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I feel like my head is going to explode.

I don't feel welcome at home.

Because of him. I ******** hate him. Why can't he just ******** go away? My mom doesn't need him, and neither do I. He's just dead weight.

So, I can't go home.

Here, I feel like s**t. I can't always go on the computer like I like to. There is so much ******** dust and animal hair that I can never breathe through my nose. There isn't any allergy medicinehere. I don't eat here, either, just because no one reminds me to.

So I can't stay here.

Where else can I go? I don't have friends who know everything about me and would understand why I would want to be at their house, and would actually let me.

Really, I don't have friends I can hang out with at all. Either it's a big effort for both of us to try to get to see each other, I can't hang out with them at all, or I just can't make myself do it.

Am I lazy? Yeah, I guess I am.

My head is throbbing, just above my left eye, near my temple. It hurts.

I'm not good at making decisions. If neither option makes me happy and doesn't hurt anyone else, I start to freak out. If I can't make a choice, I break down and cry. Then I have to go with the one that keeps me unhappy but makes someone else happy. How selfish.

I wish I wasn't fat. I wish I didn't have to feel like a freak whenever I sat at a desk in school. I wish I had learned better eating habits when I was younger. I wish I had better self control. I wish I like to exercise or play sports.

I wish I wasn't different. It causes me pain. I'm one person, fighting against almost everyone else, because they want me to be like them. So what if a lot of the things people do don't make sense? They seem so happy, compared to me. Even if it's a facade, I want it. I want to be one of the smiling dolls that can just easily buy friends.

Am I thinking clearly? I don't know.

I don't believe in God. Nothing has ever given me any reason to, except for people and a book written by people. I'm sorry if I'm skeptical. If you believe in God, or any other term you may use, then I encourage it. Those are your beliefs and I will never try to change them. Just please realize that my beliefs should not be what you judge me on. I can discuss religion and topics of the like with you, just don't shove your views down my throat.

I wish life was easier. I'm only fourteen. Am I supposed to feel like this already? I'm supposed to have my whole life. Will every day be just like this? It's not worth it.

I wish I wasn't conscious. I'm only happy when I sleep, when decisions are made for me. It's so easy to enjoy, even if it's a nightmare.

What should I do?

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