I tried to forget about the past. In Jr.High, I was deemed normal, average. Any traumatic event was disposed of, never thought of. Even about the occasional lesbian-tendencies. None. If a thought came to mind, shake my head, they were gone.
Once I was in high school, I was another person. I wanted to be the real me. Little did this "real me" know I would be hated. Of course I was still embarrassed from Catholic practices of letting myself show, but I felt I must. I didn't want to be haunted for hiding who I am.
All I knew was that I am attracted to women, and that's it.
So I simply told every1 I was bisexual. Every1 else was doing it. I thought it'd be okay if I did too. But I was lying to the world, to myself. I was still hiding, just like in Jr.High. I was no different than before. Still lying to protect myself.
When I met Robyn, whom I fell head-over-heels for, she convinced me to come-out, fully. When I saw how confident she was, I wished the same for me. That if I embraced my true self, I would not be so alone.
A part of me wishes I never said anything. Actually, most of me. I should have never said anything, especially after Robyn hurt me so badly. I wasn't the same without her. But I wasn't the same with her, either.
She pinned me against a wall, forcing herself on me. I wanted her badly, but all the memories came flooding back at that very second. Everything that I supposedly "forgot." Why did it have to be then? She looked at me shockingly, fore I was filled with tears. They streamed down my already bright-red cheeks. Dropping myself to the floor, closing my eyes, I watched all the abuse that went on earlier in my life.
Robyn was long gone. She didn't get any sex, she didn't need me.
But I do not blame Robyn. I should thank her. I outed myself (all the way, this time) because of her. Well, I told 1 friend and then he practically told the world. I didn't want to keep lying though. But my life at school was much different from life at home.
I was a badass; got all the girls. Mostly to prove I didn't need my "ex." Once home, I was a nerdy kid, maybe a victim, doing homework all night, and running from my parents who would chase me all during the night if I did not finish any task given after dinner. That would really not get me to finish. I would lock myself in the bathroom for the final hours of the night, and curl up on the rug to sleep. Just like years before-hand.
So I loved school. A lot. and I was the person I was yearning to be.
The real me.
But without Robyn, I did not flourish. She was my 1st love, and that is so difficult to let go of. Depression flushed over me. Drowning me, along with the memories that came forward. Could not handle my emotions alone.
My brother, Nick, was gone. He was not able to save me now. I was nothing to him after he saw me with another girl.
I had no shoulder to cry on.
Friends weren't trustworthy.
Not with any single hardship. 1 was too complex for any normal being to handle. That was why I was slowly destroying myself.
Almost every day of the week, I would cut. Not badly, but I was still doing it. Almost a year later, still in pain, I began to use knives. Scarred armor was not built-up yet. The slightest tear may have killed me. Weak. And sometimes I silently begged it would.
But we'll go back to that year. I shoved Robyn in the back of my mind, like I did with everything else, but now I was not in control. I had already allowed reality to emerge. It was impossible to "forget" everything again.
I claimed I was fine, hiding cuts, or if seen, lying how I received them.
All it was were lies. Always lied, and could not escape from doing so.
Especially lying to myself that everything was okay. I wasn't strong enough to handle the truth.
Later I got a few new girlfriends (not just girls I would ******** around with, but actual 1s). Some of them I was dating simultaneously. I broke many hearts. I felt that I was evolving into Robyn. I became the last person that I would want to be. Sure I now had her confidence, but I was a cheater, a heart-breaker, a player.
When I got with a girl named Caitlyn, I became a better person. I felt strongly for her, but I still loved Robyn. I was faithful as I could be with Caitlyn, since I still suffered from a broken heart and sex seemed like it was the band-aid.
I still wasn't good at home though. I was now some rebel. I knew what they did to me, and I wasn't going to let them get away with it. My personality at school followed me home, except at home I was more-likely to show the depressed side of me more often.
I began to drink, bragging to Caitlyn that it was "cool." Immediately my body craved alcohol since the 1st few sips. Cutting wasn't needed, when there was alcohol.
Over the summer, Caitlyn and I planned a getaway for the 2 of us.
When the plan went wrong, I was found by the fuzz, drunk and blood covered my wrist, clothes, and the cold cement sat on. After a drunk-conversation with a policeman (more like me cussing and the rest gibberish), an ambulance arrived and took me to a mental hospital. Caitlyn was angry with me, but upset I was gone. She blamed herself.
At WillowRock, I was happy again, and I met a girl that I began to like.
She and I had a fling that the staff knew about and were not very positive of.
So I cheated on Caitlyn, again, with another bisexual girl.
Every girl after Robyn was bisexual, except for Celica, but she and I didn't get too far, not far at all. Nothing actually. Just a crush and I later learned she liked me too, but I ruined my chances. She has already lost all respect for me.
When I returned from the hospital, was numb, the only 2 emotions had were sudden anger and then depression. Hating everything. Even hated Caitlyn. While on the phone with her, I would insult her. How she was bisexual from a fad. That she was s**t.
Caitlyn put up with that for months, thinking I would become myself again, but I never did. Agitated, she broke up with me.
I never knew why until I was explaining to a close friend the break-up.
Also, because Caitlyn told me I "changed" after the hospital.
I hid behind a stiff hand and wept at what I had turned into.
Caitlyn had a bad past too, y'know. When I asked her to tell me, she told me so little, because she chose to not remember anything that hurt her.
In my anger-state, I told her it was stupid to forget. That that makes you weak. You cannot forget your past. It is a part of you. If you cannot recall your past, that is sad. You can't deal with it. It shows that you deserved what you were put through because you were too soft to deal with the hand dealt.
I don't know what I am now though. Mostly happy and then, BOOM, depression. School is crap now too. It is equal to home since they send me away too. I feel I must constantly look over my shoulder to see who is going to get me next.
And I have lost my self-confidence.
Because I am getting older, I am developing more.
I can't stop it. Oh but I want to.
The hate towards my structure grows more each day, while I grow, watching puberty take place.
Soon I will be a woman that I would rather die than be.
Last night, I threw off my shirt, hurling it in a corner, grabbed my knife, cutting it across 1 of my breasts. Hoping that would get rid of it.
It is so bad now, when looking at my reflection, a part of me wants to shove my arm through the glass, grab the shattered pieces, and rapidly cut until too worried over the blood to despise who/what I am.
Another part of me wants to mimic the other, but shrug off the blood.
If I cannot be a man, I cannot be happy, and if I cannot be happy, I cannot proceed living.
Destroy the mirrored image.
When put together again, a man will be seen.
While looking at his reflection, the edge of his upper lip curls upward. He is a man, therefore he is pleased.
I am a woman, and I would rather be dead than admitting so.
And, now do you know why I cannot say my sexual orientation is undefined?
I know who/what I am attracted to. And I cannot stand bisexuals. Unidentified means you like men and women.
That's being bisexual, and for some reason I don't like them, even though I always sleep with them.
My apologies, I see everything in black and white terms.
I am not open to much.
That's why I am Atheist. I can't believe the bullshit that some people say. There is scientific proof, but almost none with religions. Plus, there are so many, so 1 (or more, in my opinion) have to be wrong.
But please, no religion battle. I am sick of that with my 'rents.
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