The Even Shorter History
We now present: TESH narrated by masked-phantom and Kyrinn
Chapter 6 ~ brought to you by masked-phantom
Jefferson thought everyone should become farmers who could do calculus, physics, and other really advanced mathematical stuff. Hamilton thought people should just do whatever to get muneys, and in his opinion, being really smart farmers wasn’t exactly the way to go. So, yeah, they hated each other… but Jefferson basically hated everyone. He was a really angsty guy. Someone must have found grammatical errors in his first few drafts of the Declaration… but anyways, they couldn’t agree on what to do about Europey stuff, or what to do when all the whiskey rebelled and they were always at each other’s throats, which led to the whole nation basically dividing into two groups: the republicans vs the federalists. Washington got fed up with all this crap and resigned from office in 1796.
Sooo…. Political parties had formed EVEN THOUGH Washington had said, “I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are—” oh, wait, wrong speech… well anyways, Washington said that political parties were dumb. End of story. But there were issues and stuff, so the Federalists and the Republicans formed. And, the Republicans were called Democratic Republicans, which just makes things confusing. Federalists supported Hamilton and thought of change as an orderly progression presided over by established authority—like a whole bunch of nuns marching while the Mother Superior watches and sings that one song… The Republicans thought that the nuns should just run all over the place and be individual and not give a damn about the Mother Superior and her song. And the Republicans all wanted to be French so they could say, “le whut?”
And then there was an election! To elect people! Who would be elected! And stuff! So Jefferson whipped out a lightsaber, and he and John Adams duked it out. Jefferson was like, “All your bases belong to us!” And then Adams was like, “See! I told you there were grammatical errors in the Declaration! Do you even speak English?” And then Jefferson, being pro-French, said, “le whut?” and then Adams pointed dramatically at him and won, because everyone knows that dramatic pointing makes you awesome. Jefferson became vice-president, because that’s how elections worked back then, and he was a very unhappy guy about all this.
When Adams came into office, he realized that there was an international crisis—yay! France had seized some American ships in retaliation for the not H, not I, but J Treaty, and Adams was like, “WTF?” so he sent some people over to France to negotiate. The French kindly invited everyone to tea, and as the Americans pulled out their spiral notebooks and manila folders and such, the French agents X, Y, and Z were like, “Bribe us.” Then the Americans were like, “No! Listen to what we have to say…” and then the French plugged their ears and went, “lalalalalalalaalalaaaaa can’t hear you!!!” Adams again, was like, “WTF?” and then decided that he wouldn’t be nice no mores, and got some troops, ready, but he kept us out of war with France, because he was smart-like, and realized that the French had a BIG army, and ours was about the size of a paramecium. So America decided the French were dumb, and then the Republicans were all emo since they still wanted to be French-like, but now everyone hated France. Sucks for them.
A little while after all this, the Naturalization and Alien Acts were passed, saying that dangerous aliens had to go back to Mars. Then there was the Sedition Act, and that made people be quiet if they didn’t like politics. Lots of police men would run around with duct tape, and if you said something about hating politics, then you’d get your mouth duct taped shut. But Jefferson and Madison were like, “UNCONSTITUIONAL, you bastards!” and they wrote some Resolves to protest the Federalist policy. Then the French realized that they had been dumb butt-heads, and they decided to make nice with America again, and the Franco-American treaties of 1778 were accepted. Awesome-sauce.
1800 came around and Adams was defeated, but Jefferson and Burr ended up with a tie, and the House voted 50 bagillion times until FINALLY in 1801 Hamilton persuaded people to vote for Jefferson. Why he did this, I can’t remember, since Jefferson and Hamilton hated each other, but yeah. Then they passed the 12 Amendment so that this sort of issue wouldn’t happen again. I mean, they killed a helluvalotta trees to make all those ballots for the 50 bagillion votes.
Jefferson denounced the national debt and reduced military expenditures and repealed excise taxes and naturalization laws and such. He sorta-kinda-just-barely accepted the Hamiltonian economic structure, but he applied it to farms and stuff, because he liked agriculture more. Oh, and Jefferson was a hermit, by the way.
Why was Jefferson a hermit? Because he hated people. Here’s an example of why he hated people. When he came into office, he realized that Adams had appointed a whole bunch of new judges and court officers that were all conservative Federalists, but Adams had done this at midnight right before he was officially not president no mores. Jefferson was like, “rawr! I will not give this whole bunch of judges their official ‘judges pwn’ badges of judgeship and a whole bunch of people got mad at him and stuff, but then the Supreme Court Justice worked things out, and was like, “The supreme court can now decide what is constitutional and what is a whole bunch of flung monkey-poo!”
And then there were pirates! ZOMG PIRATES!!! But they weren’t the pirates who don’t do anything, and they weren’t space pirates either. They were the Barbary Pirates, which isn’t nearly as cool because they actually did stuff and they weren’t from space. These pirates said, “give us your golds and shiny things and candy or you can’t trade with the African Arab people!” and Jefferson was like, “NO! Eat cannon you pirates!” And then they got into a big fight, and though Jefferson technically lost, the pirates were all sad because he had sunk their battleship. So then a treaty thingy was made so America only had to give up gold and not all their shiny things and candy too. Or something like that.
Then, because Jefferson had shiny things and candy, he decided he should buy something!!! See, Napoleon owned the Louisiana territory now, which was a lot more than just Louisiana, but he got pissed off when some of his slave people revolted and then Napoleon had a hissy fit and decided he should just get rid of the thing. Jefferson wanted to buy New Orleans, since it was a spiffy port and had the best Mardi Gras parties, so he offered Napoleon some candy, and Napoleon was like, “throw in the jaw breakers and you can take the whole damned thing!” but he said that in French. I don’t speak French, so yeah. So the U.S. got really big.
Meanwhile, Burr challenged Hamilton to a duel, and the poor guy got shot and died. Hamilton that is, not sucky Burr. Damn Burr… *mutter**mutter*
Then these two dudes, Lewis and Clark went on this epic journey in 1803 and found ligers and werewolves and half-pony half-monkey monsters, oh my! They talked to the natives and drew pretty pictures of everything they saw, like the flesh-eating birds and flying jellyfish and vampires, and then returned in 1806 after their good friend was eaten by a dragon during the journey. It was rather tragic… his body… so mangled… and scorched…
Aaannnddd… I’m done.
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