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Okay, for yesterday I'm going to have to sum it up, Goldy walked to school with me! Ya! *dances* We did morning practice, after that was band, where we all goofed off, then tutorial where I sat in my corner, then off to A.P. history, i got a 100 on the test thing, recorded the lecture, had a talk with the teacher, at lunch the area where we eat lunch got flooded, so I played around in that till I was soaked to my waist, and wet everywhere else. Travis came late, but that's okay I guess. After that was math, blah blah blah. After school Joey, Tony, and I went to the park, we had some pizza, then Joey and I walked over to the football field, we were the first people there, we waited a bit, Joey got me a soda *hugs* Thanks Joey! ^^ At the game a giant pelican just flew in onto the field and was just cool with it, he stopped the game for a bit, but hanged around and watched the game after that for a bit. I went out with the band and we did our songs and danced our dance, The shimmy shammy shang! blaugh
Today I went to the movies, saw Balls of fury. Travis called and invited me to the dance, I had to run it through my parents since I have been out a bit late at night lately, they wanted to make sure there would be no mistakes. I started to doubt myself, I got scared, I really wanted to spend time with Travis, yet I didn't want to go to the dance. Was it worth it? I remembered all my other bad mistakes, I guess I decided it wasnt worth it and someone called and told him I had to cancel. I did. I guess I decided it was a two to one set up. One, I really wanted to hang out with Travis, but it was a dance, so it really wouldn't be the two of us. It would be fun, I know, but I just wouldn't be up for that right now. This is that cycle where I like hanging out with people one on one, or at least in smaller groups. Like Kat coming over and hanging out in my room studding, or going to the library everyday after school with Joey for two hours, or going to the movies with Goatty or one or two of my other friends. I just didn't want to be in that crowded of an area right now, and at night? It wasnt worth the dice. I probably could have gone no problem, but I just wouldn't have that much fun. I did make me happy though that he asked! ^^ That was nice of him! Yet I just would have much rather preferred the movies or a walk or something, like I said earlier, this night wasn't a crowd night, not worth the dice. Hope he has fun though!


I remember sitting there, looking out over the trees watching them fight, I remember them screaming, screaming. I have never screamed, no I lied, I'm a lie, I have screamed, but it always makes it worse. Fear, fear is silence, that's why I talk, don't let the silence in, or you'll hear things you don't want to, you'll hear fear. Tears, they were streaming down my face. That I remember, i have cried, God have I cried! All the time, it is weakness, I know, but that is something I can not help. I remember him standing there, looking down at me, saying it was going to be all right, that they were going to stop soon, I remember R.P. I think he was scared to, watching this. P.O., he was okay, he, I think he laughed and said something like this is what we signed up for, this is what it was all about. Not for me, I just wanted to be separate, I wanted to be away from the real world, have a story, do something different, but should people die, lose there story for mine? I remember a friend, watching him laugh one day, talk about the as if it was a joke, a game, I use to think that to, sometimes I still do, nothing was wrong with him, bright sun. Next day, when it happened, it didn't even rain, nothing, nothing at all, just the sun was as bright as normal. No rain. Shouldn't it rain when something like that happens? Or go dark? How can the sun shine like that? I remember walking in -Walmart, for food, and walking out, the faces, there are faces on the wall, 'missing' I remember when I use to just walk by, not knowing one, a different world. I remember recognizing one, seeing his face again, he was smiling, I remember that, it wasn't real, I stared, I just stared at it for a second, his face again in black and white there where some words, numbers, and phone number, I stared at them, memorized them, mother, she asked what was wrong -nothing- as soon as I got home I went upstairs, it still didn't hit me, I wrote down the number so I wouldn't forget. It was on my desk for a week, I stared at them. Should I call? Say something? Would it even matter... for weeks, every time I walked by I saw his face again, watching, as if begging me to say something.. or nothing... months later, they took it down, his face no more, no longer alive even in that walmart. Should I call? Or would i just bring something, more pain, up for others, should I say something, tell them his story? Let them know what happened? I remember recognizing more and more faces as time went by.. I remember learning names I had never know, it was odd, these people being dragged over to this world of mine, they were from the other, inside it, not part of it, but here it was, real. I remember long ago, when I could walk right by, and not know a face, now I go by and remember there laugh, there stories. Each one, seeing there birth name, I tried thinking of that person as a 'John' or a 'Sam' , it didn't work, I remember there name, the one that I knew them by, I guess by there lie. Would I one day be just a face on that wall? Would R.P., Goatty, or one of them one day walk by and see my face, see my real name and wonder, remember? Now, I have learned to walk by and look oer all those face, just quick and casual, like I know now, but I always do it. I remember W.T. how he use to be, it was hard, took so long to remember him.. isn't it odd, that someone we know for so long as someone can be forgotten and replaced so quickly for but a second of there dead, burned, screaming face? Why do I remember that, instead of his smile, why his scream and not his laugh, why that bloody burnt ant covered skin instead of his fair sun strong freckled face? why that matted collection of gash and pins instead of his lions main of a hair? Why? Why do I remember that gasp for air, that bloody gurgle, instead of the stories, his voice laughing or cheering? I remember sitting in my room, and knowing someone was there, hearing that gun click and not screaming, having no voice, I remember fear, for no reason, behind me, I remember running, running and bones. I remember air, so close yet so far. I look at my skin. Marked. I see lines on my arm, no mark, just the skin going up a bit, in a line, as if still pushing against the thin wire that held me. i remember seeing that knife, seeing blood, and not screaming. I remember being in a movie theaters with him, him touching me, not stopping, I remember being so close to other people, but saying nothing. I remember walking through those dark cement stairs beneath the cool earth, trying to read the words sprayed onto the walls, silently walking down those halls in the middle of no where, hiding in dark corners when I was to scared to move. I remember silence, running, hearing them get closer and closer, hiding, my breath and heart so loud, beating, breathing, with each grasp at life, I gambled my own with such loud sounds. I remember him standing before me, one person, two person, sun rise, sun set, raising a sword, club, stick, blade and coming at me as people cheered and bets were raised. I remember being the only girl. Standing there, proud? I remember sitting in that branch facing those trees and remember W.T. under me, I remember thinking I could still talk to him. I remember hearing the wind, the words it sang. I remember the frustration, in those trees behind those bodies, I remember the rage, the sorrow, the madness that filled me, no scream. I could never scream, that was taken from me. I remember being so filled up with so many emotions, overflowing, something inside growing, ripping inside, then howling, it all had pushed up, darting forth, throwing my head back and letting it all out in one long howl, I remember feeling it all leave me, going, fading, then black. I remember being told I was ugly, worthless, a liar, no one would ever listen to me. I remember hiding in the corner of my room, I remember leaning with my back against my door, listening to the yelling behind it, hearing the fighting and the breaking. I remember Chris, holding me, fighting him trying to get away, not screaming, I remember him touching, not stopping, I remember trying to get away, I remember not saying no, I never could, never could say no, never could scream. But I can cry, and God I have. I remember trying to keep it all inside me, mother yelling that it was a lie, that they would believe her over me, I was just a child, she an adult. I remember looking down at the paper, holding a pen, looking at the page without ink, but pushed into it with an ink less pen point was letters, letter after letter, h e l p, h e l p, capitalized over and over again h e l p. What did it mean, I remember staring at it for hours, watching, then crying, it was a word, it was an actual word, it meant something, and I didn't know, it was there, the frustration. I remember then screaming, I remember feeling nothing. I remember turning from God, saying I was never going to pray again. I remember nothing. I remember watching as I said words, I remember being told I was but one of many within one. That I was never alone. I remember sitting alone, and releasing another was with me also, outside me. I remember sitting in the dark, long ago, the one time I asked for help, -mother, I'm scared- I remember knowing that if I said that they would know where I was, but the chance for light, and I remember no one coming. Never scream. Never ask, never say a fear, ask for , it's pointless, no one will come, you will just give away your location. I remember sitting there, staring at my cell phone, and realising I was alone, I would always be. I remember being yelled at that I was worthless. I remember mother yelling, throwing cans. I remember trying to talk to her, and her just turning up the volume on the T.V. I remember wonder if someone really did care, and knowing no one did. I remember crying, for so long. I remember sitting up in that tree, facing the wind and talking to him, he wasn't there, but could he hear me? He was my only friend, but this was where he died, the closest I could get to him, was it close enough? I remember smiling, and crying inside, would they know? It was a game, how long can I smile and cry inside with out anyone knowing? Forever. I remember silence, knowing not to say anything, no one will listen, I remember wondering, how can one stay in one place, I remember wanting to run, just run forever. I remember when I use to believe someone would magically know what was wrong, someone would magically give a dahm what happened in my life and would care. I remember mother locking me away, I remember hunger, pain. I remember him charging into my room, I remember being scared to leave my room, being scared to get food or water, but feeling such huger and thirst. I remember being given those two keys in that bone covered building in the desert in the middle of no where, knowing I had to make a chose. Each identical is design, one short and think for love, caring, and strength, one long and thin for , I remember standing in front of my mirror, taking each key one at a time and holding them up to my reflections forehead and turning the key. I remember trying to keep both of them, instead of choosing, running, running, and losing the necklace, losing both keys, I went home dismayed, then, as I entered my room, found one had decided to stay. The long thin one. I remember staring at my sharpened nails and digging them into my flesh and dragging them across in a long line, watching skin turn red, bloody red, and feeling nothing, staring at this long red mark, then scratching again, again again and again across my whole body till it was aglow in red. Then looking in horror as the meaningless scribbles glowed with new meaning and lines bend and curved to show pictures, symboles. I remember I use to be ashamed of my hands. I remember the pain, the fiery pain that would make my hands swell and unusable, each day, over and over, always again till they healed, then again and again, why didn't they ever stop? till now they are forever swollen, I remember being forced to watch them be bent in odd directions, caring for them after words, trying to make them usable, now, I still try to hide them. I remember being curled up in a ball, hidden in my room late with a silver dagger close to me, ears perked for any sound, away in fear the whole night. I remember, that lonely feeling that is always there. broken bones and frozen blood. Cold, always cold. Is that why I like hugs so much? maybe it's to steal warmth...To put my heart near another's, will they feel my pain to? I remember hugging him, heart to heart, and feeling cold, pain, that raw sorrow, he just looked at me with those eyes. I remember hugging her, back then, before I knew, and feeling her pain and hatred, it was so strong... I remember hugging them here, in this 'world' and feeling nothing. Why was it different out there? Their it's a heart to heart, here its just skin to skin. Is it trees magic? Friends, love, I know it's not real, so why do i still think that? My heart and hope has been broken to many times, I have none, yet it is still there. I guess I was just given to much. Even I don't believe in it anymore. yet some part of me still dreams, still hopes for better things. I'm just glad... for what? Some part still has that foolish childish dream that someone will magically know what is wrong, what to say. Someone is going to just come along and hold me, tell me everything is going to be all right. Face it, this is life, this is the real world, it's not going to. Life is how it is. Yet I still think there is time, yet if there is would I have not found it by now? Who, tell me who the ******** would go up to some ******** up, ugly girl and mess up his life to try and make her feel better? no bloody b*****d is going to go out of his way, but himself in an emotional tornado just to make some worthless b***h feel 'okay' for a bloody minute. It's not going to happen, get over it. That kind of stuff isn't even meant for movies, pay your way through life, open your own doors, hold your head high and just smile it off. No one has to know. Not like they would care, who would care? What is there to care about, nothing, I'm fine. Life is good.