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Who am I you ask I shall tell you though my tale is sad |
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Who am I you ask? Who am I...if you must know then I shall tell my sad and frightening tale.
I am but a child, a child lost in the darkness for eternity with no light to be seen and no light to be found. I am the spawn that came from pure and utmost hatred, no I am not the devils child but I might as well have been for I was treated as such, unwanted, feared, and misunderstood. I am not a misguided goth as one might label me, I am not a wanna be vampire as others might presume, I am merely a child who feels the darkness is the only safety she has and so I bath myself in nothing but darkness, then I may venture into your world feeling safe and secure.
To see me you might think "she is an odd one, I wonder what her problem is." Well stranger, my problem is simple, it is you and anyone else who chooses to pass judgement upon my broke and lost soul. You do not know who I am therefore who are you to judge me on what you see; you did not walk in my shoes, you did not live through the beatings that should have killed you, you did not survive many attempts to end my miserable life, no you are sitting there, looked at me and judgeing me just because I am not you and I will never be you so walk on by if you wish, but do not speak about me as if you know me, as if you know the life I have lived.
My mother never wanted me, and my father was not fit. Together they created life, they brought to this world a child of pure unsaturated hatred and fear. I may look like I am afraid of nothing, but I assure you there is much I fear that it would take an eternity to speak the words to you so I guess you will have to ponder what my fears might be. I am not afraid of the dark for the dark is the only sanctuary I have it is the only place I feel safe...."why does she feel safe in the dark, when great dangers come from the darkness" perhaps these are the words you speak or think, well let me tell you why I find sanctuary in the darkness. Night was the only time I was free, neither mother nor father were awake or around to push me around, to call me names, to treat me like an unwanted virus that they cannot seem to get ride of. No the dark was where I was safe from the burning hands, and fists, and feet, of hatred and anger. In the dark I could dissapear and become anything that I wished, anything at all. If I wanted to fly from my home I could...in the dark. If I wanted to be as light and beautiful as a butterfly freshly born in the spring I could...in the dark.
I am afraid of the light, I am afraid of what I can see for then I know what will happen, in the light I can see everything and then I feel everything. Mother and Father fighting...I can hear that, mother and father speaking about me...I can hear that. Mother and Fathers iron fists...I can feel those...in the light. In the light I am not safe, I am a victim and I cannot escape....I cannot run away from the hatred and the anger....I must run, run and find the darkness wherever it might lie, in a closet...in a basement, in our dungeon oh so many days I spent down there, locked away like an unwanted animal, they thought it broke me, they thought it hurt me but it made me safe, it made me strong because then I had found my darkness...never did they know that when I was there...in our 'dungeon' I was safe and I was free to do as I pleased, little did they know that even when that key clicked and the door was forever closed I could still escape and be free...in the dark.
Do you think that you know me now...do you think this is all there is "that poor unfortunate soul, so alone, so afraid...so pathetic...get over it, live your life and forget your past" is that what you think, is that what you say....Hah, live my life and forget my past I have no past, I have no future all I have is right now, this moment, this one second of me time. My life cannot get better for I am still that frightened child who tries to hide in the shadows of her room, who tries to create a darkness so that she can escape the yelling in the other room...they know I can hear them, they know I understand their words that is why they are so loud, they want to break me, they want me to roll over and die but I cannot and I will not, for as long as I have the dark I am safe, I am secure and I am at peace.
I welcome death, for in death my world will finally be forever dark, the light will never again hurt my eyes or my mind, or my body. The light will not longer harbour the great horrors and dangers of my life, the light will fade and the dark will prosper, but I suppose it is not my time for if it was this cut, this bleeding cut right now, the one that throbbs so bad that it feels so good, this cut that is red...the color of life, this cut that as I sit here trying to tell you who I am though you still cannot see me....for it is dark...so very dark. Ah the darkness, my friend, and my fault you are all I need. Ah the release, all the pain pouring from this cut, running to the ground where it will soon be nothing more than a stain on the floor of my life, the darkness is inside my head now, so peaceful, so safe. But alas the darkness does not last for the pain has been locked inside again as the blood no longer pours from this once gaping wound...the stitches will remind me of that moment of peace, that single moment of utter sanctuary and security.
Who am I you ask? Who am I? I am the thing that lives inside of us all, I am the pain we all feel only my pain is forever there, it is never ending and forever growing, but in the dark there is no pain, in the dark there is peace and love, for I love the darkness and the darkness loves me, we are kindred souls and exist for one another, because of one another.
Do not walk by and say you know who I am from what you can see, do not see me as pathetic and do not tell me to get over it and gain a new life for this is still my life, mother and father exist inside of me for eternity now, even as I sit here on my own for the first time the memories haunt me and for that I am damned to forever seek the dark...where is mother and father now you might ask...I do not know where their physical being may be but I know that their metal and life energy is here, inside of me forever shouting at me, forever hurting me until the sun sets on the horizon, then their voices are silenced, until the sun rises again.
 Mistress_Vampire26 · Wed Jul 04, 2007 @ 09:27am · 1 Comments |
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