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thoughts
Like I said before. that day seemed like a dream to me. so as they days go by it tends to go away. I'm not angry at anyone but myself. I attach myself to people and expect so much from out of them and when they don't meet these expectation I end up hurting myself. I'v always been sensitive to things and can't help but take everything ti heart. thats just how I am and how I was raised. as of yesturday I finally realized how much that has handicaped me, in some ways have become a fatal flaw. Daisuke and others have told me that my negative thinking is a horrible way to live. so far only merciful sees the reasons for why I do such a thing. my only problem is, unlike him, I'm not able to turn a bad situation into a good one. I've been working on it but it's really hard for me. daisuke thinks I should be more positive about things... well, friday was my extra ordinary postive day that was all shot to hell, so I think. maybe it wasn't as bad as I thought it was or maybe I'm just trying to fool myself to believe it wasn't. reguardless, that day was my fault and no one elses. the point is, I still need to space myself out from daisuke. he has a life, a difficult one at that. for me to just expect things from him is rather selfish on my part so I would like to apologize for that. that goes for all of my friends. I love the bonds that we have with each other and I wish that they'll never end but in reality we all know that nothing last forever. I never noticed just how attached to daisuke I was until I saw my mother in mental and phsycal pain yesturday. she talks to me a lot now because she knows I'll listen. I don't respond but I give her my attention. she was raving on about how my brothers left her alone while she's in a sick state, how my brother is all obssesse with his g/f who happens to be his first, how the way he treats her like dirt now, how my grandma is about to go blind and etc. all these things that were driving her crazy and all I kept thinking about was friday. In my heart I know I wanted to spend that night with my best friend having fun but he does have other friends and they never hang out with him. I respect that but still, I was selfish because I thought that no matter what I should come first which should never be the case. same with my mother and the rest of my family. we all attach our selves to people have all these expectations out of them. basically depend on them to always help us and be by oursides. but when things change and our close people go away from us, we're heartbroken and lost with out a way to guild ourselves to the right path in life. we become depress and such and just stay that way until someone else comes along to lift us up again. that's exactly what my mother did with my friends. she's trying to establish bonds with them so they can help her forget about the others that left her. I can't be that way. that's not how life works and if I remain this way then I'll never succeed in life. I'll always depend on other people. that's not me and that's not who I am. Thanks everyone for showing up at my get together on sunday. I was able to be myself and didn't have a stress or worry in the world. it just maid me appriciate having the friends that I have even more. I feel as if the people I talk to on gaia are also very close to me. all of them always try to cheer me up and as usual make me smile whenever I'm down. I owe them thanks too. I don't know what I'm gonna do after this. I hate thinking about the future... well to far into it anyways. all I can do is allow time to go by like it normally does and try my best to make those around me happy like I always try to do.
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