Disclaimer: This isn't my work but I thought it was freaking hilarious. The site it is from is this:
http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/6692897/?qo=152&q=final+fantasy+7&qh=boost%3Apopular+age_sigma%3A24h+age_scale%3A5. Enjoy!
FF 7 Outtakes
Cg Opening
*Camera pans from stars to the dark streets of Midgar, where a flower girl steps out into the lights..... and falls flat on her face.*
Opening pt 2
*Segue from cg to game set, As the train pulls into the station, Cloud tumbles out of the top and lands nimbly on his feet.... that is until he loses his balance and falls slam onto his back, flailing and windmilling his arms in a panic*
Cloud: AAAAAH!! *THUDD*
Director: CUT!! Back up the train! Let's try it again..
Barret: Damn, man... You awright?
Cloud: *wheeze, wheeze GASP*
Confrontation in the church
*Scene in the church shortly after the whole fiasco with Reno and the SOLDIERs.*
Reno: And try not to step in the flow... *backpedals with his hands after eloquently tripping over his own feet and falling face first into the flowerbed* AAACKK!!
Director: CUT! Someone help him up please.
Reno: *gets up spitting dirt and flower petals while the soldiers are howling in the background* Glahh! Bleah! Ptui! God, that was terrible. *glares at the other men, still snickering at him* Oh,shut up! SHUT UP!
Director: C'mon, knock it off! We're losing our light here, let's try it again...
Aeris's House- scene with stepmother
Mrs. Gainsborough: Would you please weave here, tonight? Without telling Aeris...
Cloud: *starts to sputter, even though he really IS doing his best not to laugh* I would... but I'm really not into macrame' ma'am...
Mrs. Gainsborough: What? What did? *realizing she screwed up the line* Oh, shoot.
Director: CUT!
Materia shop-Right after Cloud gets the item for the man behind the counter.
*He hands over the item to the shop vendor and the man cracks a grin*
Materia Shop Vendor: Thanks, bud. I'm motivated now... *stops and just busts out laughing*
Director: *Throws up his hands* CUUUT!! What's the problem?
Materia Shop Vendor: *still laughing, waves his hand and tries to speak over Cloud, who has started laughing now too.* I'm sorry *snicker... I'm so sorry, dude, I just can't get say that line with a straight face.
Wall Market- Dress Shop
*Aeris and Cloud prepare to rescue Tifa from the Don’s clutches. Cloud steps out of the changing room in his dress, wig and perfume wearing the tiara… Then he looks down at the outfit*
Cloud: Does this dress make me my a** look big?
Dress Maker (offscreen): *Starts howling with laughter*
Director: CUT! Stick to the script, Strife!
Don Corneo's Mansion- Bedroom Confrontation
*The three have just gotten through answering the Don's question and the Don, being the man he is prepares to expel them via the trapdoor.*
Don Corneo: WRONG! *grins and pulls the lever beside him... nothing happens*
Tifa: Uhh.... I don't think it worked.
Director: CUT! Tech Crew to the bedroom set!
Don Corneo: What the HELL is wrong with this thing? *walks over to the door, shoving the trio roughly aside.* Outta the way.
*The don fiddles briefly with the door before losing his temper and begins jumping violently on top of it, trying to make it engage the mechanism*
Don Corneo: *jumping* What... the ... hell... It... should... be... wor-shiiiiiiiitttt!!!
*The trapdoor unexpectedly engages leaving the don quite surprised as he slips through and gets stuck. Off screen, Tifa, Cloud and Aeris, as well as various staffers behind the scenes lay paralyzed with laughter at the Don's predicament.. *
Cloud: Took em three and a half hours to get the poor b*****d out, and man was he pissed!
*cut to aftermath of the scene with a furious Corneo flanked by at least three stagehands trying to keep him from attacking the director. The don is struggling to free himself screaming, “I'LL SUE! DO YOU HEAR ME?! I'LL SUE YOUR a** AND TAKE YOU FOR EVERYTHING YOU HAVE!! Where's my agent?! He's gonna get an earfull!*
The aftermath of the pillar assault-
*Cut to Sephiroth offset in his dressing room*This was a good one; a heart rending scene goes awry. It started off well enough...
*as Barret begins the scene with his grief and rage, when suddenly*
Barret: *Throwing out his arms he just screams* STELLAAAAAA!
*He stands back and grins while the entire cast bursts out laughing, including him*
Barret: It was the perfect time.. PERFECT!
Director: *Slaps his hand to his forehead* Dear God, I'll never get this film done, CUUUT! Once more, and Barret... NO AD LIBBING THIS TIME!!!
Barret: *snickers as the others set themselves up for the scene again*
67th Floor
*As Cloud and crew hide behind the Jenova tank, Hojo examines a creature in a large speciment tank nearby. One of the staff walks up beside him*
Shinra Staff Member 1: Is this today’s specimen?
Hojo: Yes. We’re starting right away. Raise it to the upper level.
* The staff member leaves while Hojo examines his “specimen again*
Hojo: My precious specimen… yesssss…. My precioussssssss…. *snickers*
Cloud: *flips through the script* That’s not in here!
67th floor- Part 2
*As Cloud discovers the Jenova speciment tank and begins to flip out.. *
Cloud: Jenova... Sephiroth's... So.. they've brought it here.
*Everything seems to be going smoothly until Cloud looks up unexpectedly... There's conversation in the background*
Voice 1: God,he's really hamming it up..
Voice 2: Yeah, but it *DOES* make it look good for the scene... The gamers are just gonna eat it up. I can't wait to see them put you in.
Voice 1: I'm kind of looking forward to it myself.
Director: CUT! SEPHIROTH!!
*The cameraman scrolls over to the other end of the room where Sephiroth is talking with a young Tigress.. Suddenly he looks up as the camera is focused on him..*
Sephiroth: *notices the director's savage glare* What?! *Noticing the camera* s**t! Are we rolling? We are rolling! Ohhhh geez, I'm sorry. Just lost myself there
Tigress: I thought you said we were offset, Sephi-chan...
Sephiroth: I thought we were... oops. *shrugs and grins sheepishly as the camera scrolls back to its original position
Director:*sighs* Let's try it again folks.
Sephiroth (offscreen): Sorry!
Holding Cell scene
Tifa: Does the promised land really exist?
Aeris: … I don’t know. All I know is…. Is…….. … What was my line again?
Holding Cell scene- Take 2
Tifa: Does the promised land really exist?
Aeris: … I don’t know. All I know is… The Cetra were born from the Planet, speak with the Planet, and unlock the Planet. And… then… The Cetra will retun to the Promised Land. A land that promises supreme happiness.
Tifa: … What does that mean?
Aeris: More than words… I don’t know….
Cloud: Maybe it means we live… well… you know..
* Cloud and Tifa crack grins in each other’s direction as they join hands in the cell and start singing loudly*
Cloud and Tifa: *skipping around the cell* Weee all live in a Yellow submarine, yellow submarine, yellow submar-
Director: CUT!!
Kalm Flashback: Flaming CG - Take 1
*Dramatically, Sephiroth gives a maniacal grin as he turns and walks into the flaming background... and then comes hopping off set like a madman. His cape has caught fire and he's running around like a fool*
Sephiroth: *still hopping around* Put it out! Put it out! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PUT IT OUT!! *starts rolling around on the ground, trying to smother the flames.*
Director: CUT! Damn, that's the sixth costume today. Wardrobe, can we fix this please?
Mythril Mine Entrance CG
*Cloud and crew walk up to the tree to find the Midgar Zolom impaled like a giant eel on a spear... except that there's something new in this picture. As they walk up to the set, the girls gasp and Cloud just sort of cringes off to the side*
Aeris: Oh.. my..
Sephiroth: *struggling quite loudly from inside the beast, his legs the only thing sticking out and flailing frantically in midair* (muffled) Get me out of this thing!!
Director: CUUUT!! s**t! Get the animal handlers in here... and a medic... Dear God...
Cloud: (yelling upward) Don't sell the bike shop Orville!
Sephiroth (muffled and annoyed): Shut up.
Costa Del Sol- The soccer ball scene
*Cloud casually kicks the ball towards Red XIII and suddenly, the creature begins houghing loudly*
Red XIII: *hack, hack, cough hacccckkkk*
Director: CUT!
Cloud: What the hell? *runs over to Red XIII along with the director as the coughing dies down*
What happened?
Red XIII: Sorry... *grins sheepishly* Hairball.
(note from author: Sorry guys... I just couldn't pass this up)
Nibelheim-Shinra Mansion Basement- Take 1
*Sephiroth has just hit cloud in the chest with the destuct materia and begins his hovering exit out the door... except he can't stop...*
Sephiroth: *still floating as he heads for the wall* uh... wall...wall...WallWALL! *thwack*
Director: CUT!
Aeris (offscreen): Ouch.
Sephiroth: I'm okay!
Take two- Sephy-sama is still having trouble...
Sephiroth: WALL! Stop! Stop! Sto-*thwack*
Director: CUT! Try it again, people.
Sephiroth: Ow....
Take three- (Sephiroth: I had to lie down after this one.)
Sephiroth: *takes off as before* no... no.. nononostopstopstopSTOPSTO... *having picked up some speed on this take, he hits the wall full force with a resounding THWACK*
Director: Okay, that's it, we need a new harness tech... CUT! Sephiroth, take five. Everybody take five.
Sephiroth: *groans*
City of the Ancients
*Cloud, Cait Sith and Vincent climb through the opening of one house and up onto the second floor.*
Cait Sith: “We're in luck. There's a bed here.”
Cloud: You sound relieved. Planning on something kinky tonight?
*Cait Sith sputters at this while the director in the back just walks calmly over and starts banging his head on the wall*
Vincent: Oh, that was just wrong..
Director: CUT, CUT, CUU-HU-HU-HUTT! I swear, you two are driving me insane! *throws up his hands and walks off: I'll be in my office SHOULD you decide you want to behave!
Aeris's Death scene, take one
(*Cut to Aeris and Sephiroth offset* Aeris: This is one of the most dramatic scenes in the whole game... It is also gave us the most trouble.
Sephiroth: *nods* It's true. We had more screw ups with this scene than you can shake the masamune at. But we'll let you see for yourself.)
Director: Everyone in place? *Cloud and crew give the thumbs up from below as Aeris waves from the platform* Sephiroth, you ready? *Sephiroth gives the a okay from above* All right, then. ROLL CAMERAS!
*Cloud makes his way up the steps to the platform and proceeds to try to kill Aeris*
Tifa: STOP!
Barret: What are you doing?!
*as Cloud hears his comrades cry out he loses his concentration with the sword and it lands with a sullen clunk beside Aeris, who looks a little nervous at this point*
Aeris: AACK! Cloud!!
Cloud: What?! *notices the buster sword* Oops..
Sephiroth: I'm supposed to do the killing you jackass!!
Aeris's Death Scene... Take 2
Director: Okay, let's try this again... Everyone ready? ROLL CAMERAS!
*Cloud makes his way up the steps to the platform and proceeds to try to kill Aeris*
Tifa: STOP!
Barret: What are you doing?!
*Cloud's sword stops perfectly, just inches above Aeris's head*
Cloud: Ugh... What are you making me do?
Director: Cue Sephiroth
*Sephiroth steps into place and prepares to jump when his boot catches to the platform sending him plummeting over the side... and right on top of Aeris*
Director: CUT! MEDIC!
* Aeris and Sephiroth both groan on the ground*
Aeris: *Groans* I think I broke something...
Sephiroth: *YOU* broke something? You didn't get jabbed in the ribs with a sword hilt.
Aeris's Death Scene, Take 5
(Aeris: *laughs as they roll the opening of the CG Cinema, which is at an odd angle. The shot was taken with a retail video camera on the side, so as not to bother the recording team* Oh, God. The poor director.
Sephiroth: There's no telling how much therapy that man had to go through for this take... Especially after this happened)
*Everything goes off without a hitch, bringing a sigh of relief to both cast and crew... until...*
Director: *dances around the floor* IT WORKED IT WORKED IT WORKED, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT WORKED!!
Cameraman: Uh... no it didn't
Director: *stops dancing and stares at the cameraman with blazing fury in his eyes* What?
Cameraman: (sheepishly) I, uh... heheh... forgot to take off the lens cap.. pretty stupid huh?
Aeris: You mean we have to do the whole scene again?!!
Director: *begins to twitch*... *he turns to Sephiroth with a maniacal grin and a mad, wild look in his face* May I borrow your sword?
Sephiroth: (recognizing the man's anger) Be my guest.
*He cautiously hands Masamune to the director, who begins to chase the cameraman around the set, screaming “COME BACK HERE!!”*
Whirlwind maze flashback
Tifa: What is this? What happened?
Cloud: Calm down Tifa. Sephiroth is near. Anything could happen
*White screen fades to a shot of Nibelheim as the three walk up to the entrance*
Tifa: Nibelheim….
Vincent: … Why ….. is it an illusion?
Cloud: *shakes head* This is an illusion Sephiroth made up. He’s trying to confuse us. It’ll be all right. As long as we know it’s an illusion, there’s nothing to be afraid of. C’mon. Let’s keep going.
Tifa: Yeah, you’re right… *suddenly looks up and points* Look!
*The three part off to the side as Sephiroth and the party from 5 years ago. Sephiroth turns to his subordinates*
Sephiroth: All right, let’s go.
* as Sephiroth continues ahead, the party comes into view, but the SOLDIER that follows behind is not Cloud, but a spiky black haired young man.*
Vincent: …. It’s not Cloud. Who is this man?
*the two men turn to see Tifa turn away from the Silver haired man in front.*
Tifa: Stop…. Sephiroth.
Cloud: This is so stupid…
*Tigress is sitting in the back off set, watching the scene play out, and eerily, she and Vincent say the same word in unison to the line just spoken*
Vincent and Tigress: (softly in unison) De-nial…
* The director suddenly bursts out laughing at this so hard that he forgets to yell “CUT!” He just waves his hand in a slashing motion as he lays doubled over on the floor now.*
Junon Slapping Match
The two women engage in the match quickly enough, when suddenly, the music cuts out and phases in “The Anvil Chorus”. Scarlet and Tifa stop slapping each other and double over laughing:
Scarlet: That's perfect!!
Tifa: Too true!
Director: CUT! Sound Techs? What's the problem?
Technicians: Not us! Someone's screwing with the controls!
Junon- The slapping match take 2
*Tifa and Scarlet are at it with renewed fury for this take when a well timed, forceful slap from our favorite heroine causes Scarlet to lose her balance, and topple headfirst over the side of the cannon.*
Scarlet: AAAAAAHHHHHHhhhhh-
Tifa: (morosely) Ohhh, s**t... I'm never gonna hear the end of this one.
Junon Reactor Boss Battle- Carry Armor
*The battle is going along nicely. Cloud begins to cast a well placed Bolt 3 spell when the carry armor suddenly heaves forward and collapses in a shower of sparks and grinding metal*
Yuffie: *stares at Cloud* What did you do?
Cloud: (puzzled) I didn't..
Director: CUT! Technical Staff to the Junon Reactor core set!
The City of the Ancients Revisited
*Bugenhagen has just placed the key in the music box, allowing a cascade of water to flow down and make a screen for viewing. Vincent, Yuffie, and Cloud disappear inside, looking for answers.*
Bugenhagen: “This was just a screen to project an image! Look! Look at the image projected on the screen of the water!”
*the three stare at the screen as it recreates the scene of Aeris locked in prayer. It then fades to her death, and the unleashing of the white material from her hair ribbon. It bounces down the pillars to the water below, where it lies at the bottom, glowing bright green.*
Cloud: …It’s glowing.
Bugenhagen: Ho Ho Hooo! It’s pale green!!
Cloud: ….Aeris. Aeris has already prayed for Holy…. After I gave up the Black Materia to Sephiroth…. Aeris’ words came into my dreams… She said, she was the only one who could stop Sephiroth…. And to do that, there was a secret here… annnnddddd….crap… I forgot the next line… Where’s the damn script?!
City of Ancients Revisited - Take 2
Cloud: ….Aeris. Aeris has already prayed for Holy…. After I gave up the Black Materia to Sephiroth…. Aeris’ words came into my dreams… She said, she was the only one who could stop Sephiroth…. And to do that, there was a secret here… That was Holy… That’s why she had the White Materia. Aeris knew about here… and what she had to do. Aeris left us great hope. But, it cost her life… Her future… I’m sorry… Aeris. I should have figured this out sooner… You lef without saying a word…. It was all so sudden, so I couldn’t think… That’s why it took me so long to find out. But, Aeris…I understand now. Aeris… I’ll do the rest.
Yuffie: Not I, dorkus! WE! … *turns to the director* That’s got to be the corniest line I ever heard. Is that actually in the script?
Vincent: *flips through the script pages* Yup… right here, see. *carefully points out the line to the young ninja*
Yuffie: WHAT THE HELL?! Who writes this garbage?! *throws up her hand and walks off the set*
Director: *sighs* Cut….
Gaea Cliffs
*The wind howls as the group makes their way up the side of the mountain… A few moments pass, and suddenly, a sputter from the background can be heard as the wind machine goes out in a flurry of sparks*
Director: CUT! Technical crews, get up here!
Cloud: (offscreen) So what’s wrong with it?
Director: How the hell should I know? I’m not the mechanical genius here! And I want to know where my freakin' technicians are!
*Meanwhile the cameraman has turned his attention and his camera towards the broken oversized fan just in time to see Sephiroth and Cid walking by the set sipping coffee. The As they pass by, Sephiroth brings a fist down on top of the machine. With a whir and a backfire, the machine roars to life again as he calmly walks on by sipping his coffee contentedly*
Icicle Inn
*Elena rears back and is about to deck Cloud when the sound inside the actual Inn of the set causes the two to stop in the middle of their cues to see what’s going on. Inside the inn sit Reno and Rude, who aren’t even a part of this scene. Rude’s chugging back his third can of beer at this point…*
Reno: DRINK, DRINK, DRINK DRINK, DRINK, DRINK ,Drink, Drink drink, dri-…ohhh….. We’re rolling aren’t we?
Director: *facepalms and looks back at the cameraman* You cut it short right?
Cameraman 1: Stopped right when they broke scene, sir.
Elena: *sigh* I can’t believe I am working with amateurs…. My agent is going to get an earful on this one.
Sister Ray Scene
Hojo: *works furiously at the controls* My son is in need of power and help. That is the only reason…
Vincent: ….?!
Hojo: *examines the readout screen* 85 percent… It’s taking too long.
*Suddenly the sister ray gives an ominous grinding sound *
Hojo: What the…?!
Tifa: Uh oh…
Cloud: DUCK!
*Before he can react, the machinery fizzles, then jolts a large electrical arc into the closest thing there… namely, the good professor… before exploding sending shrapnel flying in all directions. Hojo, while miraculously avoiding the flying metal, still gets fried by the electricity. He lies twitching on the floor, hair frizzy and a little crispy at the ends. As the shaken cast and crew get back on their feet, Cloud, Vincent and Tifa stare down at their electrified cast member. You can hear a pin drop on set. All of a sudden, as if to punctuate the moment, Cloud begins to whistle Taps.*
Dress maker’s shop - Take 2
*Aeris, the dress maker, and the dress maker’s daughter wait as Cloud gets into his finished disguise. He steps out with a rather odd look on his face*
Cloud: *stares at his outfit, and looks up at the group in front of him* Seriously though, Does this dress make me look fat? Be brutal.
*The dress maker and his daughter explode into laughter as Aeris gives him the traditional “wtf?!” eyebrow raise.*
Director: CUT!
Dress maker’s shop- Take 3
*Cloud has finally gotten the dress on without anymore bullshitting*
Aeris: Walk this way, Miss Cloud.
*Cloud stumbles forward in his high heels and falls flat on his face. The entire cast bursts out in laughter*
Aeris: *snickers* having a little trouble there, miss priss?
Cloud: Shut up! How in God’s Name do you walk in these things?
The Shinra Staff Meeting
*Everything is going swimmingly until Scarlett opens the meeting with the question-*
So, Mr. President, what are we going to do tonight?
Rufus: Same thing we do every night Scarlett- TRY TO TAKE OVER MIDGAR!
*Meanwhile the director is frantically flipping script pages* THIS ISN’T IN THE SCRIPT!!
Heidegger: Gyah hah haaa! Wait, we’ve already done that sir.
Rufus: Oh… welll, ah… Would you like to come back to my place?
*the director facepalms. His face contorts in horror and frustration as the scene rapidly progresses straight down the crapper*
Heidegger: *grins* I thought you’d never ask.
*The entire meeting room bursts into laughter as Reeve and Rufus slap each other five*
Reeve: OH YES!
Rufus: Two for two! Hell yeah!
Rufus and Reeve Together: Harf harf harf harf harf!
Director: *Sighs* cut. Damn smart a** ad libbers..
67th floor - Take 2
*As Cloud and crew hide behind the Jenova tank, Hojo examines a creature in a large speciment tank nearby. One of the staff walks up beside him*
Shinra Staff Member 1: Is this today’s specimen?
Hojo: Yes. We’re starting right away. Are you pondering what I’m pondering?
Shinra Staff Member 1: I think so, but how is being naked and covered in chocolate syrup going to help us?
(Cloud: After the terrible time with the gliding scene, Sephiroth flatly refused to do anymore things on the wire. So the company hired a stunt double for the rest of the game production- The poor poor souls.)
Mansion Library scene
*Nibelheim-Shinra Mansion Basement- Sephiroth (or in this case, his double) has just hit Cloud in the chest with the destuct materia and begins his hovering exit out the door... to which the technical crew still has not fixed the harness problem…*
Double #1: I can’t stop…. I CAN’T STOP! I CAN’T FRIGGIN STOOOOO- *crunch*
Tigress: *watching offset with Sephiroth, who is sipping another latte* Ouch.
Sephiroth: Oooh… ow.
Director: CUT! TECH CREW! GET IN HERE AND FIX THE GODDAMN HARNESS!!
Aeris’s Death Scene- Take 43
*The double, fixing to jump from the perch trips on the edge and plummets downward, windmilling his arms frantically when* *SMACK* *CRUNCH*
*The entire set cringes*
Director: *Covers his eyes* Ooooh-hoohoo… Can we get another double please?
Stunt Double 1: *groans*
-Take 57
*The leap and descent goes as plan until the safety harness snaps, sending the hapless double plummeting downward onto his sword*
Aeris: *gasps at the unlucky fellow on the floor beside her*
Sephiroth: *cringes* Ewww…
Director: Daaamn ittttt! Now we gotta get another double! That’s the 5th one today!
Zack and Cloud -
*Zack turns and shouts at the driver.*
Zack: "Hey, old guy. What do you think I'd be good at?"
Driver: "What're you yappin' about? You're still young ain't ya? Young folks
should try everything! You gotta pay your debts while you're still
young. Go out and look for what you really want."
Zack: "Try everything...That's easy for him to say... *does some squat thrusts
for a bit then has an idea* HEY! Of course! I got a lotta brains and skill
that other guys don't. That settles it! I'm gonna become…. A LUMBERJACK!
Cloud: *snaps his head up* Say What?!
Zack: Leaping from tree to tree, as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia. The Giant Redwood. The Larch. The Fir!-
*the director is going nuts, insanely slashing at his throat with his finger*
Director: CUT CUT CUT!
Zack: *still reciting* The mighty Scots Pine! The lofty flowering Cherry! The plucky little Apsen! The limping Roo tree of Nigeria. The towering Wattle of Aldershot! The Maidenhead Weeping Water Plant! The naughty Leicestershire Flashing Oak! The flatulent Elm of West Ruislip! The Quercus Maximus Bamber Gascoigni! The Epigillus! The Barter Hughius Greenus!
With my best girl by my side, we'd sing! Sing! Sing!
*The scene falls apart as the truck driver and Cloud carry Zack offstage, who’s singing all the while*
Oh, I’m a lumberjack and I’m okayyy! I sleep all night and I work all day!
Cloud: *shakes his head* Amazing… he can remember Python but he can’t keep his lines straight.. Damn.
Shinra Building – Back entrance
*As Cloud, Tifa and Barret make their way up what seems like an endless amount of stairs*
Tifa: Tell me when we get to the 35th floor…. I’m gonna throw up.
*Cloud stops and gives her the “WTF?!” eyebrow raise while the stagehands laugh offscreen*
Director: I'm gonna kill these people before this game is through shooting...
Sephiroth: Like hell you are! That's my job.
Mideel Flashback
Sephiroth: AAAAArrrgh! Who... Who are you?!
Cloud: *Stands Still, staring at Sephiroth*
Tifa: (offscreen) Cloud? Are you all right?
*no answer*
Director: Strife?
Cloud: *staring at Sephiroth with Jenova’s head still in his hands* ….. Goddamn head hugger….
(Author's Note: The final line in this outtake is inspired by a friend of mine)
Corneo Bedroom scene – take 2
Corneo: WRONG! *pulls lever opening….. a trapdoor under himself! As he loses his footing, he steals a quick glance at his instrument panel before dropping through the floor* WRONG LEVER!
*Tifa and Aeris linger over the edge of the open trapdoor while Cloud stares at the camera, jerking his thumb towards the door*
*from the bottom of the shaft* WHY DO WE EVEN HAVE THAT LEVER?!
Stagehands: *Laughing*
Tail end of the basement scene
Cloud: No, Aeris! I can't have you get involved.
Aeris: Oh? So it's all right for Tifa to be in danger?
Cloud: No, I don't want Tifa in...
Tifa: Is it all right?
Aeris: I grew up in the slums... I'm used to danger. Do you trust me?
Tifa: Yes. Thanks, Ms. Aeris.
Aeris: *dramatically* Call me Ishmael!
*Aeris grins at the camera while Tifa and Cloud stare.*
Corneo Bedroom scene – Take 15
Corneo: You don't like me? There... there isn't someone else, is there?
Cloud: Yes, his name's Barret...
Corneo: No way! Hmm? Barret? That sounds familiar...
Cloud: You know, he's one of the ones you were trying to find out
about. You know, AVALANCHE...?
Corneo: Oh, yeah, yeah. In Sector 7 in the slum... ...and how do YOU
know that!?
*Cloud strips the dress, but as he takes it off, it snags his pants with them..*
Corneo *whistles* You like going commando?
Cloud: What the? *looks down to find himself sans pants… and underwear! He shrieks and attempts to cover himself with his hands* Wardrobe malfunction! WARDROBE MALFUNCTION!
Yuffie: (offscreen) Oh, SICK! Put on a glove, man!
Director: *frantically slashes his throat with his finger while covering his eyes with the other hand* CUT! WARDROBE GET IN HERE NOW!!
*Cloud edges out of sight while Tifa and Aeris laugh offscreen*
Shinra Board Meeting 1 – Take 5
President Shinra: How are the preparations going?
Heidegger: Ha, ha, ha! Smoothly, very smoothly! I assigned the Turks to
this.
Reeve: President!! Are we really going to do this? Simply destroy a
group with only a few members...
President Shinra: What's the problem, Reeve? You want out?
Reeve: Oh, no.. no.. no-Yes.
Director: CUT! ENOUGH WITH THE MONTY PYTHON REFERENCES! I’ll fire you, so help me God I will!
Port Costa Del Sol- Rufus & Heidegger – Take 1
Rufus: I heard Sephiroth was on board.
Heidegger: ......Yes.
Rufus: And it seems Cloud and the others were on board, too.
Heidegger: ......Yes.
Rufus: They all slipped through...... You messed up big this time,
Heidegger.
Heidegger: I'm ashamed of myself. I’m such a naughty boy… Spank me Mr. President. Spank me hard.
Rufus: Is that a- *he stops in midline realizing what Heidegger has just said.*
*Heidegger grins evilly* And next… The Oral Sex!
Rufus: *twitches briefly... then screams like a schoolgirl*
*Sephiroth laughs offscreen, followed by howls from the stagehands.*
Director: *Facepalms* My god, these people are going to kill me… CUT!
Port Costa Del Sol – Rufus/Heidegger – Take 2
Rufus: I heard Sephiroth was on board.
Heidegger: ......Yes.
Rufus: And it seems Cloud and the others were on board, too.
Heidegger: ......Yes.
Rufus: They all slipped through...... You messed up big this time,
Heidegger.
Heidegger: I'm ashamed of myself.
Rufus: Is that all you can do...? Give one word answers and apologize
for everything?
Heidegger: *cuts off the sailor before he can say his line* No sir… I can also be used as a bad example…
Kalm Flashback Scene: Mako Reactor
Cloud: Normal members of SOLDIER? You mean you're different? H... hey,
Sephiroth!
Sephiroth: N...no...... ...Was I?
*Taking his sword, Sephiroth starts slashing around at the condensers containing the hapless soldiers from Hojo’s warped experiment*
Sephiroth: ...Was I created this way too? Am I the same as all these
monsters......
Cloud: ...Sephiroth.
Sephiroth: You saw it! All of them... were humans...
Cloud: Humans!? No way!
Sephiroth: ...I tell you I can’t STAND IT! I’m going… MAAAAAD!
Director: *Twitches with rage as the veins bulge in his forehead* SO AM I! CUT, GODDAMN IT! CUUUT!
Take 2
*Taking his sword, Sephiroth freezes as Cloud looks on in surprised shock. But instead of going ‘sword happy’ on cue, he gets this crazy look on his face*
Sephiroth: Haahahahha…. Yeah! I, Sephiroth, learned nature can be cruel…
Cloud: ...Sephiroth.
Sephiroth: (his voice crescendos, becoming progressively more unstable sounding) But I can be CRUELER! AAHAHAHAHAHAAA! KILL THE PODS! KILL THE PODS! KILL! KILL! AHAHAHAHAHAAAA! HEEHEEHEHEHEHEEEE! I LOVE BEING A SOLDIER!
Cloud: *Jerks a finger at Sephiroth* And they made him an officer?!
Director: *sighs* Ohhh, the things I do for money....
Gainsborough house part 2
Barret: Marlene!! Aeris was caught because of Marlene!? I'm sorry.
Marlene's my daughter. I'm ...really...sorry...
Elmyra: You're her father!? How in the world could you ever leave a
child alone like that!?
Barret: ...please don't start with that. I think about it all the time.
What would happen to Marlene, if I... But you gotta understand
somethin'... I don't got an answer. I wanna be with Marlene... But I
gotta fight. 'Cause if I don't... …. I forget my lines…
*You can hear the stagehands start snickering. Onscreen, Cloud and Tifa start laughing*
Greeting Procedure: Junon Parade
Commander: Wow! You look good in it! You remember the Greeting
procedure, right!? ...the look on your face says you forgot. All right,
I'll show you again! Do just like we do.
Soldier 1: Commander!! We'll help too! This is how to do it!
Soldier 2: We'll sing too!
Commander: All right! Show 'em!!
Soldier 1: Now, march!! This's the Welcoming March!
Soldier 2: Then! I'll sing along with you! Quietly--!! Aaaaah! Aaaaah!
Hey, come on now. Now!
*The soldiers march in time, but instead of singing the welcoming march…*
Soldier 1 & 2:
What Rolls downstairs,
Alone or in pairs,
Rolls over your neighbor’s dog?
What’s great for a snack,
And fits on your back,
It’s log! Log! LOG!
It’s Looog, loooog,
It’s big it’s heavy it’s wood-
Director: How in God’s name did I get actors like this? CUT!
Gold Saucer: First Encounter with Cait Sith
Cait Sith: How 'bout it? Want me to read your fortune? A bright future! A happy future!
Director: (muttering) I see myself checking into a mental hospital soon....
*At this point, it's obvious that Cloud and Aeris are trying to hold in their laughter, but it is a futile attempt, and the two start laughing hard. The director, recognizing his error, smacks his hand to his forehead*
Rocket Town: Palmer Battle
*Cloud and team face off with Palmer in Rocket Town as the scene spins into the battle screen. About halfway through, the fight is cut short by a loud record scratch. The boss music then is replaced by Pat Benatar's “Hit Me With Your Best Shot”. The director is frantically making the motions to cut the scene, but isn't recognized fast enough*
*Palmer does his victory razz* (cockily) Well, you heard the song. Hit me with your best shot, heroes!
Cloud: *grins* If you insist.
*the squeal of brakes can be heard, right on cue as Palmer turns his head* What the he-
*WHAM!*
Basement Scene - Oh, forget the take number!
Sephiroth: ...I see. I don't think you have the right to participate. I will go North past Mt. Nibel. If you wish to find out... then follow...
Cloud: ...Reunion? Calamity from the skies?
*Sephiroth throws the Destruct materia at Cloud, which proceeds to connect squarely with the blonde's head. He crumples to the floor, senseless*
Sephiroth: Oh Fu-Can we get a medic up here please?
Yuffie: Nice shootin' Tex!
Sephiroth: SHUT UP! I didn't do it on purpose!
Interlude with Mr. Coates
*Cloud, Aeris, Cait Sith and Barret meet up with Mr. Coates after the Dyne incident*
Coates: You want somethin'?
Aeris: Yeah. I wanna know why you look like a pimp..
*Coates gives a flustered exclamation as Barret stares amazed at Aeris*
Aeris: What?!
Director: *slams his head against his clipboard* God... Send... Me... Competent.... Freaking... ACTORS!
Kalm Flashback: Flaming CG - Take 25
*Sephiroth turns and walks dramatically into the flames... which would be fine if not for the 'Kick Me' sign on the back of his cape. The “dead” extras in town start snickering*
Sephiroth: What?!
-Take 26
*Sephiroth walks into the flames. The snickering has turned into laughter.*
Sephiroth: WHAT?! *turns the cape around to find 'THIS SPACE FOR RENT' Written in big white letters* Dammit, Cloud!
Cloud/Aeris Date :Gondola Scene
Director: Roll Cameras!
*The crew scrambles to their places, and the camera reveals... Cloud and Aeris making out quite cozily inside the gondola. The two notice the camera rolling and look up*
Cloud: *notices Tifa fuming offscreen and starts shaking his hands in a frantic gesture* It's *NOT* what it looks like!
Tifa:*comes onscreen stiff with rage* And neither is this! FINAL HEAVEN!
*Camera screen goes blank*
Shinra Mansion Basement:
Director: *looks at his script* Okay, we're shooting Vincent's introduction... Are we ready?
Cloud: Almost. We can't find Vincent though.
Director: All right, where's Valentine! He's supposed to be on set.
*offset, a scream can be heard, and Vincent suddenly appears running for his life. Behind him are pursuant fangirls, screaming like ....well, like fangirls!*
Vincent: *Runs past the set* HELP!
*Suddenly, the Benny Hill theme blares loudly from the sound booth while the technicians can be seen behind the glass, laughing their asses off*
Director: *Throws down his script and clipboard* THAT IS IT! THE LAST STRAW! SECURITY! *walks offset, growling* This is a movie set... not a zoo
Cloud Hands Over the Black Materia
Cloud: Urrrrrrgh... What have I done!?
Aeris: Cloud... you haven't done anything. It's not your fault.
*Cloud Starts attacking Aeris*
Vincent: Cloud!
Cait Sith: Oops! This looks like I came at a bad time! I'm Cait Sith No. 2 Right pleased to meet you all!
*Vincent moves to incapacitate Cloud temporarily but trips up on the ground. The gun barrel flies out of his hand, striking Cloud squarely on the head. The spikey- haired blonde slides to the ground unconscious while the gun skitters a small distance*
Aeris: CLOUD! *kneels at his side*
Director: CUT! You were supposed to knock him out, Vincent! Not kill him! Let's get a medic up here!
Vincent: It was an accident. *kneels by Aeris who is supporting Cloud's head gently in her hands* Cloud.... Cloud, talk to me..
Cloud: (Dazed) Mommy? I don't wanna pet the bunny anymore... *groans and passes out*
Vincent: *looks worried* I hope he's okay... He's never going to let me live this one over is he?
Aeris: *studies the dazed swordsman* Vincent, honey, I don't think he's even going to REMEMBER this take...
Return to Rocket Town
Cid: Goddammit, what the hell do they think they're gonna do to my rocket!? I'm outta here, Cloud! I'm gonna kick those #$#($#($' Shinra right out of my rocket.
*Cloud and his party ascend the ladder where Rude and the soldiers are standing guard. Once at the top...
Cid: Waitaminnit! This ain't my rocket!! *pushes Rude and the soldiers aside and walks up the catwalk to the rocket. He gives it a good thump* CARDBOARD! *Cid turns to the director, eyes blazing like the coronas within twin suns* What the hell is this you cheap mother-
Director: Hey! Don't b***h about it to me! Take it up with the props department!
