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I have to admit, my expectations were low. Actors and actresses who decide to record albums rarely do a good job, and almost always create the impression that they're desperately attempting to expand their media empires rather than recording because they have a genuine passion for music. But it's not like Scarlett Johannson is a household name, and an album of Tom Waits covers at least promised a higher level of sophistication than, say, The Return Of Bruno. Unfortunately, the final product is so dire even a couple of David Bowie guest appearances can't save it. I didn't think it was possible to make Waits's songs as exciting as spending an hour in a dentist's waiting room, but Johansson has achieved just that.

It would be kind of hypocritical of me to find fault with Johansson's voice, considering that half of my favorite vocalists have zero range and she doesn't sound as though she's going to hack up a lung at any moment, as Tom does even when singing the most tender, sentimental ballads. But the thing is, Tom's voice has character and personality, and his gravelly, ravaged delivery is emotionally appropriate to his material. Johannson simply lacks any sort of vocal personality whatsoever, a void not sufficiently disguised by the endless layers of multitracking. Quadrupling her vocal tracks may make them sound lusher, but it doesn't make them sound any better.

Not only that, the arrangements are uniformly bland, dominated by lots of atmospheric whooshing noises and plinking pianos and lacking in the eerie run-down-carnival/music-hall feel that dominates so much of Tom's work. Not that I'm saying her versions should be carbon copies of his, but when you remove the most distinctive aspect of his music and fail to replace it with anything equally interesting, then you've got a problem. Bowie appears on two songs, and he's so obscured by the murk around him as to be entirely ineffective in improving the situation. It's a bland, mediocre, uninspired effort, and the general feel of pseudo-highbrow pretentiousness just makes it all the more insufferable.