Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

As some of you who even bother to read this may or may not know I'm on medication for depression among other things. I have been taking me meds for a while now even though over the past weeks I have not taken them regularly. When I'm on my meds I still get slightly depressed but not to the point where I wish I were dead. For the first time in as long as I can remember It has happened. Now once I tell you the reason don't just make an opinion there. If you are going to read this I wish for you to read it to the end. So here is what happened:

I'm on the work study program for my college so that means that I can get a job on campus to help pay my college expenses(I believe). Well during my first semester I was turned down for everything I applied for. They chose people that had experience. I had tried to apply for jobs in the past but got denied for each and every one of them. Anyway, I was told by my financial aid counselor and one of my teachers that I should look into a job in the library. That sounded great to me. Well today I went to see if there were any openings. The openings had just been filled last week. The only other work study options I have are a community service type. But to do those i need a way to get on and off campus. I have none. So I'm screwed.

Okay, now you see why I'm depressed. I have no way of making money. NO one will hire me because their are either no openings, I have no way of getting to and from the job, or I have no experience. In this way I feel I'd be better off dead.
Reasons for:
1. I wouldn't have to worry about life anymore.
2. My dad will be going to jail for 6 to 8 months and he would not have to worry about me.
3. No one would have to worry about me.
4. and I'm pretty sure that life would be much happier and easier for a few people if I weren't in it.
5. I wouldn't hold my GF back in any way, shape, or form.

Reasons against:
1. I hate the thought of my friends mourning over me.
2. I have no idea what my GF would do(this one worries me the most)

But I'm too much of a wimp to actually kill myself, instead I let this torture me constantly. If you do read this please don't worry about it. I do not like burdening my friends with my problems. If anything I rather have them come to me with their problems. After all, the only thing I'm really good for is carrying the weight of other peoples problems. My own problems are my own and should not be worried about by anyone other than myself. My friends problems are their own unless they wish to share them with me which I will gladly accept.

I'm sorry if this depressed you.

--Fireheart