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I was feeling real shitty again today. Swung by the mall to try and pick up a job, damned economy, and while I was there I was approached by a guy meddling some bullshit face-revitalizing cosmetic thing. I told him that he was doing a good job with the customer approach and that I wished him luck, but that I really didn't need anything like that and he just smiled. I thought that I would just keep walking until I turned around and he threw this last bit on. I'm sure he was just trying to get the sale, but what he said hurt really deep. "ah-ho, but if you had this (Product name) I'm sure you'd have to trouble getting the girls to just line up for you. No need to stay the way you are. This stuff's for real !"

It shouldn't have hurt, but it did.

I thought Hey! What's wrong with me being like I am? Why the hell would I have to change to get someone to like me? And who the hell is this greasy-hair Mr. LePue to say that I need to change just to be happy?

It really bugged me. And since this is a refuge from my life, I'll admit that I let myself cry alittle on the way home.

I've got a pretty good lead on a job in the mall, a petstore that I might have the edge at since I worked at PetSmart a while back. But that didn't help to make what that guy said any less painful and less true.

Maybe I would be happier as someone else.
Or at least with someone else, T~T

So, I got home and started mushing through the internet to relieve my stress until I tripped over an anime that I feel I should comment on. The show's name is 'Skip Beat!'.

Skip Beat! is essentially the store of a girl who goes to Tokyo and slaves everyday to keep her rent paid and to keep a little bit of food on the table. She is shown to have a crush or some uncharacteristically strong interest in a celebrity who is later in the episode shown to be the temporary roommate that mandated her to get the apartment in the first place. I think that the lead character's mindset is something that I could easily connect with even if I see it differently than it was meant.

The girl sells every waking moment to the pursuit of this apartment's upkeep and to this boy's happiness. There is nothing but him in her mind as she works and toils and sweats just to make him smiled, and even though his a jerk she keeps going on and helping him without any mind for herself. Its the truest and most noble form of living when you strive with such fervor to please the one you love. In the anime it does not pay off, but even when it doesn't I would still sell my literal mortality to be with someone to whom I could be that devoted. I want to be that slave and I want to find that one person to whom my life is nill.

I don't want the hurt of the act, but I admit that no hurt (physical or emotional) would ever outweigh the act of giving oneself so entirely to the pursuit of their happiness.

What that guy at the mall said about me is something that I just have to deal with, but I am really not in any mood to do anything with that sickening pain still bottled in my chest where I so much want to say 'I Love You' and mean it.

Its stupid of me, but I don't care what is said or done to me. That love and just the act of being so near to the one I love would be the ultimate prize.

Not that anyone reads these, but I'll wrap it up and conclude with a quote.

"Love is not pretty. Its not nice or patient. Love hurts, and you deal with it. Love is for those who are no longer happy to just be happy."

And I suppose my happiness died some time ago.

---John