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Gomenasai... Demo-
I just want to say... I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I haven't been a faithful friend
I'm sorry I've kept you back from knowing the real me.
I'm sorry to have kept you from knowing me at all.
I'm sorry...that I've lied to you.
The truth is I don't even know myself anymore. Everything is a huge blur masked behind the 'white lies.' I'm not even strong enough to lean on someone for strength. I keep running, not from just you, but myself as well. None of you know how I really feel. I cover up the pain with a smile. The anguish with a laugh. And the fear with false bravery...
I've kept silent for so long because of other people's problems. A thing about me if you haven't guessed: I put others problems ahead of my own, thus suffering for it greatly when my personal needs aren't met at all. Right now I need sleep but I'm afraid I can't even do that because of what I need being unfulfilled.
Everyday I do the same things: get online. Wait for a friend to also get online and ignore my own problems until late at night when the memories come to haunt me. The past never relents in it's quest to rule my life. I can't take it anymore! I know I need help! I know I should've gotten it years ago! You know what? I DID plead for help only to get the door practically slammed in my face by every psychiatrist with the commentary saying "she's normal. Increase her allowance so she can buy things." You know what? I'm sick of it! For the love of God, I know there's something wrong with me and yet no medical professional (except the dentist, who says I need teeth removed thanks to not caring for them...wonder why that happened?) seems to think that!
Here's my little secret: I self-harmed. I've thought of suicide. There's scars on my hands from it. Some are barely visible now, but the reminder's always there. I can't change what I did to myself or to others. Can't correct it. Can't apologize. Nothing...but sit and waste away until someone realizes my true feelings.
I'm turned away even when I contribute.Only time I'm accepted is when I sing for them, then it's always "When are you singing again?" "ENCORE!" "You have a lovely voice." "Wish I could sing that well..." They don't realize it, but I literally feel their inadequacies. Every time I'm praised for the gifts I've been given I feel the hints of jealousy in my own heart along with the temptations. 'You're better than them. You deserve better.' I hate even stepping outside the house I live in now because of this. Every time... "You should be singing up front!" ... Then who will be in the back, singing along softly and enjoying the moment?
"How's your mother doing?"
You will never be strong enough...
"So when you're a famous artist, I can say I had an original?"
You will never be good enough...
"Oh, we were just playing."
You will not rise above...
I'm sick of living a lie. I'm sick of watching every day pass me by. Stuck in this riddler's play, I wonder... why'd things have to go this way?
I'm sorry I haven't been a faithful friend
I'm sorry I've kept you back from knowing the real me.
I'm sorry to have kept you from knowing me at all.
I'm sorry...that I've lied to you.
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