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What you don't know
I've been bi-sexual since kindergarten.

I have no love interest in any of my friends.

When I'm taken by a boy, all the kids I used to have a crush on I feel apathetic towards.

I locked away my tears because I vowed I would never cry over a guy--
and that happened because my boyfriend broke up with me.

I'm emotionally unstable.

I get really bad PMS.

Ex-boyfriends--for me--suck.

I've changed a lot since I moved in with my dad--

I feel bad that
I neglect
to see my mother,

Theres always a 'but'
In these situations;
Which is, she neglected me
before I even had
the chance to neglect her first.


I believe
my
mother
doesn't
really
love
me, but only does what a mother is 'supposed' to do.

I believe my mom only wants the child support.

Sometimes when some one is in my life for a short period of time--
I cherish the time with them too much--and
get
emotionally attached.

I
wear
my heart
on
my
hand,
but
the
thing
is
I'm
always
loyal
to
the
person
I'm
in
love
with.

I'd
NEVER
break a heart, because I
know how it feels.

I try to avoid hurting people unless I hate them or I can help it.

I try to be religious, but like most teenagers my mind wanders and I sin.
'What if theres no god?' 'There's a reason for everything right?' 'They say the world was made by the combination of particles?' 'Where did the particles come from?'

Sometimes I think
life is a
dream and I'm nothing but a
[ M A R I O N N E T T E ] in a
puppet show.

I usually like it
when some one calls me a b***h
whore, a*****e, mean person,
Heartless, demon, devil spawn,
But when my Boyfriend calls me mean:
I get hurt for once.

Have you ever had the feeling you wanted to tear your heart of your chest in desperation? Not the physical kind, where you are having a heart attack, and it hurts so bad that you just want to get rid of your heart. I mean the kind, when you can feel it aching in your chest so hard, so bad that you just want to lay there and stare at the ceiling and pray to what ever god is up there to strike you down. Kill you off, make you paralyzed, anything to stop the pain. The pain where you wish you could guzzle a thousand pills to try and be numb, or play the 'pass out game' to see how long it takes for you pass out. Because, usually dreams bring Consolidation. Not only that, but when you sleep, you don't feel anything. Nothing but an eerie warmth from your own body heat, or the chill of your fingers, or even the slight n** on your nose where it freezes in the night.

This is how I feel, as I stare out of my rain laden window. Miserable, absolutely miserable, and no matter how hard I try to smile, the more it hurts. The more it burns, the more my heart is trying to leap from my throat screaming 'Make it stop! Make it stop! I can't take this pain anymore! Pull your icy knives out from within me and make it stop!' But no matter how hard I try to forget him, to pull those icy stakes from my heart, to make the love go away, the devotion, the loyalty I simply can't.

This reminds me of the day dream I had while vacuuming. I dreamed that the one who made me so miserable was being held hostage. Before him, a man, cloaked in black with a gun. Right on his chest, the barrel of the gun, the exact position of his heart. In this dream, I leaped before him in order to save his life. Of course, he was taken by surprise, but when he asked why I did it I didn't tell him how madly in love I was with him, but I knew my eyes showed it as I uttered to him "Now you can see how ******** much I wanted to be your friend."

And in a ******** up way, it was true. All I want is to be his friend. That's really all I want . . .that's it.

But who knows that but me.