The Even Shorter History
What with APs coming up and all that, Kyrinn and I decided that, yeah, we should probably study... So she began livening up Garaty Short History, which, you see, isn't quite short enough AND it's boring.
And I figured I should chip in too! xD Enjoy~!
We now present: TESH narrated by masked-phantom and Kyrinn
Chapter 1 ~ brought to you by Kyrinn
Once upon a time, Columbus decided he wanted to sail west to India! Sadly, this only really works when you start from China, and Columbus started from Portugal, so he found America instead in 1492. He was still convinced he found India. Yeah, he was delusional.
Now, the Europeans were real jerks to everyone they encountered, and enslaved them or stuff. Especially the Native Americans (who shall henceforth be known as the NA). So the Europeans were all like, “Be Christian! And Stuff.” And the NA were like, “No.”
Meanwhile, Spanish ppl were corrupt and so, even though they were the only ppl who really settled in the New World, they declined. Also, the pope was being corrupt too, so ppl in Europe wanted to reform the church, and Henry VIII declared himself the head of the church of England, because the other church wouldn’t let him behead his wives. >< So anyway, the English PWNED the Spanish armada (like in that movie) and English got to explore the new world! Woot! Then King James I wanted gold so he sent the Virginia Company to the New World and was like, “Go fetch me gold!” Luckily, the VC were not werewolves and so were not offended by this, and they established Jamestown! And had issues with swamps and malari. And there were a bunch of screwups in general until they discovered TOBACCO. DUN DUN DUN.
Meanwhile, back in Europe…Puritans no like the Anglican Church cuz they thought it was still like the Pope’s stuff. They organized the MA Bay Colony and founded Boston. No one liked Roger Williams so he left and went to Rhode Island. It’s like the freakin’ home of the outcasts. So did Anne Hutchinson who was a antinomian thingy. Then a bunch of other vaguely important stuff happened. Maryland was a haven for Catholics under the Toleration Act (1649). Then some more colonies. The NA taught us stuff that was useful. And then we had Thanksgiving and ate turkeys. But the Americans were still jerks and didn’t like the NA.
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