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It's really been a long time since I wrote in any kind of journal whatsoever. I really need it right now. No one reads this s**t anyway, so I can spill my guts out without consequence.

Things have gotten so out of hand, I don't know how much more I can handle lately. I guess the main reason for my mental health is my sister. Not that I'm really blaming her or anything; she certainly doesn't know the damage she's done, nor has she intended it to be this way. Lets start with me saying that my older sister has been my 'idol' for some time now. She graduated across the stage first (even though she's the middle sister), she went to college, got a job with the county, had a loving (pretty kick a**) husband and a pretty damn good income. Most of all, she was cool to me and we got along. Not like most siblings that pick on each other or always fight with one another.

I loved her a lot, and I still do! But I really had something to compete with and aim for, for when I got older. Some people probably don't think that the problem (especially on my side) is much of a deal, but can you imagine my shock when I heard she was cheating on her husband? With more than one man, mind you. Some people say that the worst kind of rejection is no emotion at all. Would that be me then? I mean I was shocked, but I refused to let anyone else in my family know how I was feeling because I didn't want them to know how hurt I was and think little of me.

They're currently seperated, not divorced; but of course he needs some space and to think things over. He also needs to learn to trust and forgive her again. In all honesty, I kinda want them to be together again. Call me selfish, but I don't want him to forgive her for my sister's sake, but for the family's sake because we really like him as a brother/son and want him around us. I honestly don't think she deserves him anymore, especially with the way she's been acting.

She's moping all over the place, which I can understand. I mean she seriously ******** up and might not get him back, but it's gotten to the point where it's interfering with her jobs. Another thing. She recently quit her job for reasons, to me, unknown. She's just not the same anymore. She always locks herself in her room for hours on end and when I try talking to her, it's like she's not even fully listening.

I mean I KNOW what it's like to be seriously depressed. I may not know what it's like to seriously ******** up like she has, but it's still depression all the same! When you're depressed you shouldn't act like it all the time because then you throw off everyone else's mood! It's like an infectious mental disease that's so contagious.

Another thing that's been on my mind recently. My oldest sister, who has two beautiful girls and happily married, chooses me to be my 2nd nieces Nina(spanish for god mother). At first I was happy, because I wanted to be the nina of her first child but wasn't chosen to be. But later when I really had the chance to think about it...I felt kinda bad.

The reason was this: I want to disappear.

I still do, which is why I feel bad. Not disappear as in commiting suicide, but as in going away without a single goodbye or leaving contact information. I've always hated my parents for as long as I can remember, but now I have reason to hate my entire family.

I can't be that child's god mother. Not a proper one anyway. She'd hate me for leaving. I hate this life. I really do. I'm trying so hard to break free.