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For all my nay-saying of Gaia's longevity, it's been a pretty resilient little site.

I've been accused, rightfully so, of always looking back. It's nice to have this time capsule. I'd like to export the journals, but doing so by hand seems daunting and not really worth it. I know it's worth it, though, because I keep coming back.

Translating, harboring, enveloping, resurrecting, entombing, appreciating. I keep coming back. I don't know if I'll stop coming back and that fills me with a kind of anxiety. I don't want to constantly keep revisiting a past that's so divorced from the present, but

I don't want to forget either, ya know? It'd be nice to be able to relegate this space to an archive, but I feel like a ghost with unfinished business.

Transcribing a heretic's echoes, recalling how to escape anguish. I keep remember what it was like and that does make it harder to see it for what it is. In most arenas of life, I'm not so susceptible to nostalgia. My experiential memory is really quite poor. Which is good! It makes getting over things pretty easy in a general sense, but this place has me anchored. Pinned down. Exhausted. I think I worry about being unmoored more than being pulled back. If I didn't foolishly record so much of my past, my youth here, where would I return?

I might be an even trade to never be traumatized if it means always wanting to return to a recorded to past to better orient myself in the future. I don't know, though. I don't know if I want to move on from this space because we're supposed to outgrow childish things or because I genuinely feel bad about it. I feel bad when getting read for filth about looking and going back, but I don't know if I feel bad about the act. It's not like there's a version of me out there not

Maybe I really should extract these entries, keep them elsewhere, print them out, and just start writing things down. I'd have them without having to be here.

I know I'll keep writing and it'll probably be here, or my phone's Note app, if I don't find somewhere else to write.