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man I am such a b***h. I'm never really happy (because shcool, failure, cleaning, sewing projects, being ugly/fat) is always on my mind. people are always on my mind, people I know i shouldnt be thinking about. People I need to get rid of.

i want concrete. im not a professional, not at anything. not at any one single, even the most minute thing. Ive been trying really hard at shcool lateley. Ive not had major conflicts with subject of studies, just... balance. last week I had to prefect my self for a few tests all to just have a hard a** time in anotomy. luckily everyone was having an extremely hard time remebering what sections of the brain and spianl cord did for the cns and how the specific functions worked togher. our teacher let students write a note card. I think i got a b. i hope i got a b. MUST HAVE B..... errr but lets step off shcool. i need to relax.

concrete. I have one concrete person there. he is faulted and slow. i love him so much (sometimes) when im in a bad mood i forget everything. I become major b***h. my cadets of insults and impatiens finish the job and basically i conquor, leaving behind such bad things. after i get lost i forget what i have done until i come around again to listen about the hard fealings and things i had not realized. Ive become so used to being a b***h i hadnt even realized that person could leave if he liked. and after that i really dont have good freinds.

i need to finish my work. when im in college ill either find no one good enought to talk to me and recede to my private things ( x box, sewing, drawing, reading <3) Hopefully there will be some people good enough to socalize with me, i want to have a good balance. this break im getting my s**t togher and figureing out where im gonna go. after long delibrations over profession i have come out as concrete undecided. luckily thats allowed. i will do a 2 year school and think long and hard about the .... begining of my adult life ( nooooo!)

but yes. this is all out. im purged. out of my head on paper out of my mind i can relax. ill be fine fine fine. i need to get my preprations togher and gear up for the things im thinking of doing. w/o this under my feet i can prepair and things will be as i want.

purge perfect.

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