EDIT: I removed some of the more vulgar and obscene things... okay, make that most.. but there is still mild cursing and excessive ranting so shut the hell up. It calms itself toward the end...
I hate school... it pisses me off..
Nothing ever goes right.. nothing ever works out...
I don't do my homework once... just once and decide to do it during class. So I spend all of my class time doing homework and no time doing class work. That means that when I get home from school, I have to go over everything that I was supposed to be doing in class, at home. Then, I spend all of my home time going over things for class and put aside my homework again... which leads me spinning in that vicious cycle over and over and over again.
</monotonous-ness>
And this has been going on for a long, long time.
So yeah, progress reports are coming out soon and I am doing shitty in like three classes. And today, I had a quiz in my chem that I bombed... completely. Which makes me even more mad because that was supposed to be the quiz that was going to be my turning point in that class. I missed three points just because I confused something in my mind... partical attraction... gas goes first, then liquid and solid.... what the hell is wrong with me. I was listening at the begining of class when he told us that but I just completely and utterly forgot....
WHICH PISSES ME OFF!
Let's see.. then there's my f-ing ankle... I rolled it first period yesterday, thought nothing of it, and absent-mindedly abused it for the rest of the day only to find that it's swollen and bruised.
Grrr.
So yeah, I can't go running... but that doesn't f-ing matter...
I have no time to run anyway.
I need to crack down and start studying... all of this s**t just keeps piling up.. finals are just around the corner, I have a term paper and a speach due soon for composition, and, being that the end of the year is steadily approaching, my teachers are bound to be giving us large, final projects...
I can't all of this... I'm only one person.
And there's also stupid robotics. I feel bound to it. There are few times that I can say that I actually enjoy it. Last competition, the only thing I enjoyed was spending time with my friend who lives far away and is graduating this year.
Robotics sucks a**.... nobody cares about it, not even the people in it. I've only ever met one person who actually enjoys it and she really get's into it which I think is great. I would try to but, truth be told, I don't f-ing care. I just don't care. Nobody else does, so why should I. I don't even know how I got into it in the first place but all I ever want is out.
Of course, after Mr. Harris's speach on quitting things at our age, I feel guilty for even saying so. He's right though.. quitting the first time was hard, which means when (not if) I drop out again, it won't be so bad.
However, if I go to college for engineering, as my father has suggested countless times, it would be really good to have something like this under my hat... Then again, I have spent two years on the team, two of the most important years of highschool. Oooh, I smell a loop hole!
Yeah... Ever since 4th grade, I've wanted to be in robotics, but now that I see what a shitty team we have, I want out. "All that glitters is not gold" I suppose. Eh, but watch, I'll be there year after year because I really don't have anything better to do because I don't have a freaking (see I calmed down alittle) life.
Okay, enough of robotics. On to happy things.
The band trip was amazing. Unfortunately, due to a discussion I had had with my father before leaving, I was completely and utterly pissed the whole time. I was so pissed, that it hurt to smile. I mean, I tried to put it aside and forget the things that were said. I tried telling myself that things would be better when I got home (which they kinda were, I guess) but I just couldn't put it aside...
... but, on Saturday, I did. I just couldn't help it. I spent the day with a close friend of mine and my cousin and they tried their hardest to make me feel better. I know that they didn't think I knew what they were doing, but some of the things that were said and done were just so out of character (to some extent) for them. Liz and Mat made my weekend. It was funny how Liz went from wet and miserable to giddy and hyper in the blink of an eye. It must have been the first time that week that I put everything behind me and just had a good time.
We had been rejected at the begining of the day because Mat doesn't do rollercoasters and Liz didn't feel like it. I sided with Liz. The rainy weather dimmed the effects of the dramamine so I really wasn't feeling up to it.
Of course, by the end of the day I was ready to go on some of the more gentle rollercoasters but I couldn't find anyone to go with me. That was probably the only thing that could have made my day better than it was already.
Oh and the Philadelphia orchestra was amazing. Hehe, Bridget knows why. Well, you see, we were sitting in the conductors row, facing the bulk of the audience. *sigh* And we had a fantastic view.. Uh, um, of the er instrument people, of course. Okay, disreguard what I said in my last entry. I'm not trying to get rid of it (my crush) anymore. I swear poor Bridget was ready to beat me with whatever she could get her hands on. She asked me countless times if that was what she sounded like when she ranted about her crush.
Yeah, okay, maybe I was just a overdoing it alittle bit but I love having Bridget to talk to. It truely made that night more interesting...
Bridget, do you think that maybe that once you said that they were looking up in our general direction that maybe they knew we were talking about them the whole time?
I feel bad for poor Mike. Whenever I could manage it, I was right on his heals. If he noticed, I'm sure it probably would have annoyed him. *sigh* I just couldn't help it. If Andrea had traded seats with Trina and I, I'm sure that I would have been able to say something. But it's probably better that she didn't because otherwise, I wouldn't have said a thing to anyone the whole trip for fear of him hearing me say something stupid (which I do quite often.. it's just the way I am).
That last morning, I almost sat down to breakfast with him because, at the time, he was all alone and the table with my friend was filled up but I figured that that would be too awkward (s**t I can't spell). My little brother came in and sat at his table though... if only I had come in after him, it would have worked.... the timing just never works out.
Like, ever time he saw me, I was doing something stupid, like the sign language sign for boring, or the pigeon dance, or even me just being myself. Grrr... It makes me mad, why can't I be a more 'likeable' person. Someone who's more skilled in social interaction... someone who's charming and courteous... Someone who my siblings could look up to... I try so hard, but it seems like I can't alter my own personality...
... Which means I'm stuck being an a** hole for the rest of my life... which means I will get exactly what I deserve... which sucks major a**!
*Sigh*
Oookay.. that sigh was more of a grunt just so you know.
You know... It seems I can't even sit down for a second without someone needing something. Why can't they just leave me alone and solve their own problems... if kool-aid is spilled all over the kitchen floor, all you have to do is mop it up. You don't need to get me off my fat a** to hobble around the kitchen doing it for you.
My ankle hurts. My heart hurts. My ego aches. My world, crushed.
and it's all because of you.
Now I have to move me and my lovely bag-o-ice up to my bedroom to study before I have to do that lovely presentation for wonderful robotics.
Stupid studying... stupid robotics... and stupid world.
There's only one way for it all to end.. unfortunately, I'm too young to die.
Though, I am seriously considering Catholic school next year.. as I do every year at about this time... things and people would just be so much nicer.
List of things I love:
Quote:
1. Band
2. Friends
3. Family
4. Singing
5. Happiness
OH MY GOD...
Daddy just told me the greatest thing in the whole world. He said that Lori doesn't think that they should see eachother any more because their kids don't like eachother.
Oh happy day.. I hope she breaks it off for good this time. If not, it'll be the fourth time (maybe more) that daddy has been dumped by that b***h.
Okay... Japanese test tomorrow. I have to talk to guidance about NHS. and to Mr. Watkins about driving. Two months until I have my license.. hopefully.
Then I'll be able to drive to second band camp... Grrr. It makes me mad that some people are quitting band just because of the Mullinator... I mean, if everyone who dissagreed with the way she runs things were to quit, the THS band would consist of only a flute or two. Now, if they were quitting because they hated band, all I have to say is, be my guest because I know what it's like to be involved in things that you can't stand but have no way out. Besides, it'll make band a whole lot nicer for the rest of us, so go away kylene... "I f-ing hate band" girl... how dare she speak such blasphemous things around me. She makes me sick.
Hmm, I'm thinking of buying a big floppy sun hat for band camp. I am sick and tired of being burned ever year. And the lovely marks of pale skin left around my eyes from my glasses make me look like a freaking raccoon.
And, hopefully, by the time band camp roles around, I won't have this huge gut on me and I'll be able to wear my summer tank tops... which currentally come way too close to my big ole belly. Though, it's really hard... lately I've been cramming so much chocolate down my throat, it makes me want to cry. And chocolate is supposed to be my antidepressant.
*sigh*
Okay, I can only distract myself for so long...
But I must say, it's nice to come home and just b***h my head off. I get sick and tired of holding all of my emotions in at school.
Heh, I feel bad for poor Liz. She sees me first thing in the morning when I am still making the transition between bitter, sullen home-alisha and happy, smiling, fake school-alisha.
Fake, fake, fake, fake, fake....
In the immortal words of Pinocchio, "I want to be a real (person)" -[[changed from boy to suit my female self]]
Someday, when I am a lonely, bitter old hag, I sit back and remember my childhood and what a loser I was. ... . and still am/will be.
Wooookay, funky verb tense there.
I pray to God that I am not doing as horribly in school as I have calculated, and that many things look up and start getting better.
Please God... please...
