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Crabs are decapod crustaceans of the infraorder Brachyura, which typically have a very short "tail" (Greek: brachy = short, ura = tail), or where the abdomen is entirely hidden under the thorax.

Wait. Sorry. Ignore that. Let's start again.

The only logical expliniation is that I am teh hax0r |337 much. Everything else causes systemic anomali.

You see, this was all predicted by Einstien (read: ien-shtien). According to general relativity, if

Ω<1, n00b
Ω=1, |ee7 haxOr!!!1
Ω>1, trap

where Ω=1 when I say so.

That, in fact, is my understanding of general relativity, where (|337ness status) <=> (the geometry of the Universe)

yes kids, Ω = Ωm + Ω^ = .3 + .7 = 1, thus euclidean geometry, because god I mean general relativity said so. You know what I say? Ow, astronomy. That hurts. Right here ---> <3

moving on;

do not have buttsex in the back of a moving bus.

"Do" sweet! I get to have buttsex! "not" Damnit! I need to start reading faster....

I swear to general relativity that I'm straight. I mean, sober. No, wait. I'm both. Yeah. They'll believe that. They'll have to believe that.

People are always asking me, 'Zach, you're so awsome, what's your secret?' and I'm like 'I killed a man once, yo'


well, was it worth the wait?

Ha ha, this is what happens when I don't take my medication...
Wow kerplaw boing zigpa yeah... blurry red dots!

MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE WHITEHOUSE

Ben: Okay, I think we all know that we're just going to pick the craziest, most redunckulous (1) name we can come up with.

Sam: Okay, how about 'c**k-a**'(2)?

Mild expressing of silent excitement

Tom: That has to be the stupidest idea I've ever heard

John: talk2hand (3)

AND THUS THE CAUCUS WAS BORN. STUDIES WOULD LATER SHOW THAT ONLY OHIO GAVE A DAMN.

Footnotes for "Super Founding Father Friends"
1) Recent evidence suggests that Franklin was black. Many historians now believe that he was a rapper who went back in time to save America from the evils of planet England. Skeptics have argued that it was probably only Wayne Brady, but there is still a small minority of researchers claiming that it was probably Tupac. They sight the evidence that Franklin was a pimp who kept it real(a).
2) When asked if this is indeed how the name came to be, Sam choose to "plead the fif." When asked to explain what the 'fif' was, Sam explained, simply, "Mmmm, mmm, b***h."
3) Recent evidence indicates that it was his body, he did what he want(b). "Whatever" the future president was quoted as having said.

Footnotes for " Footnotes for "Super Founding Father Friends" "
a) This connection between Ben Franklin and Xenu has not gone unnoticed [[see previous entry]]. Many Scientologists now believe that Franklin (born circa way before Scientology) was the previous incarnation of Xenu, who now roams the earth in the bodily form of Tom Cruise. When asked to explain, a Scientology spokesperson said "it sort of works like the Dali Lama. Only Tom is cooler, 'cause he's the reincarnation of Xenu. Plus, he hasn't been exiled from Tibet. Yet." Cruise was quoted as having responded by saying "Bahhhh. Wait, that's was llamas say, right? I mean, 'bahhh?' "
b) You have to bear in mind that at the time, this sentence, which would now be considered grammatically incorrect, was considered 'upper class' by 18th century peoples. This can be seen in the Declaration of Independence. Therein, a good slap is taken at the English royalty via the line "...all your America are belong to us."

If you're wondering, yes, the insanity does end

right about

now

This one goes out to all the Jesus freaks in the world!
Jesus was SO two thousand years ago. Xenu is the way of the future. Besides, God loves his crazy fundamentalist Scientologists.
Of course Xenu loves you! Didn't you ever see Mission Impossible? That's what the whole movie was about. See, Tom Cruise wins because, in fact, he is a metaphor for Xenu. Therefore, the movie subtly suggests that Xenu kicks a**, and, consequently, loves you.
Ahhh, but as you careful readers have noticed, there is an argument against this path of thought. And that is that Top Gun was a much better movie than MI. And you would be correct in saying that. The movie was awesome. Just remove Tom and add, say, Sean Connery, and you have an instant classic.
"Sho, Whosh the besht pilot, Ishe Man?"
But what you have failed to realize is that Tom's ENTIRE CAREER has been a metaphor for Xenu. Even Vanilla Sky.
Hell, especially Vanilla Sky. "Open your eyes" - that is so obviously a reference to the intergalactic Walrus. Damn, that's some deep s**t.
And then there's War of the Worlds. In this movie, Tom explores the scenario as per the popular song, 'What if Xenu was one of us?'. In this case, Xenu (Tom Cruise) walks among us, but is unaware that he is anything more than a crappy actor (and a God-damn Yankee's fan at that). This is not enough, however, to stop him from sending evil alien robots to destroy the earth (because that's what Xenu WANTS to do, okay? Got a problem with that?). He is unaware that he sent for the aliens and therefore he is scared of them, but he still survives because Xenu is really cool and he always survives (not to mention the fact that he's immortal, I think). In addition, all the people close to Xenu survive, because Xenu keeps it real. Also, while New York gets it's a** whooped, the aliens seem to have completely forgotten about Boston, which probably means something. Meanwhile, cute innocent little girl (Dakota Fanning) somehow manages to escape the movie not only alive but also without having been rapped, which in my experience is usually what happens to girls of that age when they meet something with tentacles. So what can we learn from this movie? First, as stated above, we are reminded that Xenu kicks a**. Also, we learn that you really want to be good friends with Tom Cruise (or live in Boston), because when the aliens come, only the strong (and cute innocent little girls) will survive.

Sex:
heart arrow smile arrow biggrin arrow xd arrow xp arrow redface arrow sweatdrop

Depresion:
eek arrow question arrow sad arrow cry arrow crying arrow gonk arrow scream arrow stressed arrow evil arrow neutral

And what do we do with nOObs?

Burn them! muah ha ha the gaian gods demand a sacrafice! Cut them open and hold their e-intestines to the e-sky! Their blood shall spill in the gallons! Nobody expects the the Spainish Inquisition! Viva la Revolution! Kill kill kill! Die! BURN!
Fire, fire good for burning herdarheerka, diekillburn, hee. fire for to dime mas gasolina burn kill fire burn at teh stake ha ha u lose!

I have no reason to make this, nor anything to say right now. Thus I shall leave you with;
'tis just a triller,
triller right now, hey,
I am the one,
shamona,
don't think twice,
'cause I'm sick of being the one,
don't you know not to go to Billy Jean is not,
are you okay, hey, being the one,
not my lover, shes just a girl,
Billy Jean, no, touch little boys,
who's bad from being the one,
I don't want to, the window,
are you okay?