You dont have to waste your time reading all of this... i just really need help and stuff right now because im hurting really bad and i cant seem to help it... i cant help crying and i cant help half the stuff that is said in this because its what i feel... if sabrina reads this please dont get upset... like crying upset or anything... i dont want to cause you distress because of my problems that are just over reactions anyways... <3 u all...
FOURTH BLOOD ENTRY :BEGINNING: 8:19 AM CTRL TIME
I dont even know what just kind of hit me here...i just suddenly felt breathless and smothered. and its not just today. i feel this every day of my god given life. i sit in my room and just feel smothered. like my stress or depression is one big mass expanding inside me to the point where it will just kill me. sometimes thats what i want, sometimes i dont know what i want. sometimes i feel like i am the only being on earth and i just feel dead inside you know... and it hurts. it doesnt just suffocate me it hurts.
Aye me... Aye Me... what doth life have but mercy to grace us with our imminent death?
it feels like somethings in my head that i want out. like some unfinished business that if i dont get it out then the world will some day commit my suicide for me.
I need to pray... but God doesnt Answer me...
My Parents dont listen.
the only people I have are Jordan, Sabrina, Karen, Holly and all of my friends...... Nobody else anymore. I'm dead inside when im at home. when my siblings come over i hate them, i cant stand them. Red is changing all the rules since he is now the head of the house hold... I will say this once and never again, i wish my parents didnt get a divorce... and if not that i wish my mom didnt get married.
oh my god... i stopped being breathless... thats what was trapped inside. i hate that my mom got married... i hate it i hate it it was soooooooo way to soon... then school is hell cause i might get held back and go to a new school away from everyone. Red and Mom both said that i will make friends but if i go to a new school now then i'm not going to be able to in a sense that if i'm dead now, not feeling love or anything from when the only love i experiance now is from my friends? what could possibly move me to? I have all of you and thats the best any girl can ever get! ever... I dont want more or less i want you all and thats it... i love you guys so much and it hurts me to even think of leaving you guys... the house sells and im gone. i wont see you guys very much at all and i'll leave my baby here in Parker county while i leave to Denton... Heart's break to easily... and mine was broken a long time ago. now its shattered and the blood smeared across the floor... my Rage is so immense my heart is accelarating... my sadness renders me to my bed... yet i always seem to put some form of happiness on when im with people that understand me... unlike my mother. Unlike Red... at this point i would rather stay with dad. I never see him and i can stand him... to an extent.
Its wrong to feel this way... its not natural... why am i so dark, what is killing me inside. some paracite taking over the bowles of my soul... and I need God...
but He doesnt seem to Hear me... I cant hear him... maybe were all deaf in a sense to the world, maybe were all blind, maybe all mute... and maybe some of us are blessed enough to have the gift of speaking to the Holy father
I want the gift... i want to live again... i want to breath without shortness of breath
I want to be reborn... I want to love my Mom in fullness again...
Love you all
FOURTH BLOOD ENTRY :END: 8:30 A.M.
CTRL TIME
I wrote this and posted... then read it and began to cry... i cant beleive what ive become since the marriage... since last year actually... what the Hell is taking my body and dragging it through hell... I know i have to love my mom because i'm just being a drama queen and blowing things out of proportion like Red constantly says when i have a crying fit...
I know i will never commit suicide but it doesnt mean i havent thought about it... and the fact that im typing that is the only step forward to getting better... i need help and i need whoever can help me... i need you guys so bad right now... my phones dead today cause i didnt get my charger but i'm gonna be home by nine tonight... I dont want to do something stupid again... but im so just ready to, pulled to do anything to make me forget everything... forget it not make it go away... i dont want to die i have to much to live fore but the fact that months ago i looked down the balcony and though "what will happen if i fall off this. who would care and what would happen. would i die or create a scene to the point of when i come back my friends will yell at me for doing such a stupid thing.
"
My sister hates me
My Mom no longer understands me
Red doesnt trust me
cristin is the only one in my house i can closely be with. i love her to death, as i do marissa but marissa has gotten so bad to the point where she doesnt see that and its killing me inside. i love them so much and it hurts to even think of leaving them at all... it hurts to think of putting jackie through all of that again... It hurts to think about me and Sabrina not raising our kids to be best friends as our parents did... It hurts to think that i may not see the full year with jordan... It hurts to think of not seeing holly perminantly ever... It hurts to think of how Karen may react... it hurts to leave Tori to be the crazy one all by herself... it hurts to leave all my guy friends because i love them all and theyre all great... it hurts to think of leaving ethon, my big brother, and Brett, my twin... it hurts to think that because of my lack of religeous faith and that i barley even beleive in a heaven or a hell anymore i may go to hell to suffer for eternity... it really, really hurts...
I feel no perpouse anymore...
I hate school
I hate work
I hate moving
I hate crying
I hate depression
I hate myself
I love you guys...
Please.... really... help me.... call me. leave a message fine but i need you all so bad right now. Pray, do whatever cause i cant seem to... I know this is alot to read and im sorry i took up your time but i cant talk to anyone but you, whoever you may be... I dont want to die...
 Keirae Huruma · Sun Apr 27, 2008 @ 03:11pm · 2 Comments |
