Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

Note: This is the start to a censorship project presentation script, which devolved into madness. Yes, this is madness, no Sparta involved.

God hates penguins.
This is obvious, because he gave them wings but then was like
PSYCHE YOU CAN’T FLY LOL.
Just like that, I was there.
This is obvious proof that Grimm’s Complete Fairy Tales should not be censored, because penguins are the devil’s animal. Parents will be bitchin’ about whether or not Grimm’s Fairy Tales should be censored, but they’re all dum. Smack them and continue trundling along your merry way, tell them to please listen, because they don’t know what they’re missing, nowhere man, the woooorld’s at your command alalalala. If you disagree the velociraptors will cut you, cause they’re so Hood. The End. Judges. Take my wife. She won’t stop complainin cause I bought a horse. And am keeping it in the rafters. Like an owl. Marx disseminated propaganda through his Neue Rheinische Zeitung between June 1848 and May 1849. Marx was a Nazi, don’t believe them when they tell you otherwise. He just wrote the Commy Manifesto to keep the cops away from his house, cause they were moar books plz, so he was like here you go, bugger off, thy fat oafs, yonder is the holy grail. And they did, because y’know his beard was very believable. So Stalin and his home-dawgs took the holy grail and were kinda just chillin like a villin, cause you know, he was. Uncle Joe was actually an evil hoe, and it’s true cause it rhymes. Just like Vitamin and… oranges. Not even regular oranges either, but the midget oranges you can only get from Cuba. Except no one trades with Cuba, cause they had misslz n stuff, and now everyone’s saying, whatever dewd, you put yourself in the dairy barn. Rule 3: Promote gender equality. It’s not getting paid enough, and it needs to learn responsibility by managing it’s cost to effect ratio. Which brings me to my other point, Jerusalem has salem in it, so maybe they had the middle eastern equivalent of the salem witch trials, except they were hunting Jeru’s instead of Witches. I don’t know what a Jeru is, so they must have done a damn good job and finished alla them off. Alla. Allah. Get it? Wow, religion jokes, I’m so cool. Today in history: Nothing happened. I guess I’m just maintaining the status quo, except for the fact that the status is not quo. The world’s a mess and I just need…to…rule…it. Some Meldroshebes guy made pamphlets, and apparently, for the first time in ever, people read pamphlets, and it caused them to realize that they were colorblind, and couldn’t fly jets, so they decided to go to Australia, because it’s filled with criminals and kangaroos. At least, that’s what the environmentalists want you to think. Those hippys with their long hair and tie dye have a world domination plan, and they’re putting it in effect, you don’t see many anymore since they’ve gone underground to their secret lairs, only to re-emerge at judgement day to light your dwelling on fire. You’ll be all nooooo, we shouldn’t have gone to Vietnam, I like my house! And they won’t care, because they can’t hear you. Everyone knows hippies are all deaf. That brings me to my next point, all the world’s problems are caused by mimes, blame them for the Holocaust and whatever else, it’s a flawless plan, because they can’t talk back or defend themselves from allegations. I must say, it’s not a very well thought out proffesion, dress like a French person and don’t talk. Unfortunately, a mime is a terrible thing to waste. So are mines. Both landmines and regular gold mines, although I wouldn’t recommend mixing the two. You have a gold mine, just find some seven dwarves and tell them to get to work and you should be rich in no time. You’ll also get some princess running away from her stepfamily, but those things usually take care of themselves, and you get a nice sunset out of it, when they’re riding off. That’s where the sharks come in. Because everyone knows the world doesn’t stop at the horizon, so they’ll keep riding off into the sunset until it turns to nighttime and they go home, or they might run into the ocean, so that solves all the world’s sappy endings, since horses can’t swim faster then sharks, so just let them ride off, sharks get mealz, and you get a castle, but only if you act fast and buy one now, for only three monthly payments of 98.99. That is, if all the sharks don’t fall off the world, since the world’s flat. Gallileo was wrong, so he got thrown in prison. Serves him right, lying in books. There’s just a bigass waterfall on the sides, so when you’re sailing watch out for that. The boat rocked on a few waves in the middle of the ocean. The Kraken stirred and a million sushi dinners cried out for vengeance. That’s from a book written by a British guy, who by the way, spells better then all these American dolts. It’s theatre, ladies and gentlemenz. Guy Fawkes. Running around, blowin’ s**t up while no one’s looking, but then parliament was a psychic type, like Alakazam, and caught him in their basement with a shitload of gunpowder. Musta been awkward, Guy just standing there like “Heeeeeey, what’s up? I’m just creeping in your basement, and I couldn’t see, so I lit a match, and this totally isn’t shitload of gunpowder x 1 right next to me.” Parliament didn’t buy it obviously, because they didn’t speak English. Parliament is actually an alien entity from a different planet that rules over the Brits with an iron tentacle. Just no one wants to believe the truth. Youwillnotusethecomputersforgamesorpersonalemailsuchmisusewillresultinthelossofyourcomputeraccess!!! Was that really necessary? You don’t need three exclamation marks at the end of that, it’s not THAT important. It’s just like Danger, Will Robinson, Danger, the governments will steal your computer. It’s too bad that the robot from lost in Space got killed by evil space spiders. Oh well, it’s okay, because Dr. Smith isn’t actually a doctor, but an alien with like 50 arms, and he would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for those meddling kids. Speaking of kids, they’re all annoying little buggers, there should really be pest control for them too, they’re worse then cockroaches, at least cockroaches don’t steal your money and crash your car, and you usually don’t need to put cockroaches through college. Usually. It’s vaguely humorous that this was originally a script for my censorship project presentation. Werlll. Bugger that, I’d rather rant for ages, do a stream of consciousness thing and rob a bank.
9:49 AND ALL’S WELL.
Except not, because Paul Revere sucks and got caught. He should have just hopped off his horse, been all “Ciao” and drove off into the night on a tiny motorcycle, just like all those (Those entire, thanks grammar check) Indians do once they get some money in their pockets. Not the Native Americans, they’re too busy being haxx in the woods and in tune with nature and suchlike. Hither and Yon. Yon and Hither. Yawn and Hitler. Hitler must be tired. Oh wait, he can’t be tired, he’s a zombie. Just like Jesus. Yeah, I just likened Hitler to Jesus, bet I’m gonna get crap for that. But what’s up with Easter? Zombie Jesus’ birthday, let’s celebrate the Zombie Apocalypse by hiding eggs and blaming it on a rabbit. Running, jumping, climbing trees. Sense, you’re doin’ it wrong. Or something, frankly, I’m pretty sure I have not making sense down to an art. This document is proof. Proof of the king’s trespasses, and that the American colonies have the right to secede from the country, due to the natural laws. Ironic, that someone whose last name is Locke has been the cause of tons of countries declaring their freedom. Pretty crappy lock. On another note, Barack-O’s are now selling more then ever,
Excuse me, there are different parameters then for being out there, but it creates, ahm, a lot of ... buzz… so please keep it down. Back to what I as saying, the duel between Mech-Cain and Robama XP will take place on the fourth of July, because it would be ironic, or something. Everyone knows Robama will win, because he’s crazy good at karate, and will use his ninja skills to triumph of the shrews. That’s a book, I think. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. Oh wait, rockets count down, don’t they? Then I suppose the rocket would be reverse-blastoffing, and just drilling down into the earth. I don’t suppose we could find some Alaskan wildlife refuge, so we could kill some animals while destroying the environment, right? I vaguely recall winning some debate on that topic in Middle School. That’s right, the Ol’ MS, not as bad as HS, but worse then ES, and much worse then PS. Those post scripts are awful schools. They only tell you stuff afterwards.
That’s almost as bad as having a bear for a teacher, except not, because if I learned ANYTHING from my childhood is that they love honey, so you can bribe bears with honey. Hopefully. Try it next time a bear tries to eat you, just be like
Ow, my hand,
I demand
That you let go of me
And you will see,
That I can give yous
Five hundred shooz
To kill that bee
And take its honey
The next thing you know, it works and the bear’s running off with the bee’s wife and they get married in L.A., and quickly leave the country. Now, since you followed the plan, you have a Communistic Bear who owes you a favor, and you have no idea how often that can come in handy. Is your roof leaking? Use a bear to plug it up. Is your house on fire? Use a bear to put it out. I’m famished, when’s lunch time coming, Hayzoos. Good thing he doesn’t answer every time I call the lord’s name in vain. That’d be awkward. “When’s lunch, Jesus Christ…” “Yeah man, what’s up?” “Oh, nothing, just hungry.” “Goddamn, stop wasting my time!” “I challenge you to fisticuffs! *gloveslap*”
And you know things aren’t going well when you’ve challenged the son of God to a battle. That’s why you go Atheist and he just poofs.

TO BE CONTINUED.