nyahhh...woah this is kinda....sad........i'm now dating two guys....peter and matt. he asked me out yesterday and i said yes....i feel bad...but the more i think about it...i guess i'm selfish....i want attention....i haven't gotten that from peter for some time now. i feel really left out. matt lives in san jose...and that's about 3 hours away from where i live. i know him for 4 years. i'm happy he wants ta be with me. o.o it's more of shock because he seemed to have avoided me in the past. i'm scared that he might do that again. but i guess it was for the best....yeah?
i blame bubbie for changing me. but if it wasn't for him. i wouldn't be here at all. he's like the voices in my head, that helps me through some tough times. he gives me advices and seems to beat me mentaly....but it helps. it makes me think. but sometimes i think he's bs-ing. but what can i say? it's him.
but....i dunno how to tell peter....i think he'll over react...and be pissed off at me...and not wanna talk to me ever again. i wanna tell him stright forward that i dunno if our relationship is going to actually work out. ive been waitin for 9 months and he just seems to be disappearing from my reach. i listen to him all the time over the phone. i don't mind listening to him talk. it's just he never really askes me about me. i guess i'm more of a person who just wants to know....at first...but that dun mean i don't wanna talk about my life. not just that...peter dun seem to care about my race. he's all into the scotish, i have no problem with it. but it's just, he's too cocky, always puting himself first.
the past three days he didn't call me. i called him yesterday and he said he called around 8 my time but no one picked up. but i didn't received a missed call or anything. but then...i dunno...but anyways, i was having trouble around them three days. i was hoping that hed call but he didn't. branden was the trouble. he wanted to meet me on wednesday and i didn't want to. but only person that was there for me was bubbie and matt. bubbie told me to go for him. but i said no. i'll try ta get away from him somehow. and then matt came along on telling me to give him branden's cell number. i thought and thought...and said okay. i know it's mean but i didn't want him to spend money on me for sex. that's just stupid. i don't wanna lose my virginity to some guy who is willing to spend money on it. cause that's just bullshit. so matt called and bitched at him. lying at the time that he's my bf. and now three days after branden isn't talking to me anymore.
and when it comes to matt, he's willing to come visit me on thursday moring of next week. he's actually taking his time to come. visit me, know me and yeah, be with me. i think...me and matt has lots of things in common. but i wanna make sure that he does something i don't do too. otherwise.....things might get pretty boring. but...he's sweet. he's the first guy who keeps tellin me that he loves me...the same day he asked me out. >.< i understand what he went through. well....some of the things.
ive been in the shadows compared to them two. i haven't witness a friend's death, i haven't been raped, gone out with anyone, use drugs, i drank only once...but other than that i don't drink, heh, i'm not horny like them both (lol), and i don't brag about my race.
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lisa got jealous.....cause i'm going out with matt....i think it's kinda funny...but being a friend, i shouldn't care. i understand that she's concerned. but for some reason...i feel like she doesn't want me and him ta be going out. but as long as he wants to go out with me, i'm there! >.<;;
matt lives closer than peter....i dunno...i honestly don't wanna hurt peter. i don't wanna lose him for good. since i'm dating matt, i wanna be friends with peter. but i don't know how it's going to take it. that's the part that i'm scared of.
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i dunno what to do. i feel so frustureated. >.<! depression and stress...cause i'm scared of hurting them.... i just want....someone to help....i dunno if i should tell him...or just have him read this. but he's never online anymore. i don't feel wanted in his life. i might be thinking too much again like last time. but...i just feel like i need attention for once. and...there is no way u can go out with a girl for a long time and not kiss them.
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i might...just leave peter....maybe it's for the good of both of us. he's far...and i don't feel like i'm actually getting a chance of meeting him. cause the more i think about it, he desever more than me. i just don't see myself actually getting used to what he does now. i still can't face the fact that he WANTS to move in with two girls. and they BOTH like him. i dunno...im beginning to think that amanda likes him. i know she does. otherwise they wouldn't had agreed with peter moving in with them.
not just that everyone thinks i should date a guy who lives closer to me. i desperatly don't wanna hurt peter. because it hurts me to hurt someone i care for. someone who was there for me and cared. i think i should let him read this...but....he might misunderstand me. and if i talk to him...i might just...mess up and get him all upset and mad. sad
what would be easyer? having him read this? or talk to him?
supa chibi neko Community Member 
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