Just wanted to rant, then I'm off to work.
I’m really not happy. I’m extremely happy when I’m out of the house, but when I enter that place back once again, my entire mood just drops. It’s even hard for me to write all my problems down, because there’s just way too many. I go through enough with my so called “father” at home. What father ? He doesn’t even act like one, so I refuse to acknowledge him as a father. I like going to my friends houses and see how a real father must act, it sort of gives me a sense of comfort if you ask me. I miss that I never got to bond with a dad, I never got to just be the “daddy’s girl.” I guarantee that I’d get along so much better with my dad if he was just a bit more sane. When it comes to my mother, normally we get along well, but I regret the day that I told her that I had a boyfriend. I absolutely regret it. In her eyes, a boyfriend is someone who you want to have sex with. Which is totally bizarre, but hey, she’s Indian, and she was brought up that way. In India, there are NO boyfriends. You just get married. I just want her to be more . . . . understanding ? She wont even give anyone who actually ‘likes’ me a chance, and that’s what bothers me. She believes that every guy only wants sex. Every guy wants to touch you, take your clothes off, and then have sex with you. She doesn’t know that guys can actually be GOOD.
If I’m suffering so much at home, why not just let me live my life? Now I’m not going to lie to you, I told my mom that I had a boyfriend when Corey (my boyfriend) and I were dating for about 3 months. And well, I just couldn’t let him go like that, so me and him are still dating, and my mom doesn’t know about it. We’ve been dating for about 8 months now, and I swear, I’m so happy when I’m with him. He honestly just makes me forget about all my problems, and I can be myself around him, and I know that he loves me for that. He’s so much more than what my mom’s typical stereotype for guys are; I just wish she could see that.
The day that I told my mom that I had a boyfriend; she lost all trust in me. I clearly remember one day that she told me; she said “The more you tell me, the more I’ll trust you.” I felt horrible for keeping such a big secret from her, so I told her, hoping that she would trust me more. What do I get in return? Her calling my cell phone a thousand times a day, her calling my friends parents to see if I’m actually where I told my mom I would be, her questioning my friends to see if what I told her was actually true. This is what I get. And quite frankly, I’m embarrassed by her. I’m already embarrassed enough by my disgusting father, I thought my mom would actually be somewhat different, but I was wrong. I’m embarrassed both ways, and I don’t know what to do with my life.
The other day, I went out to the mall with my friends, Alexis, Duylam and Pin Pin. It just so happens that Pin calls my house to ask where I am. She didn’t know that I had already left to go pick her up. She told my mom some mumbo jumbo, and my mom had to ******** things over. I called my mom in the car, and she just starts yelling at me. She has to talk to all my friends, and even talk to my sister. My sister is in the ******** car WITH me, so where the ******** do you think I’m going, or even DOING? This is not what I call trust. And then afterwards, she calls my friends mother. To confirm that what I said I was going to do was actually true. Do you know how horrible I feel? I feel like she just doesn’t trust me at all, and I’ve gotten myself into this.
The only reason why I rebel so much is because she keeps me trapped all the time. So what the hell am I supposed to do? Just sit there and have no life ? Hell no, I’m way more than that. I just don’t even know what to do anymore. I can’t go anywhere without fearing that my mom will come out of nowhere to check on me, see what I’m doing, who I’m with. I can never enjoy time out with my friends anymore, because my moms too damn in my life. She wonders why I don’t talk to her anymore, sit with her in the living room, well mom, you should really know that yourself. Look what you do to me, look at how you treat me, and give me a good reason at why I’d want to spend time with you ? I don’t need to be associated around people like you. I don’t agree with your standards, I don’t agree with you, and I don’t want to be around you, sorry mom. I still love you, but if you don’t change, then I can’t be how I was around anymore. I’ve changed so much, and yet, you’ve changed for the worse. She told me that I needed to get my head together and do well in school. Now-a-days, I study every day, just so I can live up to my mother’s standards. And I’m proud to say that I’m doing well in school, and my mom doesn’t recognize that.
This all always relates to my sister in some way. My mom thinks my sister is the “good girl”. I don’t know WHY. She’s more badass than I am. When my sister goes out, my mom never blows up her cell phone, she calls her once to ask when she’s coming home. She calls me to check where I am, who I’m with, when I’m coming home, and other thousands of questions. I can’t stand it anymore. I’m done. I just want to have a normal life, without questions, without accusations, without being compared to everyone in the world. I’m sick and tired of it. I go through enough at home, and I don’t want home problems to follow me in my social life. Mom, I still want you in my life. I want to be able to talk to you, I want to able to have fun with you, laugh with you, do things with you, but if you always keep me locked up, I won’t be able to do anything with my life. Just let me live. Stop worrying, stop calling, stop trying to make amends with me, it won’t be possible unless you change. I’ve already changed, now it’s up to you.
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