The Even Shorter History
We now present: TESH narrated by masked-phantom and Kyrinn
Chapter 5 Episode V ~ brought to you by Kyrinn
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…
The Confederation of Nacirema had won the war and made peace with the treaty of Sirap. Under this new era of nationalism, they began turning toward galactic expansion. However, Dnalgne and Niaps refused to give up the planets they had captured, even inciting the natives of planet Naidni against the Naciremas. The Naciremas realized that their confederation, unable to deal with these threats, needed to be stronger.
Meanwhile, Naciremas had established trade with the planets in the far eastern quadrant. Dnalgne’s involvement adversely affected this trade, refusing the Naciremas access to the planets of the West Seidni. The Naciremas were divided into factions that refused to compromise on tariffs, and the Confederation sank into a recession. Taxes were increased and the printing of money was restricted, and there were problems all around.
The city of Sttesuhcassam, henceforth known as AM
SHAY: Rise up, my brothers, for we shall rebel!!
(Citizens and veterans alike take up blasters and pitchforks. The rebellion surrounds courthouses.)
COURTHOUSES: Oh no. Whatever shall we do.
RANDOM PEOPLE: We need a stronger government!
HAMILTON: No s**t.
(And so there was a Great Convention. It was great. And the new government was republican, so I suppose the Confederation of Nacirema is now the Republic of Nacirema.)
RANDOM FOUNDING FATHER: Hey, let’s come up with some more things to make this piece of paper look even longer and more impressive! Because giving the central government the power to tax, regulate commerce, conduct foreign policy, and maintain military units only takes up two pages in size twelve font.
OTHER RFF: We can double space, and change the font to size 12.5. They’ll never notice.
RFF: Nah, still not long enough.
(And so the Virginia and New Jersey plans came into being. Yes, I’m getting tired of typing everything backwards. Meanwhile…)
PERSON FROM PLANET HTUOS: We like slaves! We has slaves!
PLANET HTRON: Slavery is bad! Let’s not enslave other primitive planets for a while. Until 1808.
HTUOS: Okay. Hey, check it out! Our slaves are only three-fifths of a normal person! (Points to guy with one arm and no legs or spleens or squeedly spooches)
HTRON: O_o
(And then George Washington was crowned President! But some people didn’t trust him, so they developed a system of checks and balances. However, some people thought the Constitution was too radical.)
RANDOM PERSON: Dude! This Constitution is like, totally radical dude!
(So there were conventions and everyone had a direct vote. The Federalists were for the ratification, while the antifederalists weren’t. Most people agreed once they heard there were amendments guaranteeing civil liberties and state powers.)
HAMILTON: Hey, that showoff John Hancock signed the Constitution in really ridiculously big letters! I wanted to do that!
JOHN JAY: So write another official document thingy.
HAMILTON: Okay. What should it be about?
JAMES MADISON: I dunno. We could make it in support of ratification. Kill two birds with one stone, ya know?
HAMILTON: Hey, that’s brilliant!
(So the Federalist Papers were written, and Alexander Hamilton got to sign them in ridiculously big letters. Meanwhile, Washington was busy being perfect. Except for the whole political parties thing.)
WASHINGTON: Now, I want you kids to play nice and not divide America in to political factions, okay?
HAMILTON and JEFFERSON: Okay.
(Washington leaves office and Hamilton and Jefferson are immediately embroiled in an argument of whether the Constitution should be loosely interpreted or not. Let’s rewind a bit to when Washington was still president, because Garaty’s sense of time is screwed up.)
RANDOM PERSON: Hey! You promised us civil liberties!
OFFICIAL PERSON: Let’s write another document called the Bill of Rights!
(Meanwhile, Hamilton was running around in favor of a strong government and trying to pay off the national debt.)
HAMILTON: We need a bank!
JEFFERSON: It’s not constitutional!
HAMILTON: Up yours!
JEFFERSON: I’m telling Washington on you! (Runs off to Washington) Alexander’s being mean to me! He said mean stuff and he wants to start a bank which isn’t constitutional and he said my mother was fat!
WASHINGTON: Hey, let’s have a national bank!
(So poor Jefferson was shot down. The British were still hanging around in Ohio and there were still Indians in the US. France sent Genet to make the US help the French with their revolution. He did some stuff and Washington sent him back or something. Then there was something to do with British ships and French ships attacking American ships. So Washington wanted to negotiate with the British.)
JOHN JAY: I’m going to negotiate with the British! Hey, Brits! Stop going after our ships!
BRITS: Eh, whatever. We’ll sign this treaty that says we may or may not stop going after your ships. Be happy.
AMERICANS: What gives, Jay?? This is a crap treaty!
(However, the Spanish had not heard that Jay’s Treaty was a crap treaty. So when Pinckney went to treati-fy them…)
SPANISH: Oh no! The US may have allied with the British, who pwned our armada! We’d better be nice to them.
(So Pinckney’s Treaty opened the Mississippi to American trade, provided right of deposit at New Orleans, and settled the Florida boundary dispute.)
AMERICANS: Sheesh, Jay, why can’t you be more like Pinckney??
JAY:
OTHER AMERICANS: Hey! Let’s expand westward with honor! Minus the honor!
(Insert slaughtering of Indians here.)
AMERICANS: Yay! We’re so honorable!
(Then a bunch of dire bottles of whiskey rebelled.)
WASHINGTON: PWN!!
HAMILTON: Yay! Our government is strong enough to defend against dire whiskey bottles! biggrin
View User's Journal
Mood: Relaxed
 |
