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out, i decay..

yeah, im depressed
and feeling down right crappy...
threw up this morning
that was fun
not
bled a bit
not much
talk with friends
good time
talked to ex
still dating a disaster
feeling jealousy
pain
anger
fear
sobriety
isnt so great
intoxication
neither
limbo
neither here nor there
i need
space
rest
and someone
to hold in my arms
to love
to feel
to speak
something real
no imagining
no pagentry
just one
for me

lengthy
well i guess
medusa almost all better
good news
good luck
good life
others not close to being better
bad times
bad feelings
bad thoughts
festering
infecting
desires
of the heart
mind
soul
and fallable logic
etc...

i hope
confusion
not on your part
understand
grief
tenderness
non relieving
i crumble
underneath the gravity
of my thoughts
my heart
my end unforseen


heart MP

((p.s this isnt a suicide letter, so dont worry..... im just depressed))

well... me and my g/f broke up the day after the anneversary... and lets just say it was a bad time. there was more but its none of your beeswax... but its been really hard, but im better now. In fact we still talk and hang out. But yeah, i still miss her.

heart MP heart

Ahhh... 6th month in a few days... WOOT! and i swear, we both swear it feels like we are married. so we joke about that and stuff. Ahh... i love her to bits. Anyways, umm.. nothing new except its HOT and im wearing pants and frying my bacon... yay! gonk

ill talk to you all later, ok?

heart MP

OMG!
YES!
WHEEE!
july 4th was mine and beths
5 MONTH ANNEVERSARY!!!!
woot.... and out of that five months, we went on our first actual date yesterday.
we went to go see WAR OF THE WORLDS and that movie was awsome, despite being a little over 2 hours long. But it was sexellent, and i had beth in my arms the whole time. there were some scary parts ((for her, i dont get scared)) and it was a little disturbing at times, but all in all GO SEE IT NOW! well, after the movie we went to TACO BELL ((dun dun dun)) and she had some chalupas, and i had a taco and that new crunchwrap supreme. well, the crunchwrap was good, but it didnt look at all like the pic because it was poorly made... they had a little too much nacho cheese and not enough beef. and because they put so much nacho cheese on it that the hard shell got soft, so i hade to fold the crunchwrap in half and eat that like a taco... oh, and i was dumb so i ordered an exta drink, so i left the cup on the table next to us. afterwards, we walked to Don's and had coffee and smoked, then her parents came and picked her up, and me mum came and picked me up. when i got home i called back a friend and he wanted me to meet him across town at 10:30pm to entertain him because he was bored.... i asked and my mom was like no way, and he doesnt have his car yet so we are making plans for today. RIGHT NOW im at the library, with beth cause i have to take care of something *shakes fist at library* and then we are going to a driving school and then jack in the box and then i dont know... @_@ ANYWAYS i hope your day is exellent, as i know mine will be.

Love

heart MP heart

well, things have gotten somewhat better between me and beth... its mostly the rough aftermath and bumpy road of a breaking point argument thats been going on for a few days. other than that, havent been drinking. been keeping sober mostly so i dont ******** up and loose all that i have. I thank my good good friend for helping me out with some stuff, and i wuv her for that wink ummm, other than, things are ok... they have been better... but ok...

heart MP

and im using my face to do it too. Right now, Me and my g/f are hella fighting. Im the reason the tension started, and i dont want to fight, but she is the angry half of our fighting. but tonight, oh man, i was ready to pound my head through the wall i was so pissed. she wanted serious when she was drunk, i told her my seriousness and she brushed it away like lies... and i came close to killing. I havent really before, but tonight, i need to drink. Drink till im drunk, till i cant see stairs without falling down them. I cant handle the drama, the stress, the pain that she is bringing into this relationship, and i have half a mind to end it. im split between, anger/frustration and love, and i dont want the anger to prevail... but its hard to keep it on the down low. right now, im pissed and hurt, and alcohol is my only escape. I know its a weak way out, but i seriously cant handle it right now. I dont want to cut, i dont want to kill, i just want peace, and this is the only place i can find it...

Im only on my thrid beer, and it wont be my last... as i can see two more and some hard licquer in my future. i dont care right now, and i dont think i will for a while. yay narcisim! ******** me... I hope i wake up tomorrow, but not really

Goodnight

MP

JAWS! AHH!!!


well, me and beth are still together, and better than ever. she came over today and we hung out on my porch, and i swear i must have done something good cause she was all over me. i dont know what it was, but i need to do it again blaugh anyways, i have also been counseling some of my friends as they're relationships are hitting some bumps and dont know how to smooth them out... that or im trying to keep bad relationships from happening, as i dont want to see my friends hurt. just call me the love doctor wink whee other than that, grades arent all that great, but most are up there close to passing at average. and umm... seniors left schoo today, and i was stuck in the assembly crying so i shot spitwads and yelled out humorous comments to the MC when he said something i could totally skew the other way, lol. so basically security had their eye on me... and have ever since i have been on their radar. you know what? i need to put GPS chips on every security so i can track them so i dont have to get caught as much stressed but hey, i get out next friday! YAY! OMG! i cant wait.

other than that, life has been OK... btw, i got a myspace account so if you want the link, pm me or something and ill get back to you as soon as possible, k?

heart MP heart

I AM BACK WITH BETH! OMG IM GOING TO SEXPLODE! a part of me has been returned finally, and i am whole. it happened friday, when she came over. it was an event cumulating of others, and i asked her out. and she said yes. and my heart flew away somewhere... and hasnt returned from its lofty location.

other than that, a tad sick and i saw the school's musical "the beauty and the beast" and it was awsome. some chick belted it out so hard the speakers almost blew 3nodding other than that, nothing new cept a headache which im gonna go fix. ttyal...

heart MP heart

mine is sucking hard, but for all you mothers, and soon to be's...

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!!!

you are now loved

heart MP