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I thought last night you might've writeen something about it... : [ This sh!t is like uber depressing.

But i shall speak anyways.. and you can delete it whenever, because I know sometimes you really dont want any commentsin your journal, though you never say it.

I told you last night I knew the feeling, most likely becuase... I dont know.. Maybe i'm going through the same s**t or something, but I ignore it most of the time even though it does get in the way evey now and then. You wanna why? 't snot that i dont want people to worry, it's because when I awake feeling like that.. I realize.. I'm engulfed in myself. Right now... While I'm laying staring up in bed, sad about my situation, there's a whole world out there, the Earth is still revolving. Right now, people are laughing, and playing, a loving each other.. And people out there can have the same problem as me, or worse ones... So While I sit here suspended above time caught in this bubble of emptiness.. I could be doing something. I could be living, like everyone else, maybe better than them, because I know now... and I could help others live... I dont want to sit around and wallow in these feelings, when i know I have the ability to do more, so much more.. I have the ability to live, now that i've known what it is not to. Maybe that's why I'm rambling so much lol. Because of this... But I know it's not just that, that's just a small fraction of it. we're friends, and I care for you.

You know man... A long while ago, we talked about what you loved in life, and what you strived for... You said you like it when you make others smile. And I told you, ******** it then.. do that... Who gives a damn about your love life or anything else. Do what makes you feel good inside, for sake of being you and being loved for who you are, you jokes, your views, your loves and obsessions. If they don't like it, screw them. Where did that go?

You know I am and push to be an independent person [maybe to a fault], but you also know I'm an altruist and idealist. I strive for what's better and inner perfection, but even I sometimes want to know my place in this world. A lot of times when I feel down like this, I call a mass hang out... Because I wanna see others around me happy, I wanna remind myself, I should be happy too, becuase I'm really not alone, there are other people out here. And that even though I feel I dont belong, I know they feel I do. And they'd be here to hang out with me, no questions if I needed it... These people around me acting stupid and making jokes are what i live for. They remind me, the beauty of life around me... And then I realize I belong here. These people that share the same things as me and yet don't... I'm fine, so long as they keep smiling for me.. The world around me can use me and abuse me.. but I know I've got something more, and they can't take it away from me.

You're my friend.. I'll say it... You're one of my closest friends, and -hesistations lol- <<;; ...I love you 0_o ...>>;;... And you my not know your purpose in life, but I want to see you fight for one, because i know none of us know our own, truly. It's not something given to us... It's something we choose... You do make me smile, it's not always your jokes that do it.. You make me better, you do alot.. And I know it's not just me. I know that you do it for everyone you know, Seron, Knyz... You're an awesome friggin person... The whole world doesn't have to see it, for it to be true... i'm telling you now.. there's more in you than just dollars. You may not be able to hold the raw truth that knowing that someone loves you and you them... But that doesn't mean your not being loved, that doesn't mean you dont have someone you can cherish back. That doesn't mean you dont have a place... You do.. God I hope that makes sense lol. -is still tired and just woke up- : [

That aside... For literalness of what this dream could mean... You may obviously be crushing on someone, missing someone, whatever. WTF dude! Go for them! Seriously! gonk

-scrolls back up- HAHAHAHAHAHA.. I made an essay! ... Do I get an 'A'!?! biggrin Or ' talk2hand Wall O' text = no readie"? emo LOL I seriously dont know what's worse though.. me aimlessly rambling when I'm tired, or my rambling on purpose when I'm just waking up. Dx

This made me cry... but not in a good way, for some reason... I should have been really happy to see that people care about me and what not... but for some reason it made me feel more lost than I already felt...

I'm not going to delete it... to tell you the truth... I wanted people to comment... Because I want people to know that I'm affected right now... maybe I really want to be surrounded by all the love that you mentioned earlier... Maybe that vivid dream was an expression of how unloved I really feel...

But as for the literalness of the dream... I don't think it was about a crush... though I am crushing on someone I know will not return my feelings. (I've asked... that's how I know...) I guess maybe it was to feel the void. Some may say that it was a projection of my step-brothers feelings, considering I was taking a nap on his bed, and some people believe that a spirit can remain remnant on a resting place, or a place often touched by someone.

As for why I was so affected by the dream... I think it was how real it was that scares me... I mean... Life... Death... It's all exactly like that... One moment... Someone is solid... tangible... real. And the next? Their gone... forever haunting you as a feeling you can never get back... I barely knew the person in my dream... for only a few seconds to be exact... but for some reason... I was completely in love... completely attached... and when she disappeared... it hurt.....

Also, I think it may have been an OBE... (Out of Body Experience) since the odd part is... I wasn't wearing the same clothes I was when I went to sleep. I was wearing my work uniform... but it was dirty, like I had been to work that day... And I didn't really see what she was wearing... I don't know... It was scary... So real... So VERY real... It haunted me all day... It still kind of haunts me... I've never been in a dream where I could taste something before... never... I've never heard of anyone who has...

Well, now that I'm not so emotional that I made you emotional, lol I'm gonna reply while I've got my head on before I can catch up with myself. [-Has just woken up again and feels like a zombeh-]

It's understandable actually.. that you did. I can't imagine anyone reading what i wrote and feeling good about themselves in your state. That's probably the bigger reason why I had the urge to delete it. But the only thing that kept me from that, was.. the fact that it was true lol. And you're right, it probably does make youfeel that way. I could imagine if someone told me all that s**t straight up... It wouldn't be that I'd feel more lost... more that I realize, how lost I really am. I suppose if i didn't have my happy-go-lucky ******** it all anyways disposition that i always try to play, I wouldn't know what to do with what I just read. Becuase suddenly I wouldn't understand myself, what happened to myself.. where it's all coming from exactly, how I feel like I can't get back... It's heavy and though I do feel horrible about it all... We all need to hear it sometimes I guess, even if it's not to make us feel better at that moment... -hugs- I'm sorry anyways though. sad

And yeah, maybe that's it.. I can't tell you it is, because I'm not you... and I myself dont really care for feeling loved [or at least I push myself not to], though it is nice, and... piculiar in some sense for me. I dont know how to descirbe that lol. sweatdrop But if you crave something like that, then yes, that may be a problem... Though... we all need to be reminded sometimes that we are in fact loved, neh? I just wish for us, that there is a way you can really feel it.

-pouts- Well that... sucks. I wonder what's up with her. : / ...Er.. Fill the void, you mean? I dont.. actually.. know why anyone would want to feel it. That's... That's pretty self-destructive. lol. You may have to elaborate on that. sweatdrop Maybe.. you are part empath aren't you? I'd avoid sleeping in that bed if that s**t happened to me, and that was an actual case for me. D:

Hmn... I could understand this very well actually. Those times I toldyou I knew the feeling... Those times I woke up empty... It was the very feeling.. why would anyone put us here, if in the end... we'd be gone completely... Sometimes it would be because of dream.. most times, it was just a wakng thought that lingered in me after a long while of feeling empty... But he have to see, that there is an end so that there is in fact a journey, a goal. It may not be conventional, but it's a truth we have to face. To get up and just live, because we know.. our time here together wont be forever...

I've had dreams like that before [but then again i have a very vivid imagination and am a realy pensive person lol]... It usually happens to me when I feel seriously out of funk though. Once ... Or... well.. I give you the lighter of them LMAO. Some of them are really personal... like.. really. lol. sweatdrop
Sometimes... I'd really feel like I'm struggling alot.. and I have no one to make it better but myself. People are engulfed in thier own crap and I'd rather not bother them. Eventhen most times, they dont react when I choose to say a little bitabout it... so I shrug and decide it's no biggy... Then in my dream I'd be reaching for someone, it didn't matter who... But they'd never reach back for me. And I'd ask anyone, everyone if they've seen something I can't find... no one would care... Suddenly I'm so deep in finding it all... I get in to crap.. and have the crap beaten out of me. No matter what i threw back, it's like hitting a wall, it just had no effect. I could taste the blood... I could feel bruises, the frustration in struggling, the mesh of bodies being i my way, the harsh cement floor, the heavy breathing, the salt of sweat... The hard fists that would bash in my mouth, my eyes, my body... I think so much to myself, I really am gonna die here... I really am gonna die fighting... on my own. I'm never gonna find it... And no one's gonna help... And before I know it, I hear a voice, but then I can't find it, and I swear it was me. I felt shocked, I knew I was about to die. I why suddenly then? Even myself, I came so late, but it was only myself, who'd actually turn around and listen, reach... But then I'd wake up.. and I'm fine, no blood my mouth, my fists haven't hit the wall, no random bruises or pains on me.. But i feel battered anyways, battle wary, and bothered by the people around... By my situation... And I wont stop thinking about it for a while... Because I'd remember all the struggling... but then i think to myself and realize... I wouldn't have it any other way... It's weird lol. But with my own reasons, I undrstand it. :3
But unlike mine, I'd imagine.. you'd crave that dream, for it to come back... I dont like those.. that's why I'm only gonna say the one I just did. That one wasn't so important to me. LOL. Well not in the sense of it compared to a few others. The thingis, even though it was a mere dream for you.. it doesn't mean you're now stuck in this weird problem... You can do something about it... You can get up and share the love, you go out and find what felt so good. you can go out and engulf yourself in happiness... even though the situation isn't all you... really.. the only thing that's in the way.. is yourself... >>;; Is... my philosophy lol. But dont take my word for it I suppose LOl. Eh.. heheh. sweatdrop

SON OF A BISH MY GAME!!! D:... crying ...OMFG I'M SO... -sighs- I need food.. Anyways, sorry if this seems scattered...