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Entry #3 Thursday, October 27, 1:05 a.m.

I've met a girl I rather like online. Through GAIA, no less. I now mostly chat with her on AIM. As far as I can tell, I have a very strong crush on this individual. Once more, I don't know why. She's shown me a picture of herself, and I have to be brutally honest. She's not what most people would call "attractive". But I find her to be very attractive. Not just physically. She's a bit like me in that her thought process is erratic at times. She seems to be the kind of person I would very much like to date. There's just one minor flaw. Actually, minor is an understatement. She lives in Washington D.C., but is currently attending a college in Portland.

I really need to stop doing this. I always fall for the wrong person, or someone out of my reach. Physically or otherwise. It's a bad habit, and nothing good has come of it. I've tried rationalizing it to myself, saying "Hey, I'm going to be going to college as soon as I'm out of high school. I could simply attend college where she is!" Then I have to ask myself, "Should I really be basing my decisions on a higher education on where a girl is?" The answer always has, and always will be: no. I don't know her that well. I've never seen her in the flesh. I don't know what she's like in person. But I want to. Very badly. I would say desperately, but I won't. I recently talked with an online friend of mine. As it turns out, this friend, is a real life friend of the girl I am falling for. I told her about it, and her reaction was, well, negative. For future reference, the girl I like shall be called "S" and her friend, and mine, shall be called "B". B was not happy with the situation. I still don't know why. She gave her reasons, but I wonder if they are the real reasons. I believe her when she says she is concerned for S and she's pointed out to me that we all barely know one another. At least, not in the way that counts. She said she was worried becasue I "sounded desperate".

Admittedly, there are times I am desperate. For what, I don't know. Desperate for Love? Friendship? Sex? I really don't know why, but I do know, don't ask me how, I just do, that I'm looking for something that can only be found in a relationship. B then suggested that if I were in the DC area around the time of Winter Break for them both, we might be able to meet somewhere. I like that idea, though scrounging up the funds for such a trip would be a real b***h, I think it'd be worth it. So my dilemma is really my cold logical side, waging a fight against my more emotional side.

Y'know... there are times I wish I could see into the future, if only for a bit. To see what could happen. I've had alot of trouble when I've gone with my emotions. And just about as much when I went with my logic. So for now, I will simply continue to talk with both S and B, get to know them better, and make my decision from there. Do I like S? Yes, yes I do. Would I like to date S? Most definately. Would I want to spend the rest of my life with her? I don't know. That's why I want to get to know her better. She seems like someone I could be happy with. But I must get to know her better. And I must earn not only S's trust, but B's as well. I would ask nothing less in return. Perhaps it's true what others have said of me. Perhaps I am just a hopeless romantic. A fool entertaining a fool's notion.

I need a cigarette... badly...

Thursday, October 27, 1:34 a.m. End of Entry