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KEEPING BECAUSE MONTY PYTHON IS AWESOME



Please Read This Bit Before Reading The Screenplay:



This is the official 'Unoffical' Monty Python And The Holy Grail screenplay.
This file contains the script as it was on March 20 1974, before filming took
place. There are many minor differences from what appears here and what
ended up on the screen.
This file also contains cut scenes and lines from the film.


I tried to preserve as much of the screenplay as possible but it isn't
easy to cross out a section and pencil in new dialogue, in ASCII.
Any Scene or dialogue that was crossed out begins with a "|" before it.
Anything Penciled in has a "+", I also put cut information before penciled in.


What is interesting about a screenplay is to see what they threw out and
what "Catch Phrases" were literally penciled in. The reason I keyed in
this file was caused by me downloading current transcript going
around internet. It was an amazing job... I wouldn't want to have attempted
what he did... But it wasn't in a good script format and I didn't like how
direction was written in. Since I HAD the real screenplay I thought...
What the hell!


After This I plan to key in "Monty Python's Second Film" it is the 1st draft
of the Holy Grail. It is the script that eventually got canabalized into
sketches for the 4th season of Python. It Is sill quite different and well
worth a read. is anybody interested in it?????


Oh yes... I will STRESS this fact once more... THIS IS A SCREENPLAY... So
don't yell at me if a line is paraphrased in the film... This is what was
written before filming took place and it is still quite accurate.


Enough of this...


-Grue (09-Aug-92)


P.S. TO AHH: DON'T YOU KNOW WHO CONNIE BOOTH OR CAROL CLEVELAND IS?!?!?!
AND DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT GRAHAM CHAPMAN SOUNDS LIKE?!?!?! Sorry I just had to
say that... As the complete and total b*****d that I am.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


MONTY PYTHON

AND THE HOLY GRAIL



Screenplay by


JOHN CLEESE
GRAHAM CHAPMAN
TERRY GILLIAM
ERIC IDLE
TERRY JONES
MICHAEL PALIN








FINAL DRAFT 20.3.74.



-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL" Reel 1 (1A) Page 1

00.01 is the first action frame

which is 391.00 before the first

Clear Cut, which is Scene 4



Sc Spot

No. Complete DIALOGUE No. Start End Ftge.

------------------------- --------------------------




-------------------------------------------------------------------------------




1 EXTERIOR - CASTLE WALLS - DAY



Mist. Several seconds of it swirling about. silence

possibly, atmospheric music. SUPERIMPOSE "England AD 787".

after a few more seconds we hear hoofbeats in the distance.

They come slowly closer. Then out of the mist comes KING ARTHUR

followed by a SERVANT who is banging two half coconuts

together. ARTHUR raises his hand.





Whoa there!



SERVANT makes noises of horses halting, with a flourish. ARTHUR

peers through the mist. CUT TO shot from over his shoulder:

castle (e.g. Bodium) rising out of the mist. On the castle

battlements a SOLDIER is dimly seen. He peers down.





Halt! Who goes there?





It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle

of Camelot. King of all Britons, defeator of the Saxons,

sovereign of all England!



Pause.





Get away!





I am... And this my trusty servant, Patsy. We have ridden the

length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join

our court at Camelot.. I must speak with your lord and master.





What? Ridden on a horse?





Yes!





You're using coconuts!





...What?





You've got two empty halves of coconuts and you're banging

them together.





(Scornfully)

So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this

land, through the kingdom of Mercea.





Where did you get the coconuts?





Through ... We found them.





Found them? In Mercea. The coconut's tropical!





What do you mean?





Well, this is a temperate zone.





The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin

or the plover seek warmer hot lands in winter, yet these are

not strangers to our land.





Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?





Not at all. They could be carried.





What? A swallow carrying a coconut?



|

| Why not?

|

|

| I'll tell you why not ... because a swallow is about eight

| inches long and weighs five ounces, and you'd be lucky

| to find a coconut under a pound.

|





It could grip it by the husk ...





It's not a question of where he grips it, It's a simple

matter of weight - ratios ... A five-ounce bird could not

hold a a one pound coconut.





Well, it doesn't matter. Go and tell your master that

Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.



A Slight pause. Swirling mist. Silence.



centerSOLDIER

Look! To maintain Velocity, a swallow needs to beat

its wings four hundred and ninety three times every

second. right?





(irritated)

Please!





Am I right?





I'm not interested.





(who has loomed up on the battlements)

It could be carried by an African swallow!





Oh yes! An African swallow maybe ... but not a European

swallow. that's my point.





Oh yes, I agree there ...





(losing patience)

Will you ask your master if he wants to join the Knights

of Camelot?!





But then of course African swallows are non-migratory.





Oh yes.



ARTHUR raises his eyes heavenwards and nods to PATSY. They turn

and go off into the mist.





So they wouldn't be able to bring a coconut back anyway.







Wait a minute! Suppose two swallows carried it together?





No, they'd have to have it on a line.



Stillness. Silence again.





2 ANIMATION/LIVE ACTION SEQUENCE - DEATH AND DEVASTATION



CUT TO Terry Gilliam's sequence of Brueghel prints. Sounds of

strange medieval music. Discordant and sparse. Wailings and

groanings. The last picture mixes through into live action.

BIG CLOSE UP of contorted face upside down. A leg falls across

it. Creaking noise. The bodies lurch away from CAMERA to

reveal they are amongst a huge pile of bodies on a swaying cart

that is lumbering away from CAMERA. It is pulled by a couple of

ragged, dirty emaciated WRETCHES. Behind the cart walks another

MAN who looks slightly more prosperous, but only on the scale

of complete and utter impoverishment. He wears a black hood and

looks sinister.





Bring out your dead!



We follow the cart through a wretched, impoverished plague-ridden

village. A few starved mongrels run about in the mud scavenging.

In the open doorway of one house perhaps we jug glimpse a pair of

legs dangling from the ceiling. In another doorway an OLD WOMAN

is beating a cat against a wall rather like one does with a mat.

The cart passes round a dead donkey or cow in the mud. And a MAN

tied to a cart is being hammered to death by four NUNS with

huge mallets.







Bring out your dead!



There are legs stick out of windows and doors. Two MEN are fighting

in the mud - covered from head to foot in it. Another MAN is on his

hands in knees shovelling mud into his mouth. We just catch

sight of a MAN falling into a well.



CART DRIVER

Bring out your dead!



LARGE MAN

Here's one!



CART DRIVER

Ninepence.



BODY

I'm not dead!



CART DRIVER

What?



LARGE MAN

Nothing... There's your ninepence.



BODY

I'm not dead!



CART DRIVER

'Ere. He says he's not dead.



LARGE MAN

Yes he is.



BODY

I'm not!



CART DRIVER

He isn't.



LARGE MAN

He will be soon. He's very ill.



BODY

I'm getting better!



LARGE MAN

You're not. You'll be stone dead in a few minutes.



CART DRIVER

I can't take him like this. It's against regulations.



BODY

I don't want to go on the cart.



LARGE MAN

Don't be such a baby.



CART DRIVER

I can't take him.



BODY

I feel fine.



LARGE MAN

Do me a favour.



CART DRIVER

I can't.



LARGE MAN

Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes. He won't

be long.



CART DRIVER

I promised I'd be at the Robinson's. They've lost nine

today.



LARGE MAN

When's your next round?



CART DRIVER

Thursday.



BODY

I think I'll go for a walk.



LARGE MAN

You're not fooling anyone you know.

(to CART DRIVER)

Isn't there anything you could do?



BODY

(singing unrecognisably)

I feel happy... I feel happy.



The CART DRIVER looks at the LARGE MAN for a moment. Then they both

do a quick furtive look up and down the street. The CART DRIVER

very swiftly brings up a club and hits the OLD MAN. (Out of shot

but the singing stops after a loud bonk noise.)



LARGE MAN

(handing over the money at last)

Thanks very much.



CART DRIVER

That's all right. See you on Thursday.



They turn ... Suddenly all the village fall to their knees, touching

forelocks etc. ARTHUR and PATSY ride into SHOT, slightly nose to

the air, they ride through without acknowledging anybody. After

they pass, the LARGE MAN turns to the CART DRIVER.



LARGE MAN

Who's that then?



CART DRIVER

(Grudgingly)

I dunno, Must be a king.



LARGE MAN

Why?



CART DRIVER

He hasn't got s**t all over him.





3 EXTERIOR - DAY



ARTHUR and PATSY riding. They stop and look. We see a castle in the

distance, and before it a PEASANT is working away on his knees trying

to dig up the earth with his bare hands and a twig. ARTHUR and

PATSY ride up, and stop before the PEASANT



ARTHUR

Old woman!



DENNIS

Man!



ARTHUR

Man. I'm sorry. Old man, What knight live in that castle

over there?



DENNIS

I'm thirty-seven.



ARTHUR

What?



DENNIS:

I'm thirty-seven ... I'm not old.



ARTHUR:

Well - I can't just say: "Hey, Man!'



DENNIS

Well you could say: "Dennis"



ARTHUR

I didn't know you were called Dennis.



DENNIS

You didn't bother to find out, did you?



ARTHUR

I've said I'm sorry about the old woman, but from the behind

you looked ...



DENNIS

What I object to is that you automatically treat me like

an inferior ...



ARTHUR

Well ... I AM king.



DENNIS

Oh, very nice. King, eh! I expect you've got a palace and fine

clothes and courtiers and plenty of food. And how d'you get that?

By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist

dogma which perpetuates the social and economic differences in our

society! If there's EVER going to be any progress ...



An OLD WOMAN appears.



OLD WOMAN

Dennis! There's some lovely filth down here ... Oh!

how d'you do?



ARTHUR

How d'you do, good lady ... I am Arthur, King of the Britons ...

can you tell me who lives in that castle?



OLD WOMAN

King of the WHO?



ARTHUR

The Britons.



OLD WOMAN

Who are the Britons?



ARTHUR

All of us are ... we are all Britons.



DENNIS winks at the OLD WOMAN.



... and I am your king ....



OLD WOMAN

Ooooh! I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were

an autonomous collective ...



DENNIS

You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship,

A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes ...



OLD WOMAN

There you are, bringing class into it again ...



DENNIS

That's what it's all about ... If only -



ARTHUR

Please, please good people. I am in haste. What knight lives in

that castle?



OLD WOMAN

No one live there.



ARTHUR

Well, who is your lord?



OLD WOMAN

We don't have a lord.



ARTHUR

What?



DENNIS

I told you, We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune, we take

it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.



ARTHUR

Yes.



DENNIS

... But all the decision of that officer ...



ARTHUR

Yes, I see.



DENNIS

... must be approved at a bi-weekly meeting by a simple majority

in the case of purely internal affairs.



ARTHUR

Be quiet!



DENNIS

... but a two-thirds majority ...



ARTHUR

Be quiet! I order you to shut up.



OLD WOMAN

Order, eh -- who does he think he is?



ARTHUR

I am your king!



OLD WOMAN

Well, I didn't vote for you.



ARTHUR

You don't vote for kings.



OLD WOMAN

Well, how did you become king, then?



ARTHUR

The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite,

held Excalibur aloft from the bosom of the water to signify by

Divine Providence ... that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur ...

That is why I am your king!

|

| OLD WOMAN

| Is Frank in? He'd be able to deal with this one.

|

DENNIS

Look, strange women lying on their backs in ponds handing out

swords ... that's no basis for a system of government. Supreme

executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from

some farcical aquatic ceremony.



ARTHUR

Be quiet!



DENNIS

You can't expect to wield supreme executive power

just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!



ARTHUR

Shut up!



DENNIS

I mean, if I went around saying I was an Emperor because some

moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, people would

put me away!



ARTHUR

(Grabbing him by the collar)

Shut up, will you. Shut up!



DENNIS

Ah! NOW ... we see the violence inherent in the system.



ARTHUR

Shut up!



PEOPLE (i.e. other PEASANTS) are appearing and watching.



DENNIS

(calling)

Come and see the violence inherent in the system.

Help, help, I'm being repressed!



ARTHUR

(aware that people are now coming out and watching)

Bloody peasant!

(pushes DENNIS over into mud and prepares to ride off)



DENNIS

Oh, Did you hear that! What a give-away.



ARTHUR

Come on, patsy.



They ride off.



DENNIS

(in the background as we PULL OUT)

did you see him repressing me, then? That's what I've

been on about ...





4 EXTERIOR - FOREST - DAY



MIX THROUGH to ARTHUR and PATSY riding through the forest. They pass rune

stones. We TRACK with them. CLOSE-UPS of their faces as they ride.

MIX to another TRACKING SHOT of them riding through the forest. They

come to a clearing and stop, looking ahead intently. Their eyes light up.



Sound FX of fight.



CUT TO their eyeline. A clearing on the other side of which is a rough

wooden foot-bridge across a stream. At the start of the bridge a

tremendous fight is going on. A huge BLACK KNIGHT in black armour, his

face totally masked in a visor, is fighting a slightly smaller KNIGHT in

green armour. (Perhaps the GREEN KNIGHT's armour is identical to the

BLACK KNIGHT's save for the colour.)



CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and PATSY. They watch, growing more impressed

as they watch the fight.



CUT BACK TO the fight. The GREEN KNIGHT lunges at the BLACK KNIGHT, who

avoids the blow with a skillful side-step and parry, knocking the sword

out of the GREEN KNIGHT's hand.



CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and PATSY even more impressed.



CUT BACK TO the fight. The GREEN KNIGHT has drawn out a particularly nasty

mace or spiked ball and chain, much longer than the BLACK KNIGHT's sword.



ARTHUR narrows his eyes, wondering whether the BLACK KNIGHT will survive.



CUT BACK to the fight. The GREEN KNIGHT swings at the BLACK KNIGHT, who

ducks under the first swing, leaps over the second and starts to close

on the GREEN KNIGHT.



CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and PATSY watching like a tennis match. Sound FX of the

fight reaching a climax. Four almighty clangs. Then Silence.



CUT BACK to see the GREEN KNIGHT stretched out. The BLACK KNIGHT

sheathes his sword.



ARTHUR looks at PATSY. Nods and they move forward.



CUT BACK TO the BLACK KNIGHT picking up the GREEN KNIGHT above his head

and hurling him into the river. ARTHUR and PATSY approach him.



ARTHUR

You fight with the strength of many men, Sir knight.



| BLACK KNIGHT

| Who dares to challenge the Black Knight?

|

| ARTHUR

| I do not challenge you.



The BLACK KNIGHT stares impassively and says nothing.



ARTHUR

I am Arthur, King of the Britons.



Hint of a pause as he waits for a reaction which dosn't come. ARTHUR is

only slightly thrown.



... I seek the bravest and the finest knights in all

the world to join me in my court at Camelot ...



The BLACK KNIGHT remains silent



ARTHUR

You have proved yourself worthy. ... Will you join me?



Silence.



| ARTHUR

| A man of your strength and skill would be the chief of all

| my knights ...

|

| BLACK KNIGHT

| Never.

|

ARTHUR

You make me sad. But so be it. Come Patsy.



As he moves, the BLACK KNIGHT bars the way.



BLACK KNIGHT

None shall pass.



ARTHUR

What?



BLACK KNIGHT

None shall pass.



ARTHUR

I have no quarrel with you, brave Sir knight, but I must

cross this bridge.



BLACK KNIGHT

Then you shall die.



ARTHUR

I command you, as King of the Britons to stand aside.



BLACK KNIGHT

I move for no man.



ARTHUR

So be it!



ARTHUR draws his sword and approaches the BLACK KNIGHT. A furious fight

now starts lasting about fifteen seconds at which point ARTHUR delivers

a mighty blow which completely severs the BLACK KNIGHT's left arm at

the shoulder. ARTHUR steps back triumphantly.



ARTHUR

Now stand aside worthy adversary.



BLACK KNIGHT

(Glancing at his shoulder)

'Tis but a scratch.



ARTHUR

A scratch? Your arm's off.



BLACK KNIGHT

No, it isn't.



ARTHUR

(Pointing to the arm on ground)

Well, what's that then?



BLACK KNIGHT

I've had worse.



ARTHUR

You're a liar.



BLACK KNIGHT

Come on you pansy!



Another ten seconds furious fighting till ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHTS's

other arm off, also at the shoulder. The arm plus sword, lies on the ground.

ARTHUR

Victory is mine.

(sinking to his knees)

I thank thee O Lord that in thy ...



BLACK KNIGHT

Come on then.



ARTHUR

What?



He kicks ARTHUR hard on the side of the helmet. ARTHUR gets up still

holding his sword. The BLACK KNIGHT comes after him kicking.



ARTHUR

You are indeed brave Sir knight, but the fight is mine.



BLACK KNIGHT

Had enough?



ARTHUR

You stupid b*****d. You havn't got any arms left.



BLACK KNIGHT

Course I have.



ARTHUR

Look!



BLACK KNIGHT

What! Just a flesh wound.

(kicks ARTHUR)



ARTHUR

Stop that.



BLACK KNIGHT

(kicking him)

Had enough ... ?



ARTHUR

I'll have your leg.



He is kicked.



Right!



The BLACK KNIGHT kicks him again and ARTHUR chops his leg off.

The BLACK KNIGHT keeps his balance with difficulty.



BLACK KNIGHT

I'll do you for that.



ARTHUR

You'll what ... ?



BLACK KNIGHT

Come Here.



ARTHUR

What are you going to do. bleed on me?



BLACK KNIGHT

I'm invincible!



ARTHUR

You're a looney.



BLACK KNIGHT

The Black Knight always triumphs. Have at you!



ARTHUR takes his last leg off. The BLACK KNIGHT's body lands upright.



BLACK KNIGHT

All right, we'll call it a draw.



ARTHUR

Come, Patsy.



ARTHUR and PATSY start to cross the bridge.



BLACK KNIGHT

Running away eh? You yellow b*****d, Come back here and take

what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off!





5 EXTERIOR - DAY



A village. Sound of chanting of Latin canon, punctuated by short, sharp

cracks. It comes nearer. We see it is a line of MONKS ala SEVENTH SEAL

flagellation scene, chanting and banging themselves on the foreheads with

wooden boards. They pass a group of villagers who are dragging a beautiful

YOUNG WOMAN dressed as a witch through the streets. They drag her to a

strange house/ruin standing on a hill outside the village. A

strange-looking knight stands outside, SIR BEDEVERE.



FIRST VILLAGER

We have found a witch. May we burn her?



ALL

A Witch! Burn her!



BEDEVERE

How do you know she is a witch?



ALL

She looks like one. Yes, she does.



BEDEVERE

Bring her forward.



They bring her forward - a beautiful YOUNG GIRL (MISS ISLINGTON) dressed up

as a witch.



WITCH

I am not a witch. I am not a witch.



BEDEVERE

But you are dressed as one.



WITCH

They dressed me up like this.



ALL

We didn't, we didn't!



WITCH

This is not my nose, It is a false one.



BEDEVERE takes her nose off.



BEDEVERE

Well?



FIRST VILLAGER

... Well, we did do the nose.



BEDEVERE

The nose?



FIRST VILLAGER

And the hat. But she is a witch.



ALL

A witch, a witch, burn her!



BEDEVERE

Did you dress her up like this?



FIRST VILLAGER

... Um ... Yes ... no ... a bit ... yes... she has got a wart.



BEDEVERE

Why do you think she is a witch?



SECOND VILLAGER

She turned me into a newt.



BEDEVERE

A newt?



SECOND VILLAGER

(After looking at himself for some time)

I got better.



ALL

Burn her anyway.



BEDEVERE

Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.



ARTHUR and PATSY ride up at this point and watch what follows with interest



ALL

There are? Tell up. What are they, wise Sir Bedevere?



BEDEVERE

Tell me ... what do you do with witches?



ALL

Burn them.



BEDEVERE

And what do you burn, apart from witches?



FOURTH VILLAGER

... Wood?



BEDEVERE

So why do witches burn?



SECOND VILLAGER

(pianissimo)

... Because they're made of wood...?



BEDEVERE

Good.



PEASANTS stir uneasily then come round to this conclusion.



ALL

I see. Yes, of course.



BEDEVERE

So how can we tell if she is made of wood?



FIRST VILLAGER

Make a bridge out of her.



BEDEVERE

Ah ... but can you not also make bridges out of stone?



ALL

Ah. Yes, of course ... um ... err ...



BEDEVERE

Does wood sink in water?



ALL

No, no, It floats. Throw her in the pond Tie weights on her. To

the pond.



BEDEVERE

Wait. Wait ... tell me, what also floats on water?



ALL

Bread? No, no, no. Apples .... gravy ... very small rocks ...



ARTHUR

A duck.



They all turn and look at ARTHUR. BEDEVERE looks up very impressed.



BEDEVERE

Exactly. So... logically ...



FIRST VILLAGER

(beginning to pick up the thread)

If she ... weighs the same as a duck ... she's made of wood.



BEDEVERE

And therefore?



ALL

A witch! ... A duck! A duck! Fetch a duck.



FOURTH VILLAGER

Here is a duck, Sir Bedevere.



BEDEVERE

We shall use my largest scales.



He leads them a few yards to a very strange contraption indeed, made of

wood and rope and leather. They put the GIRL in one pan and the duck

in another. Each pan is supported by a wooden stave. BEDEVERE checks

each pan then ... ARTHUR looks on with interest.



BEDEVERE

Remove the supports.



Two PEASANTS knock them away with sledge hammers. The GIRL and the duck

swing slightly but balance perfectly.



ALL

A witch! A witch!



WITCH

It's a fair cop.



All

Burn her! Burn her! Let's make her into a ladder.



The VILLAGERS drag the girl away, leaving ARTHUR and BEDEVERE regarding

each other admiringly.



BEDEVERE

Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?



ARTHUR

I am Arthur, King of the Britons.



BEDEVERE

My liege ... forgive me ...



ARTHUR looks at PATSY with obvious satisfaction.





ARTHUR

Good Sir knight, will you come with me to Camelot,

and join our number at the Round Table?



BEDEVERE

My liege, I am honored.



ARTHUR steps forward, drawing his sword, with a slight hint of difficulty



ARTHUR

What is your name?



BEDEVERE

Bedevere, my Liege.



ARTHUR

Then I dub you ... Sir Bedevere ... Knight of the Round Table!





|6 VARIOUS MONTAGE - ANIMATION

|

| VOICE OVER

| And so King Arthur gathered his knights together ... bringing from all

| the corners of the kingdom the strongest and bravest in the land ...

| To sit at The Round Table ...

|

| Under this voice over we have a montage of shots of ARTHUR recruiting

| his Knights:

|

| 1. ARTHUR, PATSY, BEDEVERE and PAGE riding through hillside.

| MIX TO:

|

| 2. A castle. LONG SHOT of SIR GAWAIN standing outside and ARTHUR's

| group approaching and shaking hands perhaps.

|

| 3. MIX TO the group now plus SIR GAWAIN and PAGE (who is weighted

| down by an enormous quantity of luggage) riding down by a stream

| and approaching SIR HECTOR. ARTHUR dubs him.

|

| 4. MIX TO the group (now plus HECTOR and PAGE) approaching some group

| of buildings or whatever. In the distance SIR ROBIN is being taught

| the lute by one of his MUSICIANS. ARTHUR calls and SIR ROBIN

| immediately reacts and hands the lute to his MUSICIAN and comes to

| join ARTHUR & CO.

|

| 5. MIX TO SIR GALAHAD surrounded by chickens. He is wearing a carpenters

| apron over his immaculate armour and is finishing off a hen-house.

| We see the group approach and he throws off the apron and puts down

| the hen-house and goes to join them.

|

| 6. MIX TO the group riding along again.

|

| 7. MIX TO SIR LAUNCELOT handing a BABY to his WIFE (who has several other

| CHILDREN hanging about) and he strides off to join ARTHUR, leaving his

| castle, WIFE and CHILDREN. The castle (Eilean Donan) has washing

| hanging outside it. A real family castle. There are at least

| six kids.

|

| 8. MIX TO the complete group, i.e. ARTHUR and PATSY, BEDEVERE and PAGE,

| GAWAIN and PAGE, HECTOR and PAGE, GALAHAD and PAGE, SIR ROBIN and

| six MUSICIANS, LAUNCELOT and PAGE.

+

+6 CLOSE-UP of a book on which is written:

+

+ THE BOOK OF THE FILM

+

+ VOICE OVER

+ The wise Sir Bedevere was the first to join King Arthur's knights ...

+ but other illustrious names were soon to follow ...

+

+ Hand turns page.

+

+ VOICE OVER

+ Sir Launcelot the Brave ...

+

+ Hand turns page.

+

+ VOICE OVER

+ Sir Galahad the Pure ...

+

+ Hand turns page.

+

+ VOICE OVER

+ And Sir Robin-the-not-quite-so-pure-as-Sir-Launcelot ...

+

+ Hand turns page.

+

+ VOICE OVER

+ ... Who had nearly fought the Dragon of Agnor ...

+

+ Hand turns page.

+

+ VOICE OVER

+ ... Who had nearly stood up to to the vicious Chicken of Bristol ...

+

+ Hand turns Page.

+

+ VOICE OVER

+ ... and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill ...

+ and the aptly named ...

+

+ Hand turns page.

+ VOICE OVER

+ Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film.

+

+ Hand turns page.

+

+ VOICE OVER

+ Together they formed band whose names and deeds were to be retold

+ throughout the centuries ... The Knights of the Round Table ...

+

+ A gorilla's hand snatches away the hand.

+

+ Music swells and fades and we MIX THROUGH TO:





7 EXTERIOR - SUNSET



Fairly close HEAD-ON SHOT of the KNIGHTS riding along. BEDEVERE and ARTHUR

at the front of the group deep in conversation.



BEDEVERE

And that, my lord, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped.



ARTHUR

This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how

sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.



BEDEVERE

OF course, my Liege ...



LAUNCELOT

(he points)

Look, my liege!



They all stop and look.



ARTHUR

(with thankful reverence)

Camelot!



CUT TO shot of amazing castle in the distance. Illuminated in the rays of

the setting sun.



Music.



CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and the group. They are all staring with fascination.



GALAHAD

Camelot ...



LAUNCELOT

Camelot ...



GAWAIN

(at the back, to PAGE)

It's only a model.



ARTHUR

(turning sharply)

Sh!

(to the rest)

Knights! I bid you welcome to your new home! Let us ride ...

to Camelot.





8 INTERIOR - NIGHT



CUT TO interior of medieval hall. A large group of armoured KNIGHTS are

engaged in a well choreographed song-and-dance routine of the very up-beat

'If they could see me now' type of fast bouncy number. The poorer verses

are made clearer by CUTTING to a group of knights actually engaged in

the described task while the line itself is sung. They sing:



KNIGHTS

We're knights of the round table

We dance whene'er we're able

We do routines and chorus scenes

With footwork impeccable.

We dine well here in Camelot

We eat ham and jam and spam a lot.



We're knights of the Round Table

Our shows are formidable

But many times

We're given rhymes

That are quite unsingable

We're opera mad in Camelot

We sing from the diaphragm a lot.



Booming basses. A routine where two XYLOPHONISTS play parts of KNIGHTS'

armour producing a pleasing effect.



In war we're tough and able.

Quite indefatigable

Between our quests

We sequin vests

And impersonate Clark Gable

It's a busy life in Camelot.



SINGLE MAN

I have to push the pram a lot.



CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and BEDEVERE and COMPANY as we had left them.



ARTHUR

No, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot.



KNIGHTS

Right!



ARTHUR

It is a silly place.



They set off again almost immediately they are suffused in ethereal radiance

and strange heavenly choir music. The PAGES, horselike, take fright for a

moment, they whinny and rattle their coconuts. ARTHUR and the KNIGHTS

fall on their knees. A holy voice booms out.



GOD

Arthur! Arthur ... King of the Britons ...



They all prostrate themselves even further



Oh, don't grovel ... do get up! If there's one thing I can't stand,

it's people grovelling!!



ARTHUR and COMPANY rise.



ARTHUR

Sorry ...



GOD

And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it's

sorry this and forgive me that and I'm not worthy and ...

What are you doing now?



ARTHUR

I'm averting my eyes, Lord.



GOD

Well, don't.

| I really don't know where all this got started.

It's like those miserable psalms. they're so depressing.

Now knock it of



ARTHUR

Yes, Lord.



GOD

Right. Arthur, King of the Britons, you're Knights of the Round

Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times ...



ARTHUR

Good idea, O Lord!



GOD

Course it's a good idea.



Suddenly another light glows beside GOD or possibly within the light which

is GOD a shape slowly starts to form.



Behold ... Arthur ... this is the Holy Grail ...

| the Sacred Cup from which Christ drank at the Last Supper ...



The form in the bright light is just discernible as an iridescent chalice

... the KNIGHTS gasp.



Look well, Arthur ... for it is your sacred task to seek

this Grail.



It begins to fade. Music crescendo as both lights fade.



That is your purpose Arthur ... the Quest for the Holy Grail ...



It is gone. All the KNIGHTS are left gasping in awe and wonderment. They

all turn and look at ARTHUR.



LAUNCELOT

A Blessing. A blessing from the lord.



| BEDEVERE

| Praise be to God!

|

| An awed pause, then ARTHUR rallies them.

|

| ARTHUR

| We have a task, we must waste no time! To Camelot!

|

+ GALAHAD

+ God be praised!



Stirring music crescendo. They ride off.



CUT TO TITLES SEQUENCE Animation: "The Quest For The Holy Grail" After

titles CUT TO:





9 EXTERIOR - CASTLE - DAY



MIX THROUGH one or two shots of them on their way again, until they approach

a terrific castle (a little one would do too). They advance quite close to

the castle and draw themselves into a line. At a signal from ARTHUR the two

PAGES step forward and give a brief fanfare.



A MAN appears on the battlements. ARTHUR addresses him.



ARTHUR

Hello.



MAN

'Allo. Whoo is eet?



ARTHUR

I am King Arthur and these are the Knights of the Round

Table. Whose castle is this?



MAN

This is the castle of of my master, Guy de Loimbard.



ARTHUR

Please go and tell your master that we have been charged by God

with a sacred quest, and if he will give us food and shelter for

this night he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.



MAN

Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen.

He's already got one, you see?



ARTHUR

What?



GALAHAD

He says they've already got one!



They are stunned.



ARTHUR

Are you sure he's got one?



MAN

Oh yes. It's very nice

+

+ CUT TO BATTLEMENTS. THE TAUNTER (MAN) turns to some others.

+

+ MAN

+ I told him we already got one.

+

+ They all giggle.

+



ARTHUR

Well ... can we come up and have a look?



MAN

Of course not! You are English pigs.



ARTHUR

Well, what are you then?



MAN

I'm French. Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you

silly king.



GALAHAD

What are you doing in England?



MAN

Mind your own business.



ARTHUR

If you will not show us the Grail we shall storm your castle.



Murmurs of assent.



MAN

You don't frighten us, English pig-dog! Go and boil your

bottoms, son of a silly person. I blow my nose on you, so-called

Arthur-king, you and your silly English K...kaniggets.



He puts hands to his ears and blows a raspberry.



GALAHAD

What a strange person.



ARTHUR

Now look here, my good man!



MAN

I don't want to talk to you, no more, you empty-headed animal,

food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. You mother

was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.



GALAHAD

Is there someone else up there we could talk to?



MAN

No. Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.



ARTHUR

Now this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonab...

+

+ MAN

+ Fetchez la vache!

+

+ GUARD

+ Quoi?

+

+ MAN

+ Fetchez la vache!

+

CUT BACK TO battlements. A cow is led out of a stall.



CUT BACK TO ARTHUR.



ARTHUR

Now that is my final offer. If you are not prepared to agree to my

demands I shall be forced to take ... Oh Christ!



A cow comes flying over the battlements, lowing aggressively. The cow

lands on GALAHAD'S PAGE, squashing him completely.

|

| ROBIN

| What a cruel thing to do.

|

| BEDEVERE

| (Choking back tears)

| It hadn't even been milked.

|

ARTHUR

Right! Knights! Forward!



ARTHUR leads a charge toward the castle. Various shots of them battling on,

despite being hit by a variety of farm animals.



ARTHUR

(as the MAN next to him is squashed by a sheep)

Knights! Run away!



Midst echoing shouts of "run away" the KNIGHTS retreat to cover with the odd

cow or goose hitting them still. The KNIGHTS crouch down under cover.



LAUNCELOT

The sods! I'll tear them apart.



ARTHUR

(restraining LAUNCELOT from going out and having a go)

No!



BEDEVERE

I have a plan sir.



CUT BACK TO battlements of castle. FRENCH SENTRIES suspiciously peering

towards the English lines. Wind whistles.



Shot of the empty scrubland or undergrowth or woodland around the castle.

Emptiness. Wind. More shots of the FRENCH SENTRIES peering into the dusk.

| As night falls. MIX THROUGH TO night On the battlements a brazier burns or

| torches on the wall as the SENTRIES peer into the dark. Shots of the

| woodland with fires burning where the English lines are.



During all this the sounds of extensive carpentry have possibly been herd,

followed by silence, followed by renewed outbursts or activity.



CLOSE-UP FRENCH looking very nervous. Dawn breaking. Shot of woodland.

Nothing. Wind. Dawn still breaking. Shots of the FRENCH. They suddenly

hear something. A faintly detectable squeaking which is getting louder.



CUT TO WIDE SHOT of castle and woodland. Squeaking getting louder. Shot of

the FRENCH TAUNTER pointing. WIDE SHOT again. The squeaking gets louder

an enormous twenty-foot-high wooden rabbit is wheeled out of the

undergrowth into the open space in front of the castle. The ENGLISH scuttle

back into the undergrowth. The rabbit has a large red bow tied round it

and a rather crudely written label, which reads "Pour votres amis

Francais". The CHIEF TAUNTER looks at it, narrowing his eyes. Then he

turns and leaves battlements.



CUT TO ARTHUR and COMPANY watching from the bushes. The main gate of the

castle opens a little and the CHIEF TAUNTER's head sticks out, then another

Froggie head, then another. They mutter to each other in French, look

rather pleased, then rush out and start to pull the giant rabbit in.



CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and COMPANY behind some bushes watching.



ARTHUR

Now what happens?



BEDEVERE

Well now, Launcelot, Galahad, and I wait until nightfall

and then leap out of the rabbit and take the French by surprise,

not only by surprise but totally unarmed!



ARTHUR

Who ... Who breaks out?