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Never did it ever occur to me that people could make up lies like that!
Say something in moments of sympathy, and turn around and use it against you.
It amazes me...
And makes me wonder why I would believe anything.
I guess it's because i'm so desperate for it all to be real, that i don't want to think about it not being real.
And of course the assholes that know just how to push my buttons,
and send me into fits of rage and crying.
Just amazing.
Honestly, how can you spin lies like that and actually keep all of them up.
I believe that's impossible; you can't hold onto lies that long.
So some of it must be true...
If my emotions weren't so fragile, i would take more risks; do more of the things I want to do.
But it's so breakable... I'm afraid of injuring the fragile emotions that I'm burdened with.
Which is why that right there makes me not lovable; impossible for people to care about me.
I'm too much hassle; too much to keep up with.
No one understands me; i talk too fast, or I'm just uncomprehendable.
i don't want that...
But I tend to shut out everything,
and not let anyone get too close to me.
But I have let my guard down once...
And I think it got me somewhere; made me feel better
My emotions are hard to follow, and sometimes I mix them up.
I feel happiness when I should be sad; or the opposite.
Why doesn't everything fit together like it should...
The puzzle pieces are there, but none of the edges match, and even if they do, the picture is jumbled.
I cry so much I can't see what's in front of me..
And when I stand up, darkness takes over for a while, bringing me to the ground,
telling me to bow to it.
And I do... I fall, and I stay there for a while.
Not only to I stay, i feel like I belong there; like i belong on the floor like something forgotten.
I'm used to it... it doesn't really bother me...
But sometimes it does...
It bothers me that there's no one out there...
No one I can rely on that when I need them, i don't even have to ask, because they're already there.
Someone...
There are people like that in this world; i've met them, and gotten close to them.
Let them know how I feel, let them get close to me.
Cried in front of them, or even with them.
But illusions are what we can see, and the things we can't see are the real things.
There are somethings that when voiced make me want to die...
To let the darkness take over permanently...
And then there are the made up things in my mind,
they're like the voiced things, but I'm the one that said or imagined them,
and they have the same effects as the voiced ones.
Just as if it was real...
Only it's not.
It's rather imaginary, but sometimes the imaginary things find a way to make themselves real.
too many times i've witnessed that scenario.
Sometimes I just lay, and cry for no reason, and when it's over, i feel better.
I don't understand how anyone could love me; i'm too much of a mess.
I'm too... dark and depressing.
How anyone can live with that, i have yet to figure out.
Little voices whisper in my head it's time...
But it never actually happens.
sure, i've tried death, but it never works.
Some feeling, something, a thought of a person, stops me.
I don't know if it's a wishful feeling; wishing that the person would miss me, but it stops me.
Even my subconscious wants me dead.