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I can't believe how horrible things have been going for me. I've been extremely depressed for two days now and things have not gotten any better but worse. I am in a horrible conflict with my best friend and I don't even think he knows how pissed I am at him. I mean I've never been so depressed and angry in my life. I'm serious just on the verge of saying "******** it" to every thing. I can't believe just how big of an asshloe Rayne can be until yesturday. At work, we were getting rushed by customers like crazy until later on in the day when it was just down to 4 of us who was going to close out the cleaners. so when things were all cool, I yet Roger (closing manager) and Rayne (employee) know that I was going to the currency exchange to cash my check, which is only a block and a half away. so nothing was said until rayne thought about it and said "No!". I got angry because I had no idea when they closed and it was 5 o clock and getting dark. I needed my money and bus card fast plus I wanted to go to target A.S.A.P. after work. so then roger was smiling and said he was just thinking that it was kinda far but then said if he was me he would've just left. so I was like okay but then Rayne kept saying no and trying to make sure I didn't leave. so after I took care of a customer, i left. some how I think while I was sneaking out or running back from the currency exchange, I dropped my brothers cd player along with my new CD. when I arrived back at the cleaners 10 minutes later and all out of breath, I walk to the front to start working only for Rayne to tell me, " are you going to get a bite to eat because you're clocked out so you can either eat or leave. " ... ******** pissed. I didn't even know what to do but leave so thats what I did. I came back 3 more times because thats when I discovered my CD player was missing but I couldn't find it so I just went on my way to go christmas shopping. It was hard because my right shoulder blade was in so much pain. Rayne punched me earlier that day in my weak spot. ever since it's been throbbing in pain. it didn't stop until this after noon. I made it home with gifts for my mother and my two little sisters. when I got home I was still depressed and angry. I couldn't believe that he would do some like that. I mean ********. everything was going slow. Roger didn't care and he's the closing manager. Liz (employee) didn't care and she was the 4th person working with us. so why in the hell did I get clocked out and for what. because he couldn't find me? because I made a joke on the phone saying I was in the bathroom when I sure a** hell know that he knew I wasn't in there. I mean for what. what makes it worse is the fact that he has no say so on whether or not I should get punched (clocked) out or not. He's not a manager even though he ask likes one. He had no ******** right to touch my ******** time card and ya know what, for a best friend that was a a*****e of a move. I mean that was a bunch of bullshit. I can see if there was a problem but there wasn't and the ******** a*****e punched me out and told me to go on break or leave like he's my ******** manager. I seriously don't want to talk to him and for him to get mad about me being mad at him for punching me out just makes things worse because all that means is that he thinks he was right for it so he's not going to apologize.

Today I tried to start the day off the day with bright spirits but that failed as soon as I left the door because I didn't have my CD player and it just reminded me of yesturday. I was so glad that I worked that morning because I didn't not want to see rayne at all. then I remebered that he said that he was going to give me a gift today even though I told him he shouldn't. so I go to work and stay depresses for half the time, start acting normal and then go back to being depressed at 12. rayne arrived at 12:50 and was all in the holidy spirit with his concert choir shirt and santa hat. he later dropped off the footlocker bag, that he had in his hand, in the back and walked passed me saying, "you're present is in the back" and walks away with out saying another word to me. I went in the back and took a seat. I noticed the bag next to me and refused to touch it. I didn't care about the damn gift. All I wanted was a damn apology. but I knew I wouldn't be getting it because Rayne isn't like that. he doesn't have any concerns for emotions, doesn't care for them. finds them pointless and annoying since they get in the way. someone like that would never understand simple human emotions of caring and all that other stuff. it's sad because he's my best friend. I don't want gifts and such from him. I want him to be a best friend. and he hasn't been a real good one at all. I keep getting depressed around him and he seriously doesn't give a ********. he called me when I got home today and asked "so you don't want the shirts" I responded "I didn't even look at them" " alright then, bye " "see ya". of course that didn't make things better since thats all he had to say for that. I like to try and look at things from a different point but trying to see things from his point of view hurts. he feels that if anyone crosses him that they deserved to be punished. like bad karma or something and those go for anyone. if someone does something to him, what ever bad thing that happens to the other person is all their fault because they should've never messed with him to begin with. he makes himself sound like a powerful lord or god and for a person to think like that is horrible for someone like me. I really can't take his ideas nor his way of thinking. fate and destiny, all of that bull crap just hurts and to have someone's mind imprisoned by such ignorance is just sad. I'm sorry, I take that back. I have nothing against people's beliefs. the only thing that I might have against it is it's power to stop a person from being their true self. if your belief holds you back from being able to do the things you want in life then theres something wrong with it and if your belief cause you internal pain then I think thats a belief that you should stray away from.

It's sad. I'm all ready down about not being able to give my family the gifts they desire but I also have to be down about my friend being such an a**. I refuse to forgive him this time because he dosen't deserve it. if he can't see what he did wrong, how I feel or understand me then maybe we don't need to talk. My mother barely have any food for this week so I'm going to see if she can use this 10 I have left from all of my shopping. rather than that, this christmas is going to be sad. I'm not getting anything from anyone but probably my father. most likely some clothes but thats always good. I'm gonna hate having to take them out because every year I have to fake like I'm all suprised and excited when I'm never am. then I'm going to be depressed tomorrow so it's going to be 10x worse. then to top that, I don't even think my little bro and sis are going to enjoy their gifts. and they only have one each and that was from me. I feel so bad for my mom and my siblings. (two sis are on my father's side/ they basically get everything.) they all only got one gift this year and have no money. I don't care if they weren't able to get me something but it makes me so sad that their christmas is going to be such a big let down. I was happy for some time at work though before Rayne came. Javier (presser) gave me an alarm clock, a very cool one at that. I was so happy. I never thought he'd consider to give me something. it really made me feel warm and happy inside. I guess I would've felt that way about rayne's gift if he would've gave it to me and said merry christmas like javier. if he would've did that I would've just been so suprised and amazed that I would've had no choice but to forgive him. but things didn't go that way. it's a shame too... this is the first time that rayne bought me something as a present with his own money. usually he just give me "hand me downs" but this year he bought me something. I really did appreiciate it but I couldn't accept it. my soul wouldn't let me. he bought me what I wanted too. I know he did. those cool looking camo shirts. I really wish I could wear them but I made the choice not to grab them. I couldn't... I just couldn't... I feel really bad that I couldn't get him anything but there was no way I was accepting that gift. he put me through too much mental pain... I'm sorry but I can't take being treated like this anymore. there's only so much I can take. I've seriously reached my limits with this one.

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