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Ah, the Memories and the Present |
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So, it's been forever and a year since I've written my last journal entry. Just as I had hoped, going back and reading them provides me with so much information. I can truly see how much I've grown. That relationship, the one I wrote about previously, did in fact end. And my heart was indeed broken. So very much. It was the end of the world for me. I rebounded to a less than worthy man, who I will describe minimally as a burden to society. I'm in college now. Who'd have guessed it would come so quickly. There has been a lot that has happened. I'm not on Anti-Depressants, which are making a world of difference in my life. I am actually happy. I haven't been happy since I was a young child. It's amazing. I can actually see the world as it is and enjoy it fully, without being a different person. I am now dating my best friend, Chad. We've known each other since my sophomore year of high school. We've stayed friend all this time. We dated once, but it just didn't work. Mostly because we were young and had other things to worry about. But we stayed the best of friends after that. And after much drama, the summer of my Sophomore year of College, we began to date. And, I can say clearly, with no doubt in my mind that this is the last relationship I will ever be in. He is clearly the one. I never knew that the feelings I had for him were love. I just didn't really understand. I just knew he was the first person I looked forward to seeing after a long trip. He was the first person I went to for advice, help, anything really. But one day, as I was contemplating my decisions in life I realized, he was someone I wanted to be in my life forever. He was the person that I could not get enough time with, even if we were together for 24 hours straight. I realized that I loved him. And it terrified me. Then he told me that he wanted to date again. And I got scared. So I did what I do best, I fled and I found someone else. I dated another. It was the wrong decision. I do not regret it. I learned a lot from that relationship. But after that I started dating Chad, and it has been the best decision I've made in my life, besides living. I hope that we will get married. I hope that we will have children. I hope that we will live our lives together, forever. Since I've started dating him, there have been no others able to match him. I've had only fleeting thoughts of what it would be like to date another, but they never amount to him. Chad is the one. I know it. I feel it. I am quitting college this year. I cannot take being so far from home anymore. I cannot stand the separation. The work is too stressful, my scholarships have run out and I don't even know if I want to be an art major anymore. I want to become a Child Counselor or a Social Worker. We'll see how it goes. I want to go back to college, but if I get a good, long term job that pays well, then why go back and go into debt? Enough of that, though. I find myself with the recent desires to have children. I want a child so damn bad. It's almost unreasonable. Haha. I'm not crazy about it. I'm willing to wait. Mostly because I am not okay with having a child if I do not have the means to support him/her. But I would like to have one as soon as possible. I hope Chad is okay with that. xd That has been my recent wish. I've taken to just having many fish to take care of, because I just have that need to take care of something. There were a lot of "takes" in that sentence. I apologize. My grammar and spelling while writing one of these journals is often 10x worse than in real life, mostly because I don't care as much. But believe me when I say I am fire at writing. It's one thing I can actually brag about. Well, that's actually all I wanted to say. Stupid journal. So useless. Well, by for now. Have hope~~
Vheme Audrvrador · Wed Apr 17, 2013 @ 12:07am · 0 Comments |
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My hopes were not fulfilled. The time came and it passed and all that came was an unwelcome surprise that was not what I had hoped or expected. It was nothing big, yet nothing small. It was a mortal's problem though. I find myself becoming very vexed at the situation. Maybe I'm doing enough to create the change I want to see so bad. I keep thinking, maybe I'm straying away. Maybe I'm becoming too attatched. Or maybe I'm just becoming blind to what I once saw. I'm thinking that maybe I just have to abandon it. By 'it' I mean everything that I've set up. If I do though, I worry that the people around me will see the change...no...wait...I KNOW they'll see the change. They'll think something wrong...depression...insanity... It IS just that, in a way...yet something more. Sometimes I wonder...I wonder... I just don't know what to think. I've said it before, but I just can't seem to figure it out. What I think...Is it real??? Is it something I'm supposed to be thinking??? Or am I really crazy??? If I were crazy though, wouldn't I be denying it, since crazy people don't think they're crazy??? Was I born in the wrong time??? Am I reincarnated??? I don't understad. Why??? Why do I think and see these things??? That's always the question though, isn't it? Why... the question that can never be answered. It just keeps going. The answer to one Why just leads to another. I'm afraid of the unknown, you know? So, if I have to wait until I die to get my answers... I don't think I could handle it. Death scares me...no...not death, the fact that what comes after death is unknown. I don't know... I've come to the resolve, with high hopes, higher than any other hopes I've ever held, that maybe next year, just maybe, it will hold the changes I want. If not then, maybe the year after, but after that, I don't know...I think I will be forced to abandon hope. Hope...the only thing that remains stable in my life...the word in which I live by. If I were forced to abandon that, what else would I have to live for??? Life is a journey to the grave... life fears death but lives only to die... What's the purpose??? I want to remembered after I die, but I know...I know in my heart, if the changes do not occur, I will be forgotten...and I fear being forgotten. I don't know what to do... I wish I could find the others like me...I know there are others like me...there has to be. I'm not emo, or goth, or anything like that...I'm just....in turnmoil, I guess. I really don't know. Maybe... just maybe...if I can spread my story, as is my hope, the others will find me. They'll see the hidden message..they'll have to...but somehow I think...I think I'll never make it that far. Listen to me lamenting and blathering on...It gets me nowhere, yet, it makes me feel better, in a way. Words are my friends. With words I can do much. Words do not betray me, harass me, make fun of me, judge me, they just reflect me, the true me. Well, I should get going. It's not like anyone is reading this anyway. Just me and my mind, and the ones inside my mind. My forever loyal and faithful friends. Always by my sides. We will probably be the only ones to see these words. But that is okay. Becuase maybe, just maybe, in the future, someone will stumble upon this message and maybe, just maybe, I will be remembered. Maybe...
Vheme Audrvrador · Thu Nov 20, 2008 @ 02:37am · 0 Comments |
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It is time...for what, I know not. What I do know is that the darkness I have always known to follow me, to haunt my very steps is coming closer. The loniless I've tried to so hard to embrace as my friend, but at the same time, abandon, is enveloping me. I see things a way most people don't. I'm called a pessimist, but when surrounded by those who's thoughts are sad I am called an optimist. I am torn between two identies. Who I am, and who I think I am. I still don't know which is which. I blame it on my zodiac, decided by the month I was born. October 16, the day of my birth, giving me the zodiac of Libra the scales. I'm always at war with myself, for the scales are hard to balance. I've always asked myself the question 'who am I?' I'm sure everyone has asked themselves that question at least once in their life. Finally I decided to abandon that question, I just decided to go with what my mind's first reaction was. I don't look in mirrors as much as some people do. Every time I do, I see myself and think "Is this who I am? Am I really this being that I see?" I don't understand how the things in my mind match the appearance that I inhabit. I've been waiting for the day where my answers will be answered, suffering bouts of lonliness, sadness and hatred and anger at random times. Some people would say I'm still suffering from short bouts of depression from the death of my mother and uncle, but that's not it, not at all. I have the feeling that the time where I'll finally be able to get some answers is coming. This are going strangely as of late. It's all changing and things are getting worse, and they always say that things will get worse before they get better. I don't know what to expect. I know what I want to happen, but whether or not those things will happen is beyond me. I just hope something happens so that I'm less confused. If nothing happens I'll be lost. I've been waiting nearly all my life, to have everything just drift away...it's like a superhero finally killing his nemisis. If there is no evil to fight what purpose do you serve? There's nothing to do but abandon all thoughts and dreams you had before and slowly slip into the repetitive life of a common mortal. Some people are meant to change the world, others are meant to help those meant to change the world succeed, there are the ones who are meant to create obsticles for those meant to change the world to make their journey harder and then there are those who are meant to standby and watch as others play out their duties, meant to do nothing but acknowledge others and make them feel good, but do nothing special themselves. I don't want to be meant to watch, I want to be someone that matters, and I've tried to matter. I've succeeded in a few cases, but I'm just not happy. I believe that I've never been happy. If it comes and things do change, even to the slightest to what I want, I believe I'll have a chance to be actually happy. I've talked for too long about to much that doesn't matter to anyone but me, or maybe the others like me that I've yet to find. I'll just have to wait a little while longer to see. Hope. Have Hope. It's the only thing you can rely on; hope.
Vheme Audrvrador · Sun Sep 28, 2008 @ 06:47am · 0 Comments |
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The last journal entry I had on here was at the beginning of the school year, and here I am writing an entry at the end of the school year. School wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. In fact many things have happened. I'll see if I can remember them in order. After I made my pinata of Janos in art I made some new friends; one is psyco but is the coolest looser you will ever meet even though he doesn't make the wisest decisions and the other is a friend with the psyco she is probably the fourth coolest looser you will ever meet. My new friends Lev and Mel (Nicknames) are perverted, but it definately makes art class funny. I also met this kickass seventh grader who plays D&D, loves Naruto as is just flat out awesome. I ended up splitting my group up because a couple of the misfit group members threw a hissy fit cuz someone took their seats at the lunch table, so I kicked them off exile island xd I act like a major retart at school so when time came to vote for next years freshman president my thought it would be funny if I became a candidate. My competor was a b***h who nobody like, and she almost cried when she found out I beat her in the election. Serves her right. Let's see, OH! How could I almost forget?! I got Blood Omen Legacy of Kain and Legacy of Kain Defiance this year!!!! xd biggrin whee I was soooooo happy. I beat Defiance, but I recently got Blood Omen and haven't gotten to play it much. I also got a new Dragonology book which is a story based on the Dragonology books. Let's see....hm....I have a feeling I"m forgetting something important.... question Oh yeah, our fat a** band teacher got pink slipped and we're going to have Mr. Hay, who's really cool, as our band teacher next year. He's letting us play Pirates of the Carribean music. pirate Sweet huh? wink Too bad I'm not the best percussionist. Oh well, I'll live. I'm just doing Marching band to get out of the accursed Gym class. I hate gym. Boy, let's see what else is going on....I got in a "Fight" for the first time this year. It really wasn't a fight though, just a tussel, no hitting or anything, just a mess of juice. sweatdrop I found out my favorite teacher is going to become the pricipal of our rival school next year. I'll miss her, she was awesome. The ghost in my room has become more active, but I'm not complaining. I've gotten a little more used to George over the years, he still surprises me though. ninja Well, I gotta go. I probably won't be back till the beginning of the next school year. xp Oh well. Remember, keep those dragons safe! Oh yeah I just remembered, I've started playing a number of new games; Dragonfable, AdventureQuest, Timehunter and Darkthrone. Dragonfable is my favorite. AQ is alright. TH is a little dull and Darkthrone in my opinion sucks. Well, once again goodbye, farewell, and watch your back because you never know when your enemy could be near....
Vheme Audrvrador · Fri May 18, 2007 @ 01:35am · 0 Comments |
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Wow, it's been a long time since I've gotten on. eek Well, uh...what to talk about, what to talk about.........I GOT IT!!!!!!!!! I have fallen in love with the Legacy of Kain series. For those of you who don't know, the Legacy of Kain series is a series of Video game fro PS1, PS2, and I'm pretty sure XBox. It's all about vampires and vengeance and uncovering secrets. It has possibly the best Story line and Dialog I have ever heard for a video game. I have only played Soul Reaver 1 and 2 sad to say, which leaves 3 more games: Blood Omen, Blood Omen 2, and Defiance. If any one who reads this has played the Legacy of Kain series please do not hesitate to start a conversation with me about it. I love talking about that game. I am seriously obsessed with the Soul Reavers. I have over, approximately (been a while since I counted sweatdrop ) three hundred pictures from all the Legacy of Kain games, and I'm still collecting. I also have a Soul Reaver 2 screensaver. Oh, and I know almost all the dialog for Soul Reaver 2, and part of Soul Reaver. biggrin And also, since I've played the Soul Reavers alot of my art projects have been based off of them. I am currently making a pinata of Janos Audron, my favorite character. heart whee and I have made a glitter board picture of Raziel biggrin and for our next art project, which is a cardboard relief, I am going to make Kain with the Soul Reaver(The physical blade, not the wraith blade) blaugh So, yeah......Um......Remember to keep those Dragons safe!!!
Vheme Audrvrador · Wed Dec 13, 2006 @ 11:46pm · 0 Comments |
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