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Mimzy - have
Titan's Legacy (Seed) - have
Toadstool - have
Satin Hairbow - have
Classilke 3rd Gen. - have 7th generation
White Stockings - have
Winter Groom
Hidden Ace 6th Gen.
Wonderland - have
Grandiose Imports - have
Nightwind Dragon Slippers - have



Questing later gen of Hidden Ace to save money.

So I think I'm officially clinically depressed. I sleep half the day away, I stay up 'till 3 in the morning watching crap on tv. The hours I am awake and not working, I'm on the internet, or watching more crap on tv, or with Tim trying to feel half-way normal and only sometimes succeeding. I have absolutely no sex drive and even when I think I might be getting it back, it's always the wrong guy that pops into my head so I just sit on my feelings because that's how it was when I cheated with Paul and I know I'm not right in my head. I can't tell this to Tim 'cause it'd just make him feel bad. At least I can be proud that I'm not still cheating with other guys.

Life is just way too confusing right now. Bleh, terrible. I don't know what to say beyond that.

Haven't felt like journaling in a while. Don't know why. I just feel apathetic lately. Maybe it's because my meds ran out and I only just filled my prescription yesterday. Bleh.

But I do have plans to go to the beach on Monday, so that should be lots of fun. I have a family therapy appointment Tuesday, but I'm not sure I want to go. I may make my mom just go and work out her myriad of issues.

So, an odd day. My friend Mike was supposed to call me to make plans to get together today, but I was sure he would've called by now. So I've been doing laundry and I had a long conversation with Tim. We're actually trying to work things out, taking it slow and seeing if instead of just dumping the relationship, if we can work on a healthy relationship. Mike won't be thrilled when I tell him that, but even before I decided to try again with Tim I was going to tell Mike that I couldn't be his girlfriend.

Ugh. I just want the problems in my life to go away. Rarr.

That and I'm hungry, there isn't much to eat in this house, but I have so little money I can't really justify going out and getting something. I'm sure I'll scrounge something up. By Friday I'll have my paycheck and I can pick up a few groceries if I have to, but by that point I bet my parents will do something about the empty fridge. It's like a swinging pendulum, first the fridge will crammed with leftovers, then once they're gone it's like a miracle that dinner gets on the table and I'm thinking "where the heck did that chicken come from?" It wouldn't be so bad if I even had a loaf of bread for sandwiches. Whatever.

This week has been really hard. Tim and I called it quits romance wise. We're still best friends though, we couldn't be anything less than that. I don't know if this is really going to work, the sting is still too fresh. I keep thinking that any moment I'm going to go running back to him, but the point was for us to get untangled from each other and stand on our own two feet. He said he's probably going to ask me out again, in three months or so. I said we'll see what happens in three months.

I have been so reliant on him for emotional support. As long as he was happy and as long as he loved me, it didn't seem to matter that I was stuck in the mud with my life. But that's no kind of life. We both were leaning on the other too much, and when either of us got ahead, it was at some sacrifice of the other. I like the idea that we might try again once we develop our own senses of identity and have some of our own accomplishments to be proud of.

I've really been struggling with the idea of what I want out of my life and the fact that I deserve to be happy in my own right. I have no idea what I want and it's a little scary trying to embrace the fact that I can do whatever I want. Right now I'm trying not to fall into constant escapism. Yesterday, I had my sulking day and watched West Wing all day long, but I also tried to do something real, so I went on Craig's List and responded to an add for a female singer. Who knows if I'll get it, but it's a start. I'm also going to start looking for a better paying job. The theater is ok, but the hours have really slowed down since we have so many people. I know it'll pick up in fall when people go back to school, but I really need a better income. I think Tim and I will still go ahead with our grow-op idea, but it'll have to be different since we won't be moving in together as a couple. I certainly can't be his roommate just as a friend right now. Maybe six months down the road, but not right now.

So right now, my options are pretty wide open. I just have to figure out what I want to do.

So last entry I was complaining about spending a second day in the phone room. Major irony, I only ended up being there for about 3 hours out of my 8 hour shift. Of course the first hour or so was spent in darkness because the lights went out and no one could figure out why. I had some light from the computer screen, but it was still a little hard to take messages. But after three hours, another girl came up and since she'd just had surgery she couldn't be on her feet for a long time, so she took over phone room and I worked her place in concession for the rest of my shift.

Which despite being still a long day and hard work, turned out to be a very good thing. A particular friend of mine I hadn't seen in about a year came to the movies with his friends and it was majorly exciting to see him. He joked that I owed him a date and he was going to cook me dinner, so I went to his house after I got off work and we chilled which was very nice. We have plans to go to the beach on Monday.

And I got glasses yesterday. I was really happy they were ready so soon, I wasn't expecting them to be ready until Monday. I'm not really used to wearing them yet, but I'm so shocked at how much clearer everything is. I keep looking over them, then through them, then over them again comparing the before and after. I didn't really realize how bad my sight was before. I mean it's not terrible, I still passed my driver's test, and I'm only a little near-sighted which means reading and close up work is fine. But now when I look at things without my glasses it looks like everything is slightly sfumato (the painting technique where you make things purposely soft and hazy like the Mona Lisa). With my glasses everything is so sharp, almost like an over-developed photograph. I have a slight astigmatism which means I'm getting a little distortion like looking through a fish-eye lens, but the lady I got my glasses from says that'll go away in a few days. It's already way better than it was yesterday. I had to keep putting my glasses on top of my head and let me eyes rest from it a little, but at the same time I'm trying to wear them full time to get adjusted to them as quickly as possible, not to mention just getting used to them being on my face.

Yesterday was not fun. Today will probably be more of the same. Two days of 8 hour shifts in the phone room. Bleh. Tomorrow is another 8 hour shift but it's in box office which is more manageable a) because I won't be alone, and b) somehow time goes much faster in box office. I'm so tired lately that I barely enjoy what free time I have. And it seems like on days off I'm either with Tim (meaning running around doing stuff ending up more tired) or I'm at home arguing with my parents (meaning my rest time is nearly as restful as I'd like). Only few more days until I get my glasses, thank goodness. I'm ready to have them and just start wearing them and seeing better. It's taken about a month to get this far, mostly because of procrastination. Ugh, have to leave for work in a just a moment. I just gotta keep reminding myself about the paycheck. Once I get a little money tucked away, Tim and I can make the first step towards our dream job. It's not that far off.

I have such bad cramps, I do not want to go to work today. But I reaaaaally need the money, so off I go. It's only 5 1/2 hours of work (with 30 min break so only 5 hours real work) and it concession stand which I can do blindfolded. Actually it'll be nice change because nobody bitches to the concession people. Box office gets bitching all the time ("The movie times online aren't right" "why can't I take my kid in the 21+ area" "You screwed up and I want a refund" wink , and of course phone room deals with bitchy calls all the time, and even when I'm an usher people will come out and complain about the stupidest things. But nobody complains to the concessionists (unless we screw up their order which I almost never do anymore).