|
Is He Dead?
Is he dead? I know he is not, but for some reason, I ask myself that all day, I don't know why, I just broke up with Chris after a two year realtionship, and I know it was for the best, we can always get back togeather if he can get better. Still, why do I feel sad if he dosent call? Why do I have this odd fear that he is dead? We are young, and I do not hold this fear for anyone else, I know we have many more years, I do not even belive my friends, I, my parents, or even my only grandparent will die. Yet for him that fear is great, and it comes often. Do I really fear his death? Or just the fact that he will be beyond reach? Why do even now, I feel as if he is dying? As if, maybe, he is dead, or near it? Why do I, somewhere in my heart, know he will die so soon? Is it just a fear of being alone, or will he really? It sounds so silly, but maybe, even after everything, he was still the only one who would listen to me, the only one who would talk to me like that. I have no best friend, I had one for many years, but at the beginning of this year, she did not say hi to me, and I knew, somewhere inside, we were not friends anymore, do I hate her? Can I hate? I feel as if I can not hate, yet that life may be easier if I did sometimes. This fear, why does it not go away? Why does it still linger here, as if it is my own death that I am fearing, as if I myself am fearing my own death. For me, death is writing his name, but why? Is a part of him dying inside? Why do I care? I feel, most of the time, that he has never cared about me, so why do I care so much? Why is his death the one thing I fear? I have never had a real fear, yes, I have had the common fear of dark and spiders as we all do, but that is a child fear, one that we can shrug off in light or by mothers, but this, this seems to be a part of me, as if this is the one thing of great concern to me. Why won't he call? I know why, because we are not togeather anymore. He will never call. Still, I hold this fear, and it will not go away, I just want to reach out to him, to someone and know my fear is not real. Yet I still feel it, and have for these past few days, and it will not go away, but why? Why do I fear his death, if he is not a part of me, why do I fear his death, if I know it is not near, yet I do. Why do I feel as if death is so near to him? As if he is dying, or a part of him has.....
|
