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Saturday night. Just your ordinary Saturday night. Nothing unusual about this Saturday night, oh no sir. That is of course, the case, if you're managing to overlook...
...
"WHAT?", I hear you scream. I'm just jokin', it is an ordinary Saturday night. I don't even know why I'm writing about it. Seeing as it's actually Friday morning.
Yes, Friday morning. And, you might recall, we're missing an old lady from a previous tale involving Kerone - mankinds soon to be saviour. "A small giraffe?!" you cry. Well, yes. All will become clear in time. Now this old lady, you might also recall, was clothed in sheepskin rugs and smelt faintly of Kerosene. Here, we will learn why.
Her name was Lola, she was a showgirl. With yellow feathers in her hair and a dress cut down to there. I jest of course. Her name was in fact Derek. Never popular through her years of education, she would retreat to her treehouse every night where rituals of Barbie doll worship would take place. Derek would gather up red apples (only red, never green. Nobody knew why. But then, nobody knew why there was a female called Derek alive in this world performing rituals for Barbie dolls) and steal marker pens from her fathers stash (below the kitchen sink, on top of the box containg many a magazine of midget porn). Once she had colleted copious amounts of both red apples and marker pens she would hide them away for her ritauls.
These rituals became the very definition of the word 'insane', until some egit decided to assign a real meaning to the word. However, this is neither here nor there. Derek would draw faces on the red apples she had gathered. And never could two faces she drew be alike. After having drawn a face on each apple she had collected, she would stick four marker pens into each apple to form two arms and two legs. If she fell short of marker pens, she would have to eat the remaining apple and marker pens. This was her rule. And is the reason behind her current fashion sense comprising of the dead skins of her lovers. Yes, lovers. She had many a fling with the sheep of her homeland. But again, this is neither here nor there.
Once each red apple she had collected bore a face and four limbs, she would drive over each in turn as an offering to her great Barbie godess. I realise you must be thinking, "But she's so young? How can she drive?" But if you're thinking that instead of "What the hell are you on about here Ben", I think you've been eating too many marker pens.
It was also her rule that on the eve of each full moon, she was required to drink 2.67 litres of kerosene to cleanse the yeast infections she believed her godess cursed her with (to ensure Derek would drink 2.67 litres of kerosene, obviously, before you ask).
And now you all understand why Derek wears sheepskin rugs while smelling faintly of kerosene. The fact you wasted 5 minutes of your life does not concern me, you chose to read.
 Karasuka · Fri Apr 18, 2008 @ 06:56am · 0 Comments |
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Kerone was a giraffe. ‘An ordinary giraffe?’, I hear you ask, ‘because that would be rather dull wouldn’t it Ben?’. I agree. It would be rather dull. But Kerone is no ordinary, run of the mill, giraffe. Oh no. Kerone is miniature. Very cute, yes yes. He also has little cute wings that grant him the power of flight.
Kerone manages to get himself mixed up in many shenanigans during the course of any given week. I will explain to you now what happened the Tuesday before last, the eve of his best friend’s eye test (this is of no importance to the story).
Kerones alarm sounded at 9:34am. An odd time, yes. Yet you’re overlooking the fact that Kerone is a giraffe. Not only would he have no use for alarms, the lack of fingers and thumbs would make it near impossible for him to use an alarm effectively. Although, this may explain why the alarm sounded at such an odd time, it might have been the closest time he could reach to when he needed to be up. Who knows? Unless it was an alarm made for the specific use of miniature giraffes, but who I ask would take time out of their life to build such a machine when there would be limited use for such a device? I digress, back to the story.
Kerone departed his residence at 10:22am, having done nothing since his alarm went off (laying waste to the theory of him setting his alarm at the closest time he could manage to the time he actually needed I guess), he thought he should get out into the fresh air.
As his wings flittered, he overheard the musings of a demented old woman. She was clothed in what seemed to be sheepskin rugs and smelt faintly of kerosene. Kerone negotiated around several falling leaves (a notorious mini giraffe killer, I’ll have you know) and headed towards her.
For some unknown reason the demented old hag disappeared, and left behind a herd of grazing cattle. Kerone decided to have some fun, so he hopped from one to another, until he reached the last one (who was infact sporting a lime green sombrero and a walking stick made from oak). Kerone knocked the walking stick from the cows grip, causing the fat beast to crash on the grassy surface. Upon hearing the uproar from the fallen cow, the rest of the cattle chased Kerone for miles. However, Kerone was able to fly. Fly right over the cliff face and hover with glee as he watched several dense animals crash through the roof of an abattoir below (conveniently placed for the event of cliff exploring cows).
Having provided extra meat for the mincing industry, Kerone believed his work for the day was complete. He returned home and made carrot and coriander soup for his dinner.
Karasuka · Thu Apr 17, 2008 @ 03:33am · 0 Comments |
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