we're freaks of some sort. She's the freak, people. Not us! Not us at all! And I sigh, and I think to myself, it's not easy being the sister of a bishojo drama queen...
Well, that's all for tonight. More about myself, my sister, and our strange, strange lives later! Meow!
Fleurica · Thu Mar 02, 2006 @ 04:56am · 3 Comments |
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