Wow... It seems so strange to look back at all I've said. Oh, the joyous days when I tried to make a band with my little friends in our youth...
It's so sad how everything turned out. Sometimes it makes me want to kill myself. I wish I could press the reset button on life and do it all differently... Oh well, regrets will never create change. They're just scars that weigh down on the soul. It's fine though, it's all fine...
I had a child back in 2013. Jan. 17th. A little girl named 'Amory', both to remind me of the band Emery and also of Amory Blaine from 'This Side of Paradise' by F. Scott Fitzgerald. The circumstances of her birth made me choose the name, but also the fact that it relates to love, and that is what I wish for her to have in her life. Love. Simply love.
I feel so bad about everything... The way I treated everyone... I did so many bad things to so many good people. I should have left Ivette alone. I should have left Carmen and Carlo alone. I should have just disappeared and the world would have been such a different place. I just wish they knew how sorry I was for everything... I just wish I could change it all... I don't know if these kinds of scars ever leave a person. At least some of them found happiness... Maybe... I wish I could say I've found peace after everything fell apart, but I haven't. Real life has a way of beating you when you're down...
Right now I'm okay, I guess. Things could have been worse. One day I hope I will be okay. I hope that I will be happy and that I won't have these nightmares. Oh, the nightmares, yea, they suck. I keep seeing them all in my dreams. When I wake up, everything runs through my mind in a repeat cycle at the crack of sunlight of every morning. I see it all happen, I relive different moments, and I feel all the pain as if it happened yesterday. It hurts. It hurts so much... I wonder if they are the same?
I wonder what Ivette thinks of when she wakes up? What about Carmen? Or Carlo? I'm just not sure... I hope that one day they can all forgive me. I hope that I can make up for it all somehow... I just can't forget though. It always follows me, every night, every morning, every single day. Rarely will I have an evening where I'm not haunted by it all. One day I'll be better... At least I hope so.
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The book of Winter Reaver
A place to store my current thoughts, memories, and such.
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Aftis Sinfel
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