The Even Shorter History
We now present: TESH narrated by masked-phantom and Kyrinn
Chapter 7 ~ brought to you by Kyrinn
JOHN RANDOLF OF ROANOAK: Jefferson! I accuse you of the Yazoo land grants!
YAZOO: Is it the Promised Land?
…Uh. No.
KADAJ: Nooooo!! (Summons Bahamut and pwns Randolf)
JEFFERSON: Well that’s over. Let’s go bribe Spain to give us West Florida!
AARON BURR: I want to be an emperor. Hey, Spain! We should take over the Louisiana Purchase territory!
SPAIN: Score!
JEFFERSON: WTFHAXX!!1 j00 t34mk1ll3r!
JOHN MARSHALL: Nah, he’s innocent.
BURR: W00t!
The countries of England and France
Put ants in each other’s pants
Attempting to make the other trip
They exploited American ships
And the British started impressing American ships.
…Wait. That last part didn’t rhyme.
AMERICANS: Stop impressing us!
BRITS: No.
JEFFERSON: I’m going to prohibit all exports with the Embargo Act of 1807.
BRITS: Hey, let’s go buy cotton from Egypt.
(The American economy crashes.)
JEFFERSON: Damn. That didn’t work. Let’s try the Non-Intercourse Act, which only prohibits trade with England and France! …Aw, screw it. Madison’s president now, it’s his problem.
MADISON: …
CONGRESS: Let’s pass Macon’s Bill 2. We can now trade with the British and French again!
MADISON: What happened to Macon’s Bill 1?
CONGRESS: …Um. Link ate it.
LINK: Tastes…like…AGONY. X_x
MADISON: …Well…all right. I guess it could work. But if France or England stops violating American commerce, we’ll stop selling to the other one.
NAPOLEON: Hey, we’ll stop messing with your ships.
MADISON: Yay! Now we don’t trade to the British anymore.
NAPOLEON: Lol jk. We’re still going to impress your ships.
MADISON: That’s it. We’re going to war.
Meanwhile…
WESTERN FARMERS: We’re having issues with these Indians. It’s all those Canadian British’s fault!
CANADIAN BRITISH: Oh yeah. That makes sense.
TECUMSAH THE INDIAN CHIEF: Hey, bro, let’s organize some armies of Indians and pwn these invaders.
PROPHET: …Is “prophet” really my name?
TECUMSAH: Hey, look what they named me! Do you really have the right to complain?
(Then there was the Battle of Tippecanoe.)
TECUMSAH: Hey, we fought to a draw. But our morale is dead and we have no more confidence.
WESTERNERS: It was the British’s fault! We have to go to war against the British! Oh yeah, it’s also their fault that we have economy problems. I mean, it’s totally not the fact that we have those Embargo Acts in place or anything.
CANADIAN BRITISH: …You bloody idiots.
EASTERNERS and FEDERALISTS: Let’s not go to war. The British have a really nice armada.
NAPOLEON: …Everyone forgot about me. (Sniff)
(So the Americans declared war against the British and tried to capture Canada and were squarely pwned.)
BRITISH: Hey, let’s burn the buildings in Washington DC! WHEEE FIRE!!!
FRANCIS SCOTT KEY: I shall write a song about how the British are setting fire to our capital that no man will ever be able to sing except for maybe Mr. Roberts due to the crazy key changes and high notes! (Writes “The Star-Spangled Banner”)
Then the Treaty of Ghent was signed in 1814, and everything went to status quo antebellum, which is pretty much how it was before the war. So the British could still go around impressing US ships. Luckily, they didn’t, and the British and US became good buddies. There was also a demilitarized border along Canada with the Rush-Bagot Treaty, which was pretty spiffy. No more ominous warships on the Great Lakes and whatnot.
Meanwhile, while the Treaty’s being signed…
FEDERALISTS: We’re having a Hartford Convention to protest the war!
JACKSON: Hey, let’s battle these British who are coming into New Orleans!
(The British forces are pwned.)
AMERICANS: YAY! We won the war!! Hey, you Federalists! You’re not supporting America! We bite our thumbs at you!
FEDERALISTS: Oh no! We shall go and die of shame now. Bye.
And so the Federalists were all disappeared. And a bunch of Europeans moseyed on over to America. Oh, and the 49th parallel became the northern boundary of the Louisiana Purchase.
SPANISH IN FLORIDA: Man, these Indians are really annoying.
MONROE: Hey, Jackson, go do something about the Indians.
JACKSON: >D (Destroys two Spanish forts)
MONROE: O_o
SPANISH: Okay, okay! We’ll negotiate! Just…keep that CRAZY PERSON away from us!
JACKSON: Hey look! I can spit out blood!
FOURTH WALL REPAIR GNOME: That doesn’t come until later.
So the Adam-Onis Treaty got us Florida and a western boundary for the Louisiana Territory extending to the Pacific. Then there was the Monroe Doctrine. It pretty much told Europe they could suck it.
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