Amidst all the romance fics I’ve written and read as well as those romance films I’ve watched, I’m still not a firm believer of love… or at least I don’t believe that I’m capable of truly loving anyone… After all, I’m the type of person who’s incapable of fully trusting others with my heart. I’m such a distant person especially towards my family… They don’t know anything about me… The last time I ever shared a secret with them was when I was in second grade but after that, I stopped trusting them. I stopped trusting anybody… In fact, it’s only just recently that I’ve been able to express myself to another person. Although people may know bits about me and my personality, I don’t really give away much to them – especially my complete trust… Though I can trust people easily, I’m unable to trust them fully and I always end up doubting their intentions… I even doubt my closest friends…
Aside from being a distrusting person, I’m also selfish… Thus, I would never be able to truly love somebody else… The love I give would always be conditional… That’s why I’m so envious of the small percentage people [as well as fictional characters] who have been able to find the love of their lives amidst the sea of idiots, sluts, and heartbreakers… And it’s kinda sad that I’ll never be able to be a part of that tiny group.
But you really can’t blame me for everything… I mean how could you expect me to have faith in people if all they ever did was destroy it? You see, I’ve been subjected to harsh rumors… I’ve never really told this to anybody except for my closest group of friends since I’d like to avoid any trouble/confrontation as much as possible… But since the readers of this journal [if ever anybody actually reads my entries] are strangers, it’s easier to open up… Well, here goes…
When I was in fourth grade, I was the topnotcher of our whole grade level and I had a classmate who probably lives in order to destroy and manipulate other people… she spread a rumor about me… She said that I was only presented the award because my parents paid the school… And that’s not all. She spread so many rumors about me that I lost count… Damn… Amidst all these years, I still couldn’t forgive her. Though we’ve been classmates all these years, I’ve never forgiven her… But that’s also partially my fault because I never confronted her. I’m such a wimp, right? But then, who could blame me? My ego suffered a lot because of every rumor spread about me… And now I’ve become such a paranoid freak… -sigh-
So now you know the primary reason for my distrust towards people… Although I’ve known that I had this problem for a very long time, I never tried to solve it because I think that’s it’s just a waste of effort… It’s impossible to sort this problem out by myself… But ironically, I can’t trust someone enough to let him/her help me… Oh well, it doesn’t really matter…
 llianya · Thu May 22, 2008 @ 09:40pm · 0 Comments |
