Thinking is dangerous. -.-
Lately I've been having these strange thoughts. Well. I do all the time but now its like...weird. Someone who I never really thought about gave up their life just for me. I hate myself right now. I dont know what to do or where to turn. The confusion got me lost. All I want to do is escape in my dreams...I never want to wake up. I wish that if I went to sleep some how some way, when I wake up everything'll be okay... This amazingly twisted demension has got me going crazy. I just want it all to be over. Have you ever thought that maybe...theres a better place out there? Well...I dont. -.- This is all we have. We have to make due with it. If we dont like it we might as well die. Thats the truth. during all my years spent with that person has thought me a lesson. The point of life is to be happy. People try to achieve their goals because thay want to. It makes them happy to. Everyone seem to want happiness weather its in money, love, friendship, etc. Then again, Everyone has someone to make them happy while they achieve their goals. Everyone got someone to keep them happy forever. They just dont know it yet... To me it seems as happiness will never be my ending. I'll end, bury in other people's sorrow, cursed with my piscean nature. I tell myself that I just have to accept it but I cant. Some time I think...Hey. I believe that being yourself is the best way to go but...what if you dont like yourself and change...? People say thats bad but then....what if...your mind is corrupted and you change that? Is it still bad? I've figured it now, There is no such thing as good or bad. There is humane and inhumane but no such thing as good or bad. One thing can be good for you but bad for others. There are things that are bad for you and good for others. Then theres things that are inhumane and humane. Because we are humans we concider these "good doings" humane and these "bad doings" inhumane. All this confuses me but its what I learned and I'm going to hold on to what ever bit of knowledge I have... It'll come in handy when I run into trouble with the human mind.
Everyone has a problem they think is the worst thing in the world. When you try to talk to them they call you an outsider and that you'll never understand. That's what hurts me the most. How would they know if I understood or not? They've never been in my mind befor. They dont know that we all suffer some kind of emotional problem...and it all just feels that same way. No matter what it is theres always that feeling of a broken heart. The one that feels like something's tugging and pulling. The unbearable feeling that something or someone is squeezing at your heart. That's the feeling that most people feel when they think no one else would understand.Sometimes I sit there thinking...That's impossible. No one in the world knows how I feel. None of them has ever been cursed with this problem. No one has had their heart ripped out and threw in a blender just because someone you once love is engaged at such a young age. They never had to suffer the fact that ther person engaged love them back but has to go off and marry a stranger. Although I think that sometimes...It's over now. I'm older and understand more. I act like a kid only because I want to keep my happiness. When people tell me I dont understand how they feel, I get that same feeling of the heart being torn apart. I'm not exactally sure why but no one has ever said that to me but Haku. He eventually understood and now he's the only person who can imitate my every process of mind. He's my best friend but he's no longer with us. I hate drama and it happens everyday of my life...I'm oblivious to love. I hate it so much I ignore it to the point where I wouldnt know it if it hugged me in the arm. -.-;; There was this kid once...he always clinged onto me and hugged me and stuff...but I was oblivious. I thought it was just an "emo thing". Conciedering he was "emo"...or atleast a fake emo....-.- On the bus every morning he'd hug on to my arm and fall asleep. It usually takes us about 30 minutes to get to school on the speeding bus. Then after school on the way home he's play with my hand or my hair. He'd always sit extreamly close to me too. I thought he was just being friendly. -.- I let him do it because I was just being a friend back at him. After he moved away he told me the truth. I was surprised and wanted to die knowing that I was so stupid and oblivious. I always complained to him about all the guys starting to ask me out after I started dateing someone else. I'd always complain that they wait until the last minute to ask me when its too late. But I didnt know...When he told me I knid of broke inside...and there was that uncanny feeling again...the squeezing of the heart. I felt what he felt when I complained to him about the other humans. Now everytime I think about it again, I get that heart killer feeling. It only last for about a second but it kills little by little. Then I think about it more...all the people hurt by my player ways. When I used to date people just to see if their fun and if they wernt I'd just dump them like garbage once I get bored. cry I stopped because of that but it's part of me. An innocent player...-.- The one who looks like a cute little girl but actually enjoys dateing people just for fun. I dont want to be like that. Something inside me keep doing it though...I'd suddenly dump my current for no explainable reason... It's not that I dont like them but I keep doing it. -.- I dont want to hurt anymore people. I try not to date them but I feel bad for saying no so I do...but then...I think about it again. I dont want to hurt them...so I let them go find the one who they really love. The one who wont suddenly dump them for no apparent reason. -.- There are some who i do really like though but for some reason my mind keeps slipping. I Hate myself. I'm dangerous. I dont want people to get hurt anymore. -.- But they keep comming. They keep trying and trying. I push them away but they just laugh. I feel too small because of them, I have to stand up for myself. It makes me seem like a leader but I dont want to be. I dont have any intensions of being one. I just want to be me. No group no trouble.
Thinking is dangerous for you...-.- With all the thinking I've done I should know. -.-
BaoNa Community Member 
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