The Even Shorter History
We now present: TESH narrated by masked-phantom and Kyrinn
Chapter 2 ~ brought to you by Kyrinn
So anyway, there were three regions in the Southern colonies. One: Chesapeake Bay, two: the Carolinas, and five: the back countries which no one cares about (seriously, why do you think they’re called the back countries?). In Chesapeake, life sucked and lots of people died until the magical fairy of hope and wonder came and sprinkled magical fairy dust on the people so they’d stop getting malaria and stuff. Or maybe their immune systems adapted. Also, there was a lack of women.
So why would ppl go to this malaria-infested, women-less place? Because the Virginia Company ppl got candy! Well, okay, they got land. Which isn’t nearly as cool. But they told everyone else they got candy and so everyone in England wanted to come too! And then came the headright system, where everyone who went to the New World got five acres of candy. Some ppl couldn’t go to the New World because they couldn’t afford it, so they became indentured servants to people who could. This meant that they gave their dentures to their masters until they worked off their debt and received some candy and got their dentures back. And then there were slaves from Africa, who didn’t get candy. Because they didn’t have dentures.
Meanwhile, they grew a lot of tobacco. Heaps of tobacco. So much tobacco, they all nearly drowned in tobacco. And then they sold it, so they made money!
Then, in Virginia in 1676, there were a lot of NA attacks. They wanted bacon. The Americans offered them candy, but the NA were all like, “First you’re trying to convert us to Christianity and now you’re trying to give us cavities?? ATTACK!!” So the planters on the edge of the settlement went to the royal governor, Berkeley, and asked if they could attack back. Berkeley said no. Awww. So this army of 500 indentured servants formed without permission, and they were led by bacon. Yes, they were literally led by a rash of bacon. It was a very violent rash of bacon, and under its leadership, the Baconites of the Holy Church of Bacon murdered a bunch of Indians and then burned Jamestown to the ground. Then the bacon was smote by the true gods and people no longer trusted indentured servants. Also, they couldn’t figure out what to do with all the dentures they’d been amassing, so they switched to using blacks as slaves entirely. And they grew more tobacco and some indigo too. By 1730, 3/10s of ppl south of Pennsylvania were black.
Meanwhile, Georgia, in the back country no one cared about, was being populated by debtors that England sent over. There was also a battle in the palindrome year of 1771 between some North Carolina-ers who called themselves the Regulators and the Carolina assembly, whatever that be. The Regulators got pwned and executed.
People in the colonies were not educated. They sent their kids back to England to be educated. That’s why the English are a lot smarter than the Americans. Also, the main religion switched to the Church of the One-Winged Angel. But then Sephiroth tried to smite them all with a meteor and the people got angry and converted to the Anglican church. No one liked Catholics, though Lord Baltimore tried to get people to tolerate Catholics. Oh yeah, and ministers were paid with tobacco vouchers. Yes, I actually am being serious this time. Really.
Meanwhile, the Puritans in New England were being very pious, since they didn’t have malaria and lack of women to distract them. The women educated the children, and the men stood around doing manly things. And looking manly. There was a high birth rate and low morality rate, so the population increased though there was no more immigration there for a while. Also, only the visible saints could attend church because the rest of the people weren’t good enough. The children weren’t very pious though, so in the 1660s, they came up with the Halfway Covenant so the religious peoples’ non-religious children didn’t have to go to Hell. The non-religious people were allowed to stand with one foot inside the church as long as they accepted the church covenant. Some wondered whether this meant that when they died, only half of them would be allowed into Heaven. The structure of government included a governor, a governor’s council, and a popularly elected assembly, and everything was hunky-dory until Edmund Andros was put into place as head of the Dominion of New England. Then there was a Glorious Revolution and Andros was probably killed. And a bunch of people were hanged in Salem for being witches. Silly Salem-ers. Don’t they know witches should be burned?
Meanwhile, the Americans were worried because the Japanese education system was superior to theirs, and they were building robots and starships and cool s**t like that. So they asked Massachusetts for money to open a college. And a bunch of those famous, prestigious colleges that I have no chance of getting into were established. And then the Puritans were all snobbish and were like, “We have no need for material wealth!” But then they started trading anyway.
And no one cared about the middle colonies, who grew wheat. And the English stopped coming over because they decided England was better anyway.
In New York, Leisler seized control of the government for two years. Then people started wondering where their government went, so they executed Leisler when they found out it was his fault. Zenger wrote stuff about a crossdresser, and the Paxton Boys in the west didn’t like the east so they uprose until Ben Franklin told them to stop. Then in the 1740s, the Great Awakening came, and people were suddenly all religious again. George Whitefield preached some stuff, and there was much religious tolerance. Then the Enlightenment came and was pretty spiffy, since it fostered sciency stuff. W00t! Oh yeah, Ben Franklin invented some stuff.
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