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I just can't understand why... |
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There have been many things in the past months that have been knocking me down. Deaths, arguments, over busy stress, internship rejection, bills, etc etc. But for the past 4-6 months the one that has hit me the hardest is my mother.
Sometime ago she made friend with some of my brothers friends (she's 46, they're MY age early 20's). Normally I'd have nothing against the people, and usually I'd never try to claim that I was better then anyone else. But I really just can't understand WHY my mother chooses them over me? I've always been a great student, a very well behaved kid, true I might be a little antisocial, but I was always the first to help her if she asked, and I love doing stuff with her. I've got a job, I go to school.. They range from jobless/transiant part time job workers, the one she's closest to has been to prison (true it was a sucky charge, but none the less.. ), and pretty much all they do is come over here and get drunk. Sometimes it's every night a week. Sometimes I'm luckier and it's only 2-3 times a week.
She doesn't spend any time with me anymore, claiming that I'm always gone or 'upstairs'. I'll ask her to watch a movie when I get home and she'll claim she's tired. Amazing how she can turn around and stay up until 2 am 'talking' and drinking with them. Not to mention my mom is a MEAN drunk, so alot of times by the time I get home from work she's so buzzed that if I try to say anything at all I get yelled at and treated like I'm a heartless b***h.
I don't know if she's screwing one of them (a guy who graduated with me and just yesterday was BRAGGING about how he missed like 45 days of school his senior year because of skipping), but it seems likely considering the fact that he follows her like a puppy and is always hear. Not to mention how often they sleep in her room, with the door locked. It's upseting that she'd sleep with a guy my age, more so that she thinks I'm so ******** stupid that I wouldn't realize. Not to mention she DOES have a boyfriend.
Part of me is worried she's having a midlife crisis, going through some hormonal menopausal freak out and that I should help her. Try and save her from ******** up her life (because not going to work because you're hung over all the time really isn't good in the long run, right? Not to mention the potential problems down the line if she IS screwing the young guy). But then she just does these things over and over again that shove me further and further away.
Last night for instance, I get home and sit down to eat. Not even 10 minutes pass and I get a call from her boyfriend. He's been trying to call her all day and she won't answer. He's obviously worried to death about her, it's almost 10pm.
So I ask everyone I can, my brother starts calling people, noone knows where the hell she is, or where she even planned to be. It's 10:30, we're freaking out, I finally decide to drive out to 'his' house. Well of course, there they are, I'm obviously upset.
She claims they were fishing (They had poles, so who knows, they could have been. I somehow doubt you fish at 10 at ******** night though. Not to mention the bullshit "oh my phone doesn't work out there". Even if they WERE fishing it stings me more then I can even explain that she doesn't do s**t with me, but she can take out 5 hours of her day to go fishing with him). I tell her that noone knew where she was, how would feel if it were me or Kenny nowhere to be found (well knowing the answer, because she calls my phone worried if I'm not home from work by 10) and I get an eyeroll. A look like "b***h, mind your own business".
I'm just done. I don't know what to do. I just want to be gone and leave, since it's obvious she's chossen them over me. It hurts that she has, it hurts everyday that those ******** losers are more special and more deserving of her time then me. But then she's my mom. If something is wrong.. if she needs help. I'd never forgive myself if I abandoned her.
What do I do? Every attempt to talk has gone unwell. I can't even look at her today. I just don't know anymore. I don't understand.
 Iris_virus · Wed Apr 23, 2008 @ 06:39pm · 2 Comments |
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Soa list of gods and quests |
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In hopes of being helpful and having an updated list of Gods and God concepts I've compiled an extensive list. If you have a god you've gotten in the Shadows of Africa shop, or one you're questing for drop me a comment and I'll add your god on as well. :3
Current Gods
Finar-si - Goddess of Change (Mila Farrell)
Hestia - Goddess of the Birds (Mila Farrell)
Kesara - Goddess of Fire (Naita)
Dathcharu'kai - God of Chaos (Safaia)
Dih-ji - God of Hope (Arafel)
Mau-ri - God of Time (Xally)
Mrost - God of War (Baneful)
Tanaka - God of Conflict (Amon Larethian)
Seitaru'kai - Goddess of Justice (Meepfur)
Rihn-yi - Goddess of the Hunt (Avelena)
Kita'mauti - Goddess of Shadows (Naita)
Mama Bwawa - Goddess of Swamps (Meepfur)
Mdhamana'kinyamkela - Goddess of the Wind (Safaia)
Mo'onasi - Goddess of Love (Safaia)
Khari - Goddess of Dreams (Xaki)
Baku - God of Nightmares (Kolina)
Ushaufu - God of Deception (Dark Fire Angel)
Yemaya - Goddess of Oceans (Sirenz)
Kazi'Malaiki - God of the Arts (Remove)
Athrun - God of Loneliness (neokitsune)
Mkosaji'kosa - Goddess of Sin (Getsurei)
Anansi - God of Trickery (Ryugen)
Siasa'Busara - Goddess of Wisdom (Vashtya)
Radhi-nuru - God of the Sun (Aris Ravenstar)
Eir - Goddess of White Magic (Chemicalstar)
Kweupe - God of the Sky (Felinxis)
Kiva - Goddess of Unity (Tahja Estes)
Bahari'nswi - God of Fish (Masamune)
Limbuko - God of Pleasure (Iris_Virus)
Wingu'anuru - God of Colors (Archnasa)
Mtima'safi - Goddess of Souls (Ecavi)
Griffith - God of Balance (Amon Larethian)
Audilifu - Goddess of Truth (Dark Fire Angel)
Ameh - Goddess of Healing (Mimsey)
Chamchela - Goddess of Tornadoes (Tahja Estes)
Mevudevunde - God of Clouds (Ary Keeyara)
Angavu'nyota - Goddess of Loyalty (Felinxis)
Teuli'ukilia - Goddess of Sacrifice (Tahja Estes)
Rokopelli - Goddess of Confusion (Kimaria)
Bathsheba - Goddess of Duty (Ary Keeyara)
Lewatlê kgangwa - Goddess of the Drowned (Swampieestar)
Ukali - God of Strength (Daimyn)
Afa'kivuli - God of the Moon (Aris Ravenstar)
K'Anatak - God of Reflection (DragonsRage24)
Ryu'Rage - God of Rage (DragonsRage24)
Zimran - Goddess of Purity (Tablue)
Barasi'nadhara - God of Impetuosity (TormentedAngie)
Boma'burudi - Goddess of Minerals (Tisiphone)
Muhali - Goddess of Irrationality (Dark Fire Angel)
Koya - Goddess of the Past (Tamiko-chan)
Corellon - God of Nature (Amon Larethian)
Uhamisho - God of Memories (TrinityCowgirl)
Tamu'dhihaka - God of Water (Meepfur)
Ukatazaji - God of Denial (Kisoni)
Sanaa - Goddess of Crafting (Bluefire Dragonz)
Jaddis - God of Famine (Syrius Lionwing)
Nix'Annada - Goddess of Lightning (DragonsRage24)
Kituko - Goddess of Fear (Safaia)
Katana'k - God of Pride (DragonsRage24)
Kalawai - Goddess of Rivers (Gelfin)
Ku'i Ku'oko'a - Goddess of Liberty (chirigami)
Ekundu Maji - God of Hurricanes (Kuroseishin)
Amisha - Goddess of Faith (MazokuPS)
Aharu'kai - Goddess of Theives (Meepfur)
Kimbilio - God of Refugees (Safaia)
Kenzie - Goddess of Obedience (Kizamaji)
Abayomi - Goddess of Festivals (Shia-san)
Ubuge - Goddess of Greed (Syrius Lionwing)
Kasa'fa Moyo - God of Heartlessness (Lilwere)
Sifuri - Goddess of the Nothingness (Chibizoo)
??? - Goddess of Conquest (???)
??? - God of Warriors (???)
Laone - God of Orphans (Baneful)
Mwokoti - Goddess of the Lost (Noyama)
Ardhi-haia - Goddess of Earth (Meepfur)
Xiuxiu - Goddess of Sorcery (Tablue)
Mohabla - Goddess of the Desert (Crowfoot)
Jamala'peponi - God of Virtue (Nerpin)
Sheska - Goddess of Snow (Artsywolven)
Daemonascus - God of Arrogance (DragonsRage24)
Aevumorsa - Goddess of Energy (Baneful)
Gaius - God of Guilt (Mimsey)
Kimeta - Goddess of Fireflies (Tristan Thorne)
Raiden - God of Thunder (wooga paes)
Primitus - God of Leadership (NovaCracker)
Bunika'Mwenzi - Goddess of Imagination (Lightning Shadow X)
Bast - Goddess of Night (Ameh)
Matambo - God of Riddles (Naita)
Zururuka - God of Wanderlust (Zee Oddwyn)
Tarik - God of Ice (iPao v2)
Juuku - God of Surf (X-Ronso-X)
Roho'eusi - God of Darkness (Dark Fire Angel)
Samsara - God of Karma (Kisoni)
??? - God of Day (???)
??? - Goddess of the Summer Solstice (???)
??? - God of Sleep (???)
??? - Goddess of the Lunar Eclipse (???)
??? - Goddess of the Solar Eclipse (???)
??? - God of Comets (???)
??? - God of Sea Turtles (X-Ronso-X)
??? - Goddess of Volcanoes (X-Ronso-X)
Rio - God of Flight (Tahja Estes)
??? - Goddess of Charity (Amy D)
??? - Goddess of Plague (Mimsey)
??? - God of Fairy Tales (Eff Em)
??? - Goddess of Stars (Meryt-Ryre)
??? - God of the Undead (Tristan Thorne)
Sor'en'na'Kai'i - Goddess of Vengeance (Meepfur)
Airion - God of Patience (Tablue)
Moraith - Goddess of Impatience (Amon Larethian)
??? - God of Peace (Thalion)
??? - Goddess of the Home (Quirm)
Tobi - God of Guards (Kizamaji)
??? - Goddess of Pets
Palahala - God of Prey (Syrius L)
??? - God of Predators (Ecavi)
??? - Goddess of Conformity
??? - Goddess of 5 Senses (tuesday)
??? - Goddess of Rain (Squid)
??? - Goddess of Beauty (Taejira)
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gods being quested for
Goddess of Twilight - Final Crucible
God of Mystery - Ipod
Goddess of Communication - Reeshie
God of Mischief - Keiko
God of Peace - Thalion
God of Gluttony - Midnight Blaze
Goddess of Diversity - Andrani
Goddess of Reptiles - Athear
God of Speed - Air Song
Goddess of Winter - FallenMercury
Goddess of Song - REmove
God of Bugs - Vampire Penguin
Goddess of Beauty - Taejira
Goddess of Voodoo - Baneful
Goddess of Harvest - Ivory
Goddess of Forgiveness - Seisei
Goddess of Dance - Risth
God of Fools - Jestari
Goddess of Fertility/birth - Shinzick
Goddess of Drought - Remove
God of Lunar Cycles - Kaytla
God of Monsters - Lightning Shadow X
Goddess of Traitors - Noyama
Goddess of Wildness - FMD
God of Martyrs - Paramekia
God of Pollution - Snookie
God of Traditions - Shia-san
God of Reincarnation - Felyn
God of the Jungle - Twiddle
Goddess of the Desert - Crowfoot
God of Snakes - Celeste
Goddess of the Cosmos - Celeste / Gelfin
Goddess of Meditation - Konalou
God of Guardians - Pach
Goddess of Rain - Zoe
God of Reality - Xaki
God of Sweets - Lady Kit
God of Seasons/Feathers - PGM
Goddess of Comfort - Lovely Guardian
Goddess of Friendship - Twiddle?
Goddess of Charity - Amy D
Goddess of the Abyss - Masa
Goddess of Piracy - Swampiestar
Goddess of Autumn - Tristan
Goddess of Flowers - Iris
God of Connections - Phifer
Goddess of Paths - Skyefenyx
God of the Afterlife - n0cturne
Goddess of Humility - Evelyn
Goddess of Morale - Final C
Goddess of Gravity - lightwolf
Goddess of Inspiration - Silent Spy
Goddess of Remeberance - Lady Kit
Goddess of Phenomena - Guine
Goddess of spring - Dr Jelly
Goddess of Confinement - Ookami
God of Sound - tursi
God of Exaltation - Coronaviridae
Goddess of Insomnia - Mitra
God of Stealth - Wooga
Goddess of Volcanoes - Rei
Goddess of Revenge - Dragons
Goddess of Empthay - Kael
God of Savannah - edit
God of Libido - Kaytla
God of Flings - Lady Noz
God of choice - TS
Goddess of rain - Happy Squid
God of Nobility - Shiromaru
Goddess of Courage - Daim
God of Poisons - Xaki
God of Irony - Kinreii / underthered
God of failure - Tweekend
Goddess of the found - f**
Goddess of Heritage - kater
God of Laughter - Masa
Goddess of Guidence - Umeda
Goddess of Hate - Safaia
Goddess of Mothers - Split
Goddess of Heraldry - Reeshie
Goddess of Butterflies - Mamoru
Iris_virus · Tue Jan 16, 2007 @ 06:32pm · 35 Comments |
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 I miss you princess, and I always will. Quote: Today is my brother's birthdays. And seven Halloween's ago we bought him a kitten for his birthday. Seven years to the day we got her, we had to put her to sleep.
Sunday night the neighbor brought our cat to us, she'd been laying on the side of the road in the rain for who knows how long. We dried her up, and curled her up in pillows, and my mom stayed up with her for the night. From the seeming puncture wounds we figured she'd been attacked by an animal and had a leg dislocated we told her she'd be fine. Halloween morning we called the vet, but couldn't get an appointment until 2 pm. I laid with her for 7 hours, cupping her head in my hand, petting her chest to keep her comfy and lull her to sleep before 1 finaly came around and we took her to the doctor.
Turns out we were wrong. After asurring ourselves, my brother, and her that she'd be fine, we find out that she's broken her pelvis in three places (more then likely hit by another dumbass who feels it necessary to fly down country roads). We can get her surgery but the fact remains that she may never be able to hunt again, and she'd be stuck in the house for 8 weeks atleast. So amidst a shower of tears we decided to put her down. It rained all day. I had a migraine for the rest of the day but still had to take my brother 'birthday shopping'. Happy birthday. Happy Halloween.
Tenshi was so much like me. A princess in her own mind, affectionate only when she wanted, strong, independent, a b***h even. But we loved every bit of it. The way she followed after to do chores, the way she'd catch us birds and mice everyday despite her lack of front claws and my mother's obvious dislike of finding them, they way she curled up beside us on cold nights, they way she whined to go outside everyday (rain or shine), even how she'd hide under beds and attack your feet when you walked by.
I miss her so much it's not even funny and for now I don't know if I can feel better. Or even if I want to feel better again.
Iris_virus · Wed Nov 02, 2005 @ 06:31pm · 10 Comments |
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Roleplay (verb)- To assume or act out a particular role.
As days go on and I watch others more and more I feel my love for roleplaying dwindling deep inside me. I recall back in the day when I used to play in a little place called Neopets. I met some wonderful friends (some of which I still talk to.. or happen upon in Gaia and deviant) and I had some wonderful times playing with my pets.. Molding lives with these other players. Until the 'one up' game began.
It's almost inevitable, but someone will always try to one up another. My character has been through more. My character is stronger then yours, no matter what. My character is part demon/son of lucifer/part elf/etc etc. The list is almost endless and no matter what you'll find people who find it necessary to be the best.. to stand in the brightest light. New rpers.. I understand.. but it really brings woe to my soul when a veteran rper does the same.
Needless to say the game stopped my rping on Neopets. I moved to Gaia however, and was happy for along while.. until something else came up....
Simply by definition it should be expected that 'SOME' people are going to rp relationships and love. But it's the continual trend of 'rping just to find a partner for your character' that drives the next spike into my rping joys. Almost anywhere you look you can find examples of it.. and I think some people truely think that 'love' is the only story worth telling...
What it all really boils down to is really quite simple. In my eyes roleplaying is a game of your own creation. To start from nearly scratch and build ones way up through experiences. When I create a character, I don't think ahead "Gee.. I'd really like them to be like ______" or "It'd be really cute if they fell in love with ____" and then go and try to mold my rping to fit that. What possible fun could that be!? How does it fall even loosely into realism.
I strive (both subconciously and conciously) when I play to BE the character.. Not mold the character.. Not create the character... but do exactly as the definition of the word states.. and 'take on and assume the character'. To take the basic knowledge of the character and react as they would, no matter what it does to my plans.. no matter how I like it. I let experience age and mold my character just as a person in real life is molded.
Others however seem to take joy in molding their characters. Deciding such and such will happen and then leading it to happen... and I just can't play with those people anymore.. It's not fun. It's even insulting... to my time and energy to try and play with someone when nothing I can do can have any signifigant effect on them.
Perhaps I'm being petty and silly. Perhaps because I'm happy to take on secondary/side kick roles I just don't understand the need that some people feel to place such importance on their characters.
Reguardless, the tics continue to multiply through the breedables as I play, and keep digging further and further into me. And instead of having fun playing with lots of people, I find myself begrudgingly playing parts that don't matter.. or hiding from rp at all just because I'd rather not have fun.. then get upset and have to rant to my friend again on how much these things bother me.
But I guess that's it. Take it or leave it. <3
Iris_virus · Thu May 19, 2005 @ 07:34am · 14 Comments |
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