Okay so i've been thinking and i've decided to make a story about my avi so now in my journal i thursday i will add a new chapter to the story. So now begins...
The battle for Gaia
Chapter 1: The burning beginning
*kiyo returns to his hometown after 2 years away from home*
Kiyo: What the heck!!!! What happen here?!?! who did this? MOM DAD where r u!!!!!!!!?????
???:heh looking for ur parents huh?
Kiyo: who's there are you the one who did this to my home!?!
???: I'm a solidger of the G.O.D. guild
Kiyo: Why in the world did you do this!?!?
solidger: this was a weak town. It had no use to be on this planet. By the way what are you going to do about it?
Kiyo: How dare you!!!! YOUR GOING TO PAY!!!!!
solidger: WHAT THE HECK!!! What's this how is this kid even summoning this much power? His whole appearence even changed with the energy!
Dark Kiyo: YOUR GOING STRAIGHT TO HELL!!!!!!
solidger:Fine bring it on!!!!
D. Kiyo: eat this!!!*summons the Death Star through his golden gauntlets and throws Death Star*
solidger: think that can hit me!!! *jumps into the air*
D. Kiyo: no but this will!!! *down slashes him into the ground with his fire sword*
solidger: nice one... but you won't.... take...me out.. that easily...
D. Kiyo: i knew that!!! Thats why I did this!!! Death star Force Impact!!!!!
solidger: wat the hell!?!?
D. Kiyo: never turn ur back on the enemy!!! HAAAAA!!!! *hits the solidger with the death star and the fire blade*
solidger: AAAAAAHHHH!!!!!! *dies*
D. Kiyo: thats over! *transforms back to normal*
Kiyo: heh.... that took a lot of energy... I shoudn't use this power that much... im wiped out...*faints*
[on top of a hill close to the villiage with 3 mysterious people]
???: he's just like us.
???: Adding to that he probaly has found a hatred for the guild and his solidgers.
???: do u think he'll join us?
???: I hope so if not the world will be on it's way to being to destroyed!
???: so if he doesn't join us does that mean we have to kill him.
???: I don't know what we'll do but if he disagrees with us we can't have him be captured by G.O.D.
???: Well if he disagrees then we'll let him stay here! I've been bored since we started searching for this kid! It took us 2 years for us to find him! Is he that important for our mission? If u ask me we don't need him so if he disagrees then we'll just leave him be let him rot.
???: don't say that!!!
???: alright!!! Lets let him rest for now. Tomorrow we'll approch the target.
End of chapter 1
Kiyo582 Community Member 
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Community Member
-the "???" marks throw me off. I can't tell how many people are talking to each other.
-there was no build-up to the fight scene. XP to make a really good fight scene, you have to have some really good build-up.
-in this section...
Kiyo: How dare you!!!! UR GOING TO PAY!!!!!
solidger: WTF!!! What's this how is this kid even summoning this much power? His whole appearence even changed with the energy!
[pause]
You should add "*kiyo's energy force envelopes his entire body with power*" up where it says, "UR GOING TO PAY!!!!!" because I(the reader) dont realize that he's "glowing" or "changing" until the soldier says so. You can keep it that way, if you like script writing the shakespearian way ("stage" directions within the lines).
[play]
[pause]
You could put something here or add it to the last stage direction: *kiyo's energy force envelopes his entire body with power" and turns him into his alter-ego, dark kiyo*
Dark Kiyo: UR GOING STRAIGHT TO HELL!!!!!!
-Also, in this section...
D. Kiyo: heh.... that took a lot of energy... i shoudn't use this power that much... im wiped out...*faints*
*on top of a hill close to the villiage*
[pause] the "*"'s should be turned into "[" or "{". The *'s display aciton and ['s or {'s can display a change of time or place. for ex. [500 years later...] or [Meanwhile, on a mountain overlooking the wrecked village...]
???: he's just like us.
???: Adding to that he probaly has proably has a hatred for the and his soldgiers.
just some pointers. =3 Although this is a pretty good playwrite. Im eager to find out who those ??? guys are. Keep writing!!!! XD