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Why do I even bother trying to get to know people? I just let my stupid ******** up bull s**t get in the way. Days like yesterday make me wish I were dead. I really don't think I'm every meant to have groups of friends or have long lasting friends. I really think I'm meant to be one of those people that pop in for a while, help you with whatever then disappear. Thats just how it seems to happen. Even though thats what I believe I know its not true.

Why do I even try to step out of my box? I should just stick to what I know, and what I know is solitary confinement. I shouldn't have agreed to hang out with Kelly and Natalie yesterday it was a disaster on my part. Those two are so so so so close it was intimidating. I hate being and feeling like the third wheel. I hate going to hang out with people that are close friends it makes me feel like I'm just there. Its hard to get to know people when everyone else already knows everything. Normally I would have just sat there and not said a word but since I'm moving to a whole new state I've been forcing myself out of my comfort zone and trying to get out of that habit. I tried to talk and make conversation but i don't know... I just lack social skills and confidence.

I was doing okay until we went shopping. They two of them are so tiny and cute. It was too hot so we went shopping so Natalie could get a tank top. I wanted to maybe get something too since the clothes were cheap and cute and I'm trying to look more presentable but the store doesn't carry my size. Well, they do, but its in old womens clothes. Just because I'm fat doesn't mean that I shouldn't dress my age. I'm 21 for the love of Zeus! I'm ready to grow up and have a good time! I want to make friends and hang out! I want to make memories! I want to make impressions!

I want to ******** rip myself apart! Every part of me! Just hand full by hand full my nails will cut into my flesh and pull me apart until I'm bleeding on the floor waiting to my body to heal its self hoping for a different form to take over this one. This.. mess that I call a body. my disgusting cottage cheese thighs... I'm so fat I don't have rolls, I have whole loafs of bread and my fat is rolling behind my knees so I handles on the back of my knees.

to be tiny, thin, and cute... there is nothing i wouldn't give for that... to be able to wear cute clothes. not having to worry if everyone can see me jiggle when i walk. worrying if my gut is hanging out of my shirt when i go to put my hair up. to not have to wear tights under a skit because with out them my huge thighs rub together and give me a rash. to be able to get a piggy back ride form Stephen. to have him pick me up and carry me around. oh god... what i wouldn't give for that!

doctors won't let me diet until I'm okay with myself. but how can i be okay with myself until i get read of this sickening weight? If I can't be skinny fine, ******** you, but I at least me smooth? I don't think it would bother me so much if i didn't look like cottage cheese.

its not just the outside i hate, i hate the inside as well. Why must I always play the part of the big dumb oaf? My parents are always telling me how intelligent and wise I am, but when I look back on myself I'm a complete ******** idiot. how do I feel good about myself when I can't find any good in me? And even the few things I do like, I want to change.

Stephens says that I need to be around someone that loves me and that can tell me that I'm great constantly. but he's only saying that because he loves me for some strange reason. and he can't even tell me why he does. i know thats such a broad question... but give me something besides my butt, hips, smile, and thighs. That didn't make you fall for me, you had no idea what I looked like until I sent you that picture. When he says stuff like that it makes me feel like he's only here for my body even though thats just me being stupid. he's always telling me how sexy I am. I never thought I'd complain about hearing things like that and how he loves these things I wish I didn't have. I wish he'd tell me that I was beautiful more often that would mean more to me. But I guess in order to get the lead role in the play, you have to be able to act the part.

I'm starting to panic. i can't breath. why isn't he here to save me from these thoughts?! why is he letting me torture myself so badly?! why isn't he here to save me?! I'm so lightheaded right now! Why do this to myself?!

i can't do anything with out you Stephen! i need you to save me! oh god i miss you so much! you don't know what it does to me when you aren't here! i need you here to help me. there is to much pressure. the weight of everything is crushing me alive! Just hold my hand! Just hold my hand for a minute and I will be fine!

to be able to see how you look at me. thats what I need right now.

i was so looking forward to yesterday... i tried on eight different outfits. i was so excited! then I went and ******** my self. I don't want to face them again. they think I'm to weird... they don't want to see me again. why did they invite me?

i should just lock myself in my room with my video games, anime, and manga. lock myself in my fantasy world and not deal with anything.

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